Blended Families

Serious problem or Manipulation

So this week was my DH weekend/week with his DD (5) and we were having a great family weekend until all crap hit the fan!  I ran out to run an errand really quickly and when I got back the story I heard was unbelievable and the aftermath of that was even more unbelievable.  According to my DH my SD was sitting on the floor playing legos and our older dog came over to sit by her.  After about 2 minutes or so my SD looked at the dog and punched it in the face and said she was going to eat her legos (the dog can?t even find treats to eat so I really doubt she was looking at the legos thinking they were delish).  Anyways my DH was shocked and asked her what she thought she was doing, why she did that, and if she would like it if someone punched her in the face just because she was sitting next to them.  She walked over to him in tears put her chin out and said you should hit me I am a bad girl and mean.  He was in absolute shock by this and just sent her to his room.  When I got home he told me what happened and I just couldn?t believe it, why on earth with she feel the need to punch the dog and then tell him to hit her because she is bad and mean?!?!?  I tell him to go talk to her and explain to her about not hitting the dog and ask her why she thinks she is bad and mean.  Well while up there she says she wants to kill herself which of course puts my husband in even more shock and he is just like why would you say that?  Who did you hear that from?  After asking this quite a few times she finally says her mother.  Well we bring her downstairs and try to explain to her the seriousness of this statement and try to figure out what context her mom said it in if she even said it.  DH calls BM and when he tells her what was said she is upset very upset and kept asking why would a 5 year old ever say that?  So this leads us to believe that maybe she didn?t hear this from her mom like she said.  Little past info whenever we ask her anything about where did she do this or learn this it?s always her mom even if it?s not true so we obviously can?t always trust these statements. But here is the strange part...as soon as we start eating dinner everything changed.  Suddenly she was this happy child and laughing and giggling and asking about the cake we made earlier in the day.  After dinner she asked for a treat and my DH asked her if she thought she deserved it she responded with "I said sorry" in a very snotty tone.  So sorry for the novel but did we just get played or do we have a serious issue on our hands?  We are taking her to her 5 year checkup soon and going to ask the doctor for a recommendation for a therapist but I am just really at a loss right now with what to think about this whole situation.  Thanks for reading ladies! 

BFP 11/23/11...CP 11/29/11 BFP 12/28/11...Natural MC 1/19/12 BFP 2/22/12...EDD 11/2/12 new EDD 10/28/2012 Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

Re: Serious problem or Manipulation

  • I draw the line at suicide threats.  I'd be taking her to the doctor now and following their recommendations.
    Mama of 2: one who grew in my womb, both who grow in my heart.
  • My SD, now 8.5, did the same things at that age. She didn't hit our pets but she would do strange, mean things she knew were wrong and then get SUPER dramatic about it. She would throw herself on the floor, say she was horrible, tell us her mom was going to hate her and make her sleep in the closet. She was never hit or punished like this at our house or BMs so we don't know where she got it.

    If hitting the dog to be mean is a new thing and it concerns you I would definitely ask the doctor. Has anything changed in her living arrangement or family life recently? SDs behavior always got worse when there was a change.
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  • Thats how I feel too and I have been saying for a really long time that she needs to see someone because I honestly dont think things are ok for her but no one seems to listen to me which is even more frustrating and even discouraging for me to continously bring it up. I am going to talk to my DH tonight and tell him I really think we should try to get her in this week to see her doctor.
    BFP 11/23/11...CP 11/29/11 BFP 12/28/11...Natural MC 1/19/12 BFP 2/22/12...EDD 11/2/12 new EDD 10/28/2012 Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • katecham to answer your question we just had a baby so yes our family dynamic has changed.
    BFP 11/23/11...CP 11/29/11 BFP 12/28/11...Natural MC 1/19/12 BFP 2/22/12...EDD 11/2/12 new EDD 10/28/2012 Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • I agree that I'd take her to counseling.  Maybe she is just playing you, but I would never take it lightly. She's trying to shock you.  There's a reason for that. So find out what it is and deal with it appropriately.
    "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
  • Per all of the therapists (and we have seen tons of them) if a child mentions suicide then you best get them help, because no child "kids" about it. - and you know the difference between calling out a suicide and claiming that you are just going to DIE if XX, YY or ZZ does/doesn not happen

    They are seriously looking for a way out OR are playing you OR there is something else seriously going on in their lives and they are looking for help.

    SS used it as a way to get out of being in trouble.  The first time he did, he got special trip to a regular children's hospital with with his mommy.  The second time he did (with us) his therapist called the general psych ward with him in the room and started making plans to commit him. 

    Boy did he backtrack after that phone call. He has never used it againl.  

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  • My SS used to hit our dog too. I have to say I grew up in a BF with two parents who hated eachother and I still NEVER hit our pets. It would not have occurred to me as a kid.

    I absolutely do not believe this is a normal BF issue. For us, we found out SS was getting "punished/hit" from Bm's boyfriend and witnessing his siblings get hit like that too. I'm sorry but kids are little mirrors they reflect and act out what they see.  Counseling yes and then a serious discussion with Bm. If it truly isn't occurring in either home then I would be concerned about something happening (bully?) at school. I would take this very seriously

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  • Counseling yesterday.  My ss is ADHD/bipolar, he never threatened to kill himself, but he threatened to kill his siblings even his infant neice.  He also would call hi sled stupid and punch himself in the face.  Proper medication has turned him completely around.  He was 7 at diagnosis
  • I agree with PPs. Call your SD's pediatrician if you need a therapist recommendation for her. All suicide threats need to be taken seriously. If she's just using it to get attention or out of trouble, she needs to learn that her words have consequences. If she's saying it because she hears BM saying it, then she needs therapy. I used to work in an inpatient psych unit where our social worker compared a parent's suicide attempt to child abuse. If BM is frequently making verbal suicide threats around SD, then it's emotional abuse - and she needs treatment for that. If she's honestly coming up with it on her own, as a form of manipulation, then you need to work together with a therapist to get it under control now!

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    BFP 11/23/11...CP 11/29/11 BFP 12/28/11...Natural MC 1/19/12 BFP 2/22/12...EDD 11/2/12 new EDD 10/28/2012 Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • I personally think that unless she has acted this way at other times than you can't read too much into it.  Was this an isolated incident or has she acted this way before?  Kids hear things on TV or movies or at school.  She could have heard about suicide from any number of outlets.  My 3 year old has tried to kick the dog a few times and I have just corrected him and let him know that's not ok.
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