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Single Parents
Worried about my child resenting me :/ *Long*
A little background:
I left my child's father this last Saturday. We had been together since 2009. He has two sons from a previous relationship whom I am very close with. Through out four year span, we started out living with my parents, got our own place for awhile then moved in with his parents.
Now that we're not together I've got a million thoughts running through my mind. As much as I love him, he can be an absolute horrible person! He loves his other children, but he doesn't really interact with them, he's content with sticking them in front of the TV and then go off to do his own thing. He drinks a lot now and he never used to. Now I have found out that not only does he drink and drive..but he drinks and drives with his children in the car! Trust me if I wasn't pregnant this would've resulted in a fist fight! He lives in a tiny 3 bedroom house with his mom, step-dad, brother (who has full custody one child and one on the way), not to mention himself and his two boys plus the one we're having. He actually thinks it's acceptable to have his 3 kids live and sleep in the same bedroom as him!! Oh and did I forget to mention that they have TWELVE (yes I said 12) dogs that all live in the house with them that poop and pee everywhere! They also live on a dirty farm. The house is absolutely disgusting dirty! Dirt, mud, sand, sawdust, everything you could think of on the floors and counters and furniture! And everyone who lives there chain smokes constantly, and they think it's no big deal to smoke around the kids.
They own their own logging business from their home. So there is a lot of equipment such as log trucks, dump trucks, bulldozers, excavators, and lots of other scary looking equipment that the kids could all very easily get hurt on. And all the kids are left un-attended outside. Makes me crazy nervous.
I have come to grips with being a single mother and am beyond okay with it. I've got a steady job where I can support myself and my child comfortably. I'll also be living with my parents (my mother is a organized neat freak THANK GOD!)
But he's my issue. As of right now I have cut off all contact with him and his family. Decided the child will have my last name, and I'm considering not putting him on the birth certificate. I plan on asking for no child support from him as well. He likes to play Daddy and make everyone think he's father of the year but I know better. Hugh problem, his mother oversteps her boundries often and even if he didn't want anything to do with this child she would make him go to court and file.
However I'm so worried that if I continue with the decision to do my best to keep him away from this child that 1) The court will force visitation and it will make co-parenting even more of a nightmare or 2) My child will absolutely hate me and resent me for making the decisions I did.
If you've actually read all this kudos to you because I know it's long and confusing. I just need to know if my points are valid for not wanting him around my child, and if I'd have an issue getting full custody. Any advice at all would be appreciated and helpful. And yes I'm prepared for a few snarky comments.
TIA!!!!
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Re: Worried about my child resenting me :/ *Long*
Wow. Sounds like you finally made the decision I need to make and stick with. I personally think you're doing what is best for your child now. If he/she wants to get to know their dad later in life when they are capable of understanding things a little better then maybe you can work with that. In the meantime, I guess we just have to keep our fingers crossed that he won't make trouble.
My situation is kind of similar. I reunited with my HS sweetie a few years ago and really wanted the fairy tale with him. Well, we've both grown and changed (duh!) and I just don't think it is going to work out. He, too, has developed an alcohol problem (80% of his family are alcoholics), lost his license, is enabled by his mother and aunt, doesn't have to grow up and be responsible (we're both 42), is self absorbed and selfish and will really not set a good example to our child. He is also having a hard time holding down a job. That's a whole other story! I also have to beg him every week to give me his half of the bill money (I make him pay weekly). If I were living in someone else's house I'd feel like a deadbeat if I didn't pay the agreed upon amount on time. If I was struggling I'd make damn sure I paid them ASAP.
Shipping Wars was on tv last night and one of the people on the show won a bid to ship a pregnant mare. He makes comments all the time like, "The horsewill probably just die anyway! Hahaha!" Depending on the subject, his comments are not only negative, but can be sexist, racist, and just down right crude. When he has gas (OFTEN!) he also seems to think it's funny to fart/belch as loudly as he can. Thankfully he doesn't do this in public (much). It's like living with a teenage boy. Sooo sexy! NOT!
