How do you tech a child to appreciate their things?

NM86

How do you teach a child how to appreciate their things?

(Background: DH and BM have SD, who is almost 6, 50/50 everything and equal days and nights)

We went through SD's toys today to declutter her room and she had 5 broken barbies, several ripped up books, clothes stashed in places they shouldn't be, not to mention she broke her second V-Tech tablet (it's like a grown up tablet but has educational apps for kids. When she broke the first one we threw it out, spoke to her about being responsible for her things. She then recieved a replacement from DH's parents for xmas... she only plays with it supervised now, or rather she did before she broke it again by throwing it on to the floor and stepping on it)

Anyway, we spoke to her again about treating her things properly, and that this is her last warning (she tends to break things all the time) and that if she cannot take care of her things we will take everything out of her room besides her bed and dresser and if she wants to play with something she will need to ask for it. I know this sounds extreme...but DH and I dont know what else to do. We have a play area for DS' toys (his room is too small to put toys in) and we would just put her toys there too, but her toys aren't baby friendly (small parts to barbies and dolls, etc.) and she tends to break his toys as well.

I feel bad for SD because she gets mixed signals at her mom's and at our house. She's said several time that her mom says, "I just like to play rough and she will but me new things when I break them". When, not if...

It's not an issue of her playing rough. She rips up books and pulls the heads off of her dolls and says it's because she doesn't like them. When she plays with DS and his toys she will literally sit there and try to bend things that aren't meant to be bent or try to pinch his inflatable ball pitt when DH or I glance away. They are baby toys and should be able to stand up to a baby...but she's broken several things already.

Anyway, I know we can't control what happens at her mom's house, but we can try and fix things at ours. Does anyone have any tips or suggestions? This is probably not even a BF issue really, just an age issue.

fellesferie

My kids take relatively good care of their toys. DS (8) is very protective of the things that are important to him. For example, he'll choose to leave his 3DS or his Kindle at home or in the car if he thinks he'll be walking around too much and might drop it.

But we didn't really see him choosing to be responsible until he broke his first Kindle. We waited several months before replacing it for him. And we were really clear with him that if he broke this one, he wasn't getting another.

So I think if your SD is breaking things, then she can live with the natural consequences of that. If she's pulling heads off dolls, then I'd just throw away the broken ones and pack up the rest for awhile. I wouldn't replace a 3rd tablet. 

I don't remember how old your SD is, but another other suggestion I have might be more accountability? It would be really hard for DS to hide a broken tablet or ripped books from us. We're in his room multiple times a day, and try to everything pretty much under our thumbs. By not finding the stuff until later, you're losing a chance to give an immediate (or near immediate) negative reinforcement.  

If she's being intentionally destructive, I would punish for that. I'd make my 8-yo write me 10 sentences on why it's not okay to rip up books or destroy his sister's toy. At a younger age, definitely a time out and loss of tv-type privileges. 

Oh, another idea--my kid is good with his toys but not with his clothes. He was going through a pair of shoelaces almost every week, so I made him buy his most recent set with his money. He didn't appreciate it.  

 

ambrvan

My SD is also 6, and the intentionally destructive behavior you are describing is not an age issue. It is a lack of respect. We expect SD to be respectful of her things and other's possessions just as wen expect her to be respectful of people in general.

SD was about 3yo when we started to teach her these things more strictly. If I was having to do this now at 6yo, I would make her completely accountable for everything, including replacing or earning a replacement. Personally, for broken barbies, I would make her throw the broken ones away and take away one intact one for every broken one there is and so on until she stopps breaking them. Books, all books are put up out of reach and read under direct supervision.

In fact, while she is at her moms, I would rearrange her room and go through it completely. Donate anything YOU think she does not need or play with or responsible enough to have. Downsizing the inventory will make it easier to keep up with everything and make items more precious, especially when theybare thrown away immediately and not replaced for at least a year when they are broken. If you think it would work, you could try a chart. When she breaks something or is not respectful in some way, she gets a negative mark. When she does something helpful, cleans her room, puts everything in its exact proper place, then take away a negative mark and add a good one. Eventually she will hopefully earn enough good marks to replace an item or get something new. But the time to wait and the amount of good marks needs to be significant enough to make her really work for her rewards, though.

Personally, I think real organization and making children go through their possessions with you at least twice a year we do it four times to clean out and donate is a key in forming responsibility in young children. My kids are 3 and 6yo, and both of them are fully capable of keeping up their rooms daily, donating quarterly, and taking care of their possessions with guidance. It doesn't matter if the BM is not on point with you. Most kids can quickly grasp the idea of behavior expected in only one home as long as that home is consistent. But if it continues the way it is, then I would think you are in for a ride as she gets older.

Ilumine

We started early with DD because we had the very same issue with SS.  He broke/lost 4 DS and 3 Ipod Touches. 

