BM question

AmeliaKris

Hi all. I mostly lurk here but have posted a few times. DH and I have his 2 kids full time. They are 10 and 13. BM involvement is sporadic at best...maybe 6 to 8 times a year for a few hours at a time. She lives in our town. She does not call, go to school events, etc... We are now 14 weeks pregnant with our first LO together after a miscarriage in Sept. Should we or do we inform bm of this change in the kids' lives? Do we just let her figure it out? How did any of you deal with this? Thanks.

Cheerilee

BM in our case is even less involved than the BM in yours. DH told her we were expecting around 20 weeks when we started telling others. We didn't want her to find out from someone else. Plus, even if she isn't involved, she deserved to know SS would have a new sibling.

ETA: And congratulation!

AmeliaKris

Thanks. I was thinking maybe dh just needs to send her a text message....

Nineoceans

We didn't tell BM and we won't tell her next time either. When we tell ss in our 2nd trimester he can tell her if he wants. I'm in the minority but I believe my uterus is absolutely none of BM's concern. My child is of no relation or relevance to her and if SS has any conerns or questions about our new baby that's why he has his dad.

twister22

Nineoceans:

We didn't tell BM and we won't tell her next time either. When we tell ss in our 2nd trimester he can tell her if he wants. I'm in the minority but I believe my uterus is absolutely none of BM's concern. My child is of no relation or relevance to her and if SS has any conerns or questions about our new baby that's why he has his dad.

Really?! This isn't about your uterus, it's about your SK having a sibling. Something that affects the SK in a huge way. And as it's both BM and BD's child, it affects them both. I told BD when I was pregnant, just as BD told me when BM2 was pregnant. It's a change that affects the child's life in a major, MAJOR way. I think both parents have a right to know about major changes in a child's life.

ETA to add: OP, I would let BM know when you are open about it to everyone. As your BM isn't very involved, I think a text message would suffice. 

+just+j+

OMG. I'm sorry, but a text message WILL NOT suffice. This is about her children and your baby.   Pick up the phone and talk to the woman.

Seriously, I think it's in poor taste these days that we think nothing of texting people about important moments in life. Can we not talk to each other anymore??

AmeliaKris

She doesn't have email and I don't think its something she will respond positively about...I guess that's why I'm thinking text message. If she was more involved, called to talk to kids etc....then I would most definitely say a phone call but its just not that kind of relationship I guess. I wish it was but its not in all honesty.

guilletskichuk

AmeliaKris:

She doesn't have email and I don't think its something she will respond positively about...I guess that's why I'm thinking text message. If she was more involved, called to talk to kids etc....then I would most definitely say a phone call but its just not that kind of relationship I guess. I wish it was but its not in all honesty.

I think a text is fine. You said SKs live with you full-time and she isn't even involved enough in their lives to make phone calls to them on a regular basis. If they lived with her for even a part of the time, I would tell her sooner than later. But this really doesn't concern her that much. I think you should tell her but I don't think you need to make a big deal of it.

CFjo2010

+just+j+:

OMG. I'm sorry, but a text message WILL NOT suffice. This is about her children and your baby.   Pick up the phone and talk to the woman.

Seriously, I think it's in poor taste these days that we think nothing of texting people about important moments in life. Can we not talk to each other anymore??

Generally I would completely agree with the bolded.  Unfortunately sometimes it's just easier/better to tell people things through texts.  When DH told BM we were having a baby, he text her.  His reasons?  He didn't want to deal with her hysterics about how horrible this was for her and how she couldn't deal with it.  Telling her in person would have ended up with her yelling at him in front of K, and telling her over the phone would have ended with her yelling at him also.  So yes, maybe it was the chicken sh!t way of handling it, but sometimes that's what needs to happen in order to preserve your own sanity and not have your happiness dampered.

CFjo2010

twister22:

Nineoceans:

We didn't tell BM and we won't tell her next time either. When we tell ss in our 2nd trimester he can tell her if he wants. I'm in the minority but I believe my uterus is absolutely none of BM's concern. My child is of no relation or relevance to her and if SS has any conerns or questions about our new baby that's why he has his dad.

Really?! This isn't about your uterus, it's about your SK having a sibling. Something that affects the SK in a huge way. And as it's both BM and BD's child, it affects them both. I told BD when I was pregnant, just as BD told me when BM2 was pregnant. It's a change that affects the child's life in a major, MAJOR way. I think both parents have a right to know about major changes in a child's life.

ETA to add: OP, I would let BM know when you are open about it to everyone. As your BM isn't very involved, I think a text message would suffice. 

Dude, seriously.

Nineoceans, no one is saying you have to get BM's/BD's permission to have a baby.  But it's just common courtesy to tell the other parent.  No child should have to play messenger with this kind of news.  It's not fair to the other parent and it's definitely not fair to the child.  What if BM reacts in a horrible way?  You really want your SS to deal with BM's initial reaction?  You don't want to give BM a few days to process things before seeing/talking to SS?  Not cool.

 

happywife2b

Nineoceans:

We didn't tell BM and we won't tell her next time either. When we tell ss in our 2nd trimester he can tell her if he wants. I'm in the minority but I believe my uterus is absolutely none of BM's concern. My child is of no relation or relevance to her and if SS has any conerns or questions about our new baby that's why he has his dad.

I am going to respectfully disagree. I remember distinctly being 11 and having my dad put me in this exact situation. He was remarried and expecting, but refused to tell my mom. Left it up to me to do so, which made my life so awkward and unhappy for many months. I was terrified to tell her because I knew she would be upset and likely take it out on the messenger (me). I was angry and hurt by my dad's decision to put me in that position, and I was just so utterly confused about what to do that I began to act out at home and at school. It took a major sit down with parents and teacher, principal and me finally in tears telling everyone why I was so angry. My dad's behavior was juvenile and caused me emotional stress and harm. I wouldn't ever advocate for an adult to put adult responsibilities on a child.