He also has no freaking clue, no matter how many times I tell him, how hard it is to work 40+ hours a week with this big ol' belly, make all my doctor's appointments (2+ of those each week), have to cook/do dishes every other night, take care of the animals, and keep the house clean while getting ready for baby. He thinks cooking/dishes every other night, sweeping the floor and cleaning the toilet once in awhile is more than enough for him to do around the house. I swear if I go home to his ass holding down the couch in front of the tv one more day I will lose it.
My concern at this point is not as much what our daughter will think about dad not being there but keeping a roof over our heads and being able to pay for child care so I can keep working. I make decent money...but a little too much to qualify for assistance if we need it. Being that he is getting unemployment right now and based of the whopping $30/month the state made him pay for his son (now 18) I doubt I'll be seeing much support from him. By the way, his aunt paid the child support for his son the last couple years he had to pay it to keep him out of jail. I should have been smart enough to at least get pregnant by someone who can keep a job! lol
Anyway, good luck with this. I'd rather have my child resent me a little than expose her to bad influences and unsafe conditions.
Only you can decide what is right for you and your little one. The only concern I would have if I were you is if he decides he wants to be in your child's life and he makes it difficult to keep him out. Have you told him you want him to stay out of the child's life?
My child's father let me know the moment I refused to have an abortion that he wanted nothing to do with the baby. While it sucks (we were really good friends for over 10 years) I don't judge him for his decision because its what is right for him. Maybe he will change his mind over time, maybe not. I have fully left him out of everything and have no communication at all. I'm not going to put him on the birth certificate, I'm not going to ask for child support. I haven't even told a soul who "he" is because I don't ever want my son to get information about this from anyone but me.
In grand scheme of it all, I haven't thought too much about my son resenting me. I've thought more about my son resenting his father and being hurt by someone who didn't want him and wants nothing to do with him. You may have a time when they don't understand that you are actually protecting them but eventually they will understand that it was/is whats best for them.
My parents were never married when they had me, they were dating (didn't live together) but split up before I was a year old. My dad never paid child support, they never went to court, and him and my mom agreed that he would get me every other weekend and that was it. My mom had all the holidays, birthdays, etc. He showed up for me when it was convenient for him and when I was with him he would talk badly about my mom (my mom never said a single negative thing to me about him) to me and tried to get me to move in with him. When I was 16 he suceeded and I moved in with him (destroying my mom, of course) and 3 months later he kicked me out and we haven't spoke since. I never resented my mom for my dad not being around or not coming to get me and yeah I did cave in but I quickly learned his true colors. So if I look at it from my experiences I would rather my son hurt me for a few months (if it comes down to that) than for him to hurt for years when his dad doesn't want him or doesn't give him the life he deserves.
Sorry this is so long, I just didn't want to give you half of my opinion and not back it up with why.
Stay strong and know that whatever you decide will be right!
As far as I know I would have to prove that he's drinking and driving, and his whole family will just lie for him. I think I'm having the hardest time dealing with the fact that like I'm up against his whole family which is honestly a little scary cause his family has lots of money and will fight for every stupid little petty thing just to make my life hell.
I have decided that I'm going to leave contact up to him. If he contacts me with questions or anything concerning the baby I will respond appropriately but I'm not going to go out of my way.
I also decided that I'm going to talk with my state legal aid, and an attorney who deals specifically with family cases. Just to get myself informed and see what my options are. When the baby is born I do not plan on going to court myself. If he contacts me and wants to see the baby I will allow it to an extent (ie as long as he is not driving my the baby and it won't be at his house). Other than that I'm going to wait it out and see if he decides to file court papers (he never did with his other two, BM did because she wanted child support) so I'm not sure how that part will go.
Also my mom had suggested hiring a Private Investigator so I would have proof of the drinking and driving as well as the drugs and whatever other horrible things he's doing. I'm holding off on this for now only because I think it might be going a little overboard, but I'm definitely going to keep it in the back of my mind.
Thank you for all you advice and help it is appreciated more than you will ever know!!!
You don't need proof to file a report. You just call, tell them about the living conditions you've witnessed, and the drug/alcohol use you've heard about orwitnessed. You can call anonymously. CPS investigates, and even if they don't find neglect, its sctill all on file. It builds a case should you ever have problems with him putting your LO in unsafe situations.