1. We keep her toys at a minimum.  Its easier to miss something when there isnt an awful lot to distract with.
2. We do not replace broken toys unless you ask for it for the next birthday/christmas.  You break it, you lost it. We do not even try to fix the toys anymore (that is what we tried with SS, making him pay for the fixes, but that did not seem to work - full on loss of the item works better).
3. We have an evening clean up rule.  She gets 30 minute to clean up her room (we have a really well organized system that allows her to have every toy out on her floor and be able to clean everything up within that time). Whatever is left out when all it done gets put into the "time out" basket. 
4. She can either EARN a toy back it stays in the basket for a full week.  This also applies to loosing something for bad behavior, though we really dont do that now, because she is more motivated with Story Time or TV.
5. She is not allowed to bring her toys out of her room.  That keeps the possibility of loss or being stepped on by family memebers at a bare minimum.

I am trying to teach her good habits as I go along too. 

1. We dont start on a new project or game or activity until the old one is totally cleaned up. I make sure that she sees me doing that. 
2. I do a 30 minute clean up while she eats her lunch, so she sees me doing my "chore'. 
3. She helps me do my chores and sees first hand what happens when things get broken, ie DH or SS not taking things out of their pockets before laundry or what happens to a belt when a DH leaves it where a dog can reach it.
4. We practice what we preach.  I have a broken Ipad screen that will stay broken until it totally dies and/or until till my next birthday. 

Finally, she has an allowance at the ripe old age of 4.  She gets $1 in quarters every week for doing her "job" (we differentiate between doing tasks that earn money and tasks that you do as part of the household or to care for yourself).

She puts 25 cents into her savings jar, 25 cents into her charity jar and 50 cents into her personal fun jar.  And then we go to the dollar store every other week and she can buy herself a toy or candy.

Its a lot of work doing this part of parenting.  But I have found that DH is very generous with both kids in ways that I think are detrimental.  DH will buy any snack food the kids want (not only unhealthy but creates some entitlements) or name brand clothes/shoes/shower and bath gel items/etc.  Everytime we go to the commissary, DH will buy himself and SS a 20oz bottle of coke - and now DD feels entitled to a drink too.  Even though we have cokes at home....which we bought cheaper by buying bulk and with coupons.

THese little things add up and it is my job to counter them.

awesomenus1341

You have a lot of really great suggestions here that I hope help! In my case, SS is about to turn 4 and we originally had issues with him being very distructive or neglectful of his toys. He never purposely broke them, but he just played so rough with them and misused them (wanting to throw things that aren't meant to be thrown or slamming toys into each other that aren't meant to take that abuse). We have never replaced a toy that has broken, period. And he is too young, IMO, for any kind of tablet/kindle/ipad/etc. We did consider a VTech for him for Christmas, but just decided to wait until next year, or maybe his 5th birthday. At BM's house, his toys never work, and it's because no one ever takes care of them. They are left outside, on the ground, with the dogs, etc.. Nothing has batteries in it, everything is missing the screws to hold it together, it's just a giant junkyard (for kid and adult toys). So, we have been adamant about putting up toys before we play with more, about taking care of the things we have, and if it's broken, it's trashed and not replaced. This has worked well so far for us. Good Luck!

FutureMrsWittig

We had a similar issue.  We've put a lot of toys up and SD has to ask for them, play with them and then they go back when she's done.  We go through her room periodically and anything that's broken goes in the garbage.  If breakages are excessive we take all those particular toys away until she goes a certain period of time without breaking anything.

kali55

Ilumine:

We started early with DD because we had the very same issue with SS.  He broke/lost 4 DS and 3 Ipod Touches. 

1. We keep her toys at a minimum.  Its easier to miss something when there isnt an awful lot to distract with.
2. We do not replace broken toys unless you ask for it for the next birthday/christmas.  You break it, you lost it. We do not even try to fix the toys anymore (that is what we tried with SS, making him pay for the fixes, but that did not seem to work - full on loss of the item works better).
3. We have an evening clean up rule.  She gets 30 minute to clean up her room (we have a really well organized system that allows her to have every toy out on her floor and be able to clean everything up within that time). Whatever is left out when all it done gets put into the "time out" basket. 
4. She can either EARN a toy back it stays in the basket for a full week.  This also applies to loosing something for bad behavior, though we really dont do that now, because she is more motivated with Story Time or TV.
5. She is not allowed to bring her toys out of her room.  That keeps the possibility of loss or being stepped on by family memebers at a bare minimum.

I am trying to teach her good habits as I go along too. 