My 2 cents.

awesomenus1341

I am not a BM, and we are not expecting yet, but the thought has crossed my mind on what to do when the time comes. SS lives with BM full time so our BM is faaarr more involved. She didn't tell us when her mother was expecting (she and ss live with her parents), but we asked when we saw them moving all their baby stuff around and Grandpa told us. She mentioned when they found out the sex, because DH asked if they had found out. And she sent a text 2 days after he was born because she wanted us to get SS because her mom couldn't watch him. I don't plan on telling anyone when we decide to start ttc, or once we are expecting, until things become more obvious. I anticipate telling her either through text, or possibly when we go to pick ss up, or when she comes to get him at the end of the weekend. We won't tell SS until we have told her, but he is much younger so while he probably won't anticipate her reaction, he would probably tell her before we got the chance if he knew. Prior to the second trimester I wouldn't even bring it up. It does affect SS and it will be information she should at least know about- her opinion in the matter is a different story, but she has the right to know. In your case I think a text would be fine, she isn't involved enough as it is, I don't think it warrants a mandatory phone call.

Nineoceans

Happywife I have a feeling your mom would have been difficult regardless of who said anything if she was going to be that small finding out.

I was also in a BF growing up and prayed for years that my dad would give me a sibling. Regardless of my moms reaction due to their nuclear relationship I think it's pretty normal, married people have kids. Nothing to be shocked or upset about.

Yes if it impacted SS's life to a degree that concerned her such as we would need to move to a bigger house or SS would need to share his room with another child or we would have to drop one of his sports due to money then yes it's her concern. I've only met her other kids once, why do they have any impact or significance on our home life?

And to be honest the only reason her pregnancy had any impact on us is she told SS sometimes babies "die" because she was considering abortion and he had questions that we needed to clarify. He wasnt upset he just had questions.

FTR that's also how we found out she was pregnant for the third time and it didn't bother us or hurt our feelings. It was a bit surprising because she was single and living at home at the time but if she was married I don't think we would have even thought twice

If we had a good coparenting relationship we would tell her just to be friendly but we are not so we don't. But we have also found when you give her an inch she is taking a mile like giving me pregnancy and parenting advice lol once she found out we were expecting last time.

Honestly the more we communicate with her the more drama she is able to manufacture. I think a personal message about our pregnancy just induces drama. Like we were so concerned she was so fragile or she is so important to us she needs to know ASAP. We don't feel that way. Dh and I decide as a married couple when to have kids and she really has nothing to do with any of that. Any questions or concerns should be from SS to his dad. We have a very open relationship with him where he knows he can say or ask anything to us

FutureMrsWittig

We told BM right after we told SD, and we told her in a text.  Our thought process was this: we didn't want BM to be caught off guard when SD mentioned it (the way we were when SD came home upset because her mom was pregnant again and she found out from someone at church), but we wanted SD to know first. 

We told BM in a text because we didn't know how she would feel about it and wanted to give her time to process it and respond when she was ready.  She was actually very positive about it.  We sent "Wanted to let you know we told [SD] today that we are expecting a baby in July.  She seems excited right now to be a big sister again.  Let us know if she has any questions or issues."

Granted our situation is very different.  BM sees SD regularly and we all get along okay.  Ask yourself this, if BM was pregnant again would you want her to tell your H?  If your answer is yes, then you should tell her. 

+just+j+

Texting is a coward's way out. I get that you don't want to deal with her attitude, but some things are just tacky via text or email.

I have very strong opinions about texting (obviously).  I think our society is growing incredibly impersonal and we are getting away from dealing with people on a personal level. And we wonder why everyone is so pissy with each other. No wonder. We can hide behind texts and computer screens. 

It may go a long way if your husband would pick up the phone and just speak to her.  If she gets out of hand, all he has to do is say in a kind voice, "I'm sorry it upsets you. I just thought it would be the right thing to do to call you and tell you personally because our child will be a part of your children's lives.  Good bye." That's it. That's all you have to do. You don't have to engage.  Just at least have the courtesy to speak to her.

That might make her think twice about her behavior. Maybe she won't admit that to you and you'll never know, but you'd be surprised what an effect it could have for him to politely tell her the news.

And although I say "you" - it is YOUR HUSBAND that should do it. NOT YOU.

2chatter

We told the skids when they were with us.

DH had pre-drafted an email to send to BM.  We did not tell BM first because she would have told skids.  We discussed with skids then he sent the email immediately after; skids had already texted BM as well.

Email is acceptable when you know the response from BM will be insane.  I used to think text and email were inappropriate, then I heard BM on the phone with DH.  I have never in my life heard such vitroilic insanity.  As a result of the email BM told skids she was pregnant and then told them she had an abortion, then she told them she was pregnant again and had a miscarriage.  She told DH about both, and neither is even possibly true (her dates made no sense, both times she was at the gym the same day because the dr. cleared her for it...many other things).  BM is not married, and had no boyfriend at the time, but talks about going out with guys.  Awesome example.  Anyway...

If BM is not crazy I think a call is respectful and appropriate. 

bebe11

My DD told me about her Dad and his GF being pregant.  She called me while I was on vacation, my DD was just shy of her 8th birthday.  I don't have an opinion on it either way.  I didn't freak out or honestly really care that they were having a baby, even if I did what could I really do?  Nothing, so I don't feel like it's really my business anyway.  Sure I'd like to know, but how I receive the information isn't really a big deal to me.