feel like im losing control

Brayden&ConnorsMommy

hi everyone.  its been 5 months since my son connor died at almost 15 months old and its been almost one month since my subsequent miscarriage.  i feel like i am losing my mind.  i cant get through a day without crying.  i ache all the time.  i find it difficult to be around other babies/toddlers and now i feel pain at seeing a woman pregnant.  i should be pregnant right now but im not.  i should have two children here on earth with me but i dont.  i feel anger sometimes but mostly i feel just an emptiness.  right after connor died i of course was devastated and emotional but predominately i had a numbness.  i got through the planning of his funeral and i even spoke at his funeral and said a long speech about how being a mother has been the best thing i have ever done with my life and i would not trade the pain of connors loss for loss of all the wonderful memories of him.  if this is the price i have to pay for having had the chance to love such a wonderful child then i will pay it.  i made it through all of that and the first few subsequent months just coasting by.  but after this miscarriage, i feel i have no defenses left.  i am grieving harder and more intense now than ever before.  its been 5 months and i am worse now than ever.  i feel every thing.  have any of you felt that your grief actually got worse over time instead of better?  i feel like im losing my mind.  like people are probably expecting me to be getting myself back together again by this point and instead i am crumbling.  i avoid people who have babies and dont want to talk about people that i know pregnancies.  i see babies out places and i get choked up instantly.  i see commercials about babies and i feel like crying.  i look at connors picture now and i just want to cry.  i see pregnant women and i am jealous.  i even look at other peoples toddlers walking around and i wonder why do they get to have their baby and watch them grow up and my son died in his sleep?  connor had just started to walk and play with his brother.  he had so much life left to live.  i cant seem to get it together and i dont know why its so bad now.  does anyone else know what im going through?  am i going crazy?  why is it so debilitating now after 5 months?  my cousin has a daughter who is supposed to be 5 months younger than my connor but now she is the same age that connor was when he died, so i look at it as they are now the same age, and i find that excruciating.  and on top of that, my cousin and i told each other we were pregnant at the same time and we were due on the same day.  now she is still pregnant and i had a miscarriage.  so i look at her and think she has a healthy 14 month old like i should have had and shes pregnant and due on the day i should have been.  its not fair.  i have my son brayden who is four and believe me when i tell you he is my salvation.  i look to him for my life line.  if i didnt have him i dont know what i would do.  i feel like im losing it.  thanks for listening everyone

 

Holly

Brayden, 4

Connor 6/2/11-8/29/12

fluttergirlmoonchild79

First, I just want to give you a big squishy hug.  I'm so sorry you're having a rough time.  I like to think of grief like trying to dig myself out of a hole.  Just when I think I'm making progress, I slide back down, sometimes further and have to start the climb again.  I too get weepy over even seeing certain things.  Other than one couple we know, I haven't been around anyone else's children.  So many of our friends had a baby right before or right after we did and I just can't handle it.  The one couple - it's just different - long story really.  Our son also became an angel in his sleep - at 36 days old.  I was just starting to get the hang of the whole mom thing.  It's ok to feel the way you are feeling.  I know it's a horrible feeling but it's part of grief.  This too will pass, if only for a while. 

Wishing you peace and love today and always

meli1025

I'm so sorry you're having a rough time and I completely understand the feeling of losing control.  My loss of Ava is four months out and I also just recently had an early mc (still going through it).  My therapist tells me that the way I'm feeling now...this intense grief like I just lost Ava all over again, is just part of the process of going through grieving.  She very often tells me that the grief cycle takes a year.  This has always annoyed me because I do not have the paitence to be like this for a whole year and I think we all grieve differently, but what she is saying is starting to make sense to me in a way.  All of the milestones...all off of the "firsts"...happen within that year and they are the most hard to overcome.  She also reminds me that there is no way over or around this pain, you just have to go through it...which is what we are doing right?  I know it sucks.  I'm so sorry.  Big ((hugs)) to you.  I pray for the strength of all of us every night and will keep you and Connor in my prayers. 

jebretz

So sorry to hear about your losses :-( It makes sense that the miscarriage would cause and backslide into grief.  However, if the pain is becoming physical it could be a sign of depression.  It might help to find a therapist or support group... you shouldnt have to do it alone.  Good luck to you.   

Williamandshawnna

I am so sorry for your losses. As others have said, you came to the right place for support. I have found my therapist to be a huge help in dealing with my grief. I wish you peace and comfort.

HUGS