Does anyone ever feel like you just don't know HOW to be a parent?

AshleyMF1983

I'm beginning to think I need parenting classes.  Does such a thing even exist??

DD screams & cries when DH and I try to have a conversation with each other.  Ditto when I try to help him with dinner (even for 5 seconds).  Ditto if I leave her sight.  I never know what to do...aside from make her happy ASAP in order to get the screaming to stop.  I've got friends telling me this is the wrong way to react, but they aren't telling me what the RIGHT way is (aside from 1 friend who told me that all kids need to be spanked. Um, yeah..NO).  She hits me and I tell her no, that it hurts and makes me sad...what does she do? Laughs in my face.  I feel like everything I do is wrong and isn't getting through to her.

I know she's not quite 2 yet (she's 18m), but I thought I'd post here because I feel like you ladies have been through this stage and might be able to help me more.  DD is a typical kid.  She does not have severe behavioral issues (despite what this post may suggest).  I just want to know what the hell to do because I'm feeling like a failure when it comes to reprimanding and getting a toddler to calm down.

 

Thanks ladies.

GirlLeastLikelyTo

I'm totally feeling the same way lately.  The laughing in my face is the worst.

puddin pop

Have you read the Baby Whisperer?? She has a book for toddlers, it may not solve all your problems but I take it out of the library from time to time when I run into a problem that I dont know how to deal with.

Everyone is so quick to tell you that your not doing something right but they dont seem to tell you WHAT to do! Drives you crazy right?

Meeshe

We've had success with both kids starting time outs by 18 months.  I know it doesn't seem like they will understand but they do!  I can ask my son "are you going to make good choices or do you need a timeout" and sometimes he'll say yes and sometimes timeout.  Sometimes when the timeout is over and I ask him if he's ready to make good choices he'll say no.  So he stays in there until he can answer yes when I ask him if he's ready.  He clearly gets it

technigirl

We started timeouts at about 18 months.  They really do help, and it sounds like they could work well for your daughter since she dislikes being away from you.   They start to understand the concept at that age.  They DO NOT understand that hitting "makes you sad" or what that even means.  We follow the 1 minute per year of age rule, so that would be a 1 minute timeout for your daughter.  Put her in her room or somewhere else that's safe, close the door and go do something else for a minute.  Hitting definitely warrants a time out in our house.

If she's screaming just to scream, but hasn't done anything that warrants punishment, honestly I would just ignore it.  You can even tell her you will talk to her/play with her when she calms down if you want to. But then walk away.  I find that's the best way to get a tantrum to stop.  If you pay attention to it, even in a negative way, then you're reinforcing the behavior.   

AmericanInOz

I agree with giving time outs a try

I started it around that age when dd was hitting

I would sit her in there and tell her to calm down and that we don't hit. The time away from me was upsetting to her and she clued in pretty quickly what is and isn't allowed in our house

it really only took a few weeks of time outs now and then and when she even starts that sort of behaviour now I ask her if she wants a time out and she stops immediately!

GL !

Mom2Mack1

I agree with PP suggesting trying timeouts.  Our pedi suggested starting them at our 18 month appt. 

We do 1 minute per year.  I tell her why she's in timeout.  If she gets out of timeout it starts over.  It may take a lot of putting her back but eventually she'll get it.  Afterwards we do hugs, kisses, and an "I love you".  I also reinterated why she was in timeout.

maize27

My guess is that she is screaming and crying to get your attention and she sad that your husband is taking that away from her.  I would calmly tell her that she needs to have a quiet voice if she wants to be in kitchen (or wherever you are) and if she keeps it up pick her up without saying a word, put her in another room and go back to your conversation.  She'll come back and cry and scream and you'll do it again, and again, and agin until she gets it. She cannot think that she runs the house and that you and your husband can't talk while she's there.  You can also model fornher what you would like her to say (based upon her verbal abilities). "hmmm. it looks likenyoure sad. instead ofbcrying tell me.'mommy! i need you!'" or whatever you think she would say. then respond positively to that. It sounds like she just needs the boundaries to be ,ore clearly defined and that she is trying to figure out where she stands. And she laughs at you because toddlers have no ability to take another persons perspective. When you tell her that she made you sad what she hears is , "ah! I got her!".  It is so hard to keep calm and patient and be neutral but when you can, it will work. 

groovygrl

Nothing to offer beyond the others but in response to your initial question-- yes, like almost every day. 

KateLouise

Something that really seems to be working for us is natural consequences. We don't do timeouts for any set length of time, but we do remove DD1 if her behaviour isn't allowing us to enjoy the common space how we'd like.

eg. DH and I are trying to talk. DD is screaming so that we can't. We ask her to stop. It continues. We tell her if we can't talk because she's screaming then we'll need to put her in her room (and generally we tell her she's welcome to scream in her room). It continues and we put her in her room.

Then we return and ask if she's ready to be quiet so that everyone can enjoy being in the lounge together. 

It's not a bulletproof system. But I find that keeping very calm and stating things in very simple terms of, "if x then y" works for us. 

firegal195

i would do time out...i do it for ds...he cries but he will learn...and i feel parenting is on the job training..what works for some wont work for others...my bff gives me advice too bc she has her 2 kids,,,which she feels are great...but everytime they are at my house they act like  banchees...im sure ur doing great!  GL!

hoping4sticky

I would check out some books and see what parenting style works for you. Generally as long as you do something and are consistent it will help. It does sound like you might need to work on independent play and start teaching that sometimes you must wait. I'm guessing that you know deep down that trying to meet every need so that she will be quiet is not a good idea.

You might want to check out https://www.janetlansbury.com/ 

Oh and anyone who has a toddler and gives the impression that they can always calm them down is lying. I have some techniques that help but we still have tantrums and outbursts.