1. We dont start on a new project or game or activity until the old one is totally cleaned up. I make sure that she sees me doing that. 
2. I do a 30 minute clean up while she eats her lunch, so she sees me doing my "chore'. 
3. She helps me do my chores and sees first hand what happens when things get broken, ie DH or SS not taking things out of their pockets before laundry or what happens to a belt when a DH leaves it where a dog can reach it.
4. We practice what we preach.  I have a broken Ipad screen that will stay broken until it totally dies and/or until till my next birthday. 

Finally, she has an allowance at the ripe old age of 4.  She gets $1 in quarters every week for doing her "job" (we differentiate between doing tasks that earn money and tasks that you do as part of the household or to care for yourself).

She puts 25 cents into her savings jar, 25 cents into her charity jar and 50 cents into her personal fun jar.  And then we go to the dollar store every other week and she can buy herself a toy or candy.

Its a lot of work doing this part of parenting.  But I have found that DH is very generous with both kids in ways that I think are detrimental.  DH will buy any snack food the kids want (not only unhealthy but creates some entitlements) or name brand clothes/shoes/shower and bath gel items/etc.  Everytime we go to the commissary, DH will buy himself and SS a 20oz bottle of coke - and now DD feels entitled to a drink too.  Even though we have cokes at home....which we bought cheaper by buying bulk and with coupons.

THese little things add up and it is my job to counter them.

I love these suggestions!  I'm going to have to implement some of them for our household as well.

We had a problem with SDs not taking care of their things so we collected most of their toys and put them away in the basement.  They were able to earn back toys with good behavior and taking care of the things that they earned back.  It's not a perfect system, but it seems to be working for us thus far.

CFjo2010

Ilumine:

We started early with DD because we had the very same issue with SS.  He broke/lost 4 DS and 3 Ipod Touches. 

1. We keep her toys at a minimum.  Its easier to miss something when there isnt an awful lot to distract with.
2. We do not replace broken toys unless you ask for it for the next birthday/christmas.  You break it, you lost it. We do not even try to fix the toys anymore (that is what we tried with SS, making him pay for the fixes, but that did not seem to work - full on loss of the item works better).
3. We have an evening clean up rule.  She gets 30 minute to clean up her room (we have a really well organized system that allows her to have every toy out on her floor and be able to clean everything up within that time). Whatever is left out when all it done gets put into the "time out" basket. 
4. She can either EARN a toy back it stays in the basket for a full week.  This also applies to loosing something for bad behavior, though we really dont do that now, because she is more motivated with Story Time or TV.
5. She is not allowed to bring her toys out of her room.  That keeps the possibility of loss or being stepped on by family memebers at a bare minimum.

I am trying to teach her good habits as I go along too. 

1. We dont start on a new project or game or activity until the old one is totally cleaned up. I make sure that she sees me doing that. 
2. I do a 30 minute clean up while she eats her lunch, so she sees me doing my "chore'. 
3. She helps me do my chores and sees first hand what happens when things get broken, ie DH or SS not taking things out of their pockets before laundry or what happens to a belt when a DH leaves it where a dog can reach it.
4. We practice what we preach.  I have a broken Ipad screen that will stay broken until it totally dies and/or until till my next birthday. 

These suggestions are awesome!  I'm totally stealing some of them.

OP, I stripped my son's bedroom when he was almost 7.  I had asked him for nearly a week to clean up his bedroom floor and he didn't do it.  I told him he had until X day to get it done or I would take everything.  Well, he called my bluff so while he was at school I took everything but his bed, dresser and desk.  He lost his books, toys, posters, etc.  He had to earn every single thing back.  He's almost 14 now and he cleans his room every week without being told.  Sometimes drastic measures work.

J&A2008

Why do you think she's destroying her things? Has she been in counseling since the divorce?
It sounds like she could feel like she lacks control over her environment or surroundings and is trying to gain some control in the only ways she can.

NM86

No, she doesn't have any other behavioral problems. BM and DH want to get her tested for ADHD since she doesn't seem to focus, but so far school isn't being affected so they are going to wait to see what happens with that.

Anyway, I don't think it's because of the divorce. DH and BM have been divorced since SD was 8 months old.

Now I do think she needs counseling to help her deal with being in a BF in general, but DH refuses to acknowledge that it would help her and said BM would be the same way.

Thanks for your suggestions everyone.

CFjo2010

NM86:

Now I do think she needs counseling to help her deal with being in a BF in general, but DH refuses to acknowledge that it would help her and said BM would be the same way. Thanks for your suggestions everyone.

My family did counseling to help the kids (and me and DH) cope with becoming a blended family. The main focus was to help us all sort out our new "roles" in the blended family and to help us relate to each other better.  It was incredibly beneficial for all of us, especially K.  Since the counseling wasn't individualized, BM couldn't stop us from doing it with K.  The counselor knew in advance to avoid any discussion of BM and to keep things focused on our household.  Maybe that's something you and DH can look into.