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Babies: 0 - 3 Months
MonicaClaire13
member
Help! MIL issues: LONG
MonicaClaire13
member
my Future MIL drives me crazy about dd. She's 3 and a half weeks now
but I'm still very protective of her and who holds/touches her, or who
feeds or changes her. Whenever we see her if dd is asleep she whines and
says "oh wake up, wake up, you need to get up." I'm like, you can sit
there and whine about it, but I'm not waking her up until she has to
eat, or she can wake up on her own when she's ready. I generally don't
mind if people are loud around her or if they hold her while she's
asleep because she's an amazing sleeper, so far she'll sleep through
anything.
But last time we went to visit MIL I had dd in the car seat
still cause she'd just fallen asleep. She starts the whining again and I
flat out told her, well, you know, she JUST fell asleep. And after i said that
every time dd moved even the slightest bit she'd ask if she was waking
up. Once she really started stirring it also happened to be time for her to
eat, as soon as I reach for my bag to get a bottle, MIL asks if she can
see the baby.
I have trouble saying no with them because FI always says "it's up to Monica, or let me ask Monica first" and so I always end up being the bad guy, even if its something FI and I are both feeling like saying no to. Because he just wont say no to her. He's not a momma's boy but he just doesnt want to make those decisions.
They invited us out to breakfast this week and FI takes dd in and sets her on the table in her carrier right next to his mom. I understand that they want to see her and it's her granddaughter, and I'm glad she's interested in being in her life, but I'm not going to bring my baby directly over to you and leave her with you every time I see you.
This is her second grandchild, but first granddaughter. I feel like she expects me to act the same with my daughter as her oldest son's SO did with their son. Like she expects me to leave my daughter there to sleep over and expects me to give her to her and let her have her the whole time she's around. Her grandson, dd's cousin, is just over a year and seems to be over there pretty often. But her son doesn't work right now, and his SO is working a lot of the time and some crazy hours, so her son brings dd's cousin over all the time if he has something to do or just to hang out.
They recently bough a pack n' play "so the babies can sleep in it when they come over" and "when they stay the night". WHEN, not even if.
I will not be leaving my daughter to sleep overnight somewhere else without me unless there is 100% no other option, I'm just not okay with that. And the only person I would be comfortable leaving my baby with for a WHILE, is going to be my mother. And some of that is because she's my mom, and I trust her. But my mom took PTO to come and stay with me over night in my one bedroom apartment and slept on my couch because my FI works nights. She still comes and spends the night with me sometimes, and she's been around a lot since dd got here so she knows how to feed her and when to burp her or change her and how to keep her happy and how to get her to go to sleep. She knows what dd needs and how to do it better than FI does right now.
Honestly, because MIL has two 12 year olds and has other neighborhood kids that are their friends over at her house all the time, along with the fact that I've only known her for a couple years and I've seen how she was with dd's cousin: I probably will not leave dd with her until she's much older. And I won't need to because, my mom works full time from home. Luckily for me dd will sleep up to five hours, so it's not a lot for my mom to watch her during the work day. When I go back to work I am on call so I don't work more than 20 hours a week usually and some weeks I dont work at all. MIL works every day but Wednesday and then usually decides to not do anything her day off.
I feel like she and FI might feel like I let my mom see dd more and have more time with her, but as a parent it just doesn't make sense to me to leave her with someone who will probably wake her up just to play with her and who doesn't know what she needs.
MIL is welcome to come over anytime and see her, I actually like my MIL, I just feel very pushed and pressured into giving my baby over and giving her more responsibility with her than I'm ready for.
I don't know how to explain this to my MIL or my FI without it looking like I just dont want her around my daughter. And thats not it, I'm just not at a point where I'm comfortable leaving her AT ALL, and my MIL has been very pushy about watching her and us being over there.
If she wants to come over here one day during the week and help out with dd and learn how to take care of her and know what she needs, she's more than welcome to do that. But she hasn't offered or asked, so.. I dont know how else I'd become comfortable with that
Sorry, that was long, it's just really stressful having all that pressure and feeling like people resent me for my choices. Am I wrong???
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Help! MIL issues: LONG
I have underlying issues with my MIL, but I know she loves DS.
She's crazy enough to the point where she literally painted and set up a nursery. I'm serious... oh, we don't even live in town. Funny, right? Yeah.
You're right. Your DH is doing the right thing by letting you call the shots, so call them. Stick to what you're comfortable with and don't budge for someone else's "opinion" as to what you should be doing. Not their child, not their choice.
Well it does seem like there is some favoritism towards your mom, which I understand. However, think about this from your husband's side. How would you feel if he said he didn't trust your mom to watch her ? Or imagine if you had a son and his wife didn't want you to watch your grandchild because she only had known you for a few years and didn't trust you.
I get that your DD is young and you don't trust her yet, trust me I get that. I also understand your frustration with your MIL trying to wake her up. That is frustrating and annoying and I would nip that in the bud.
However, I think the best way to build trust with your MIL is to let her watch the baby. Not now of course, she is too young, but I would baby step into it. Let her watch the baby for an hour here and there and if all works out, slowly build up time with her. Then maybe in a year or two, you will feel comfortably leaving the baby with your MIL overnight.
Your FI needs to nut up and handle his mom. Set boundaries now, or it will only get worse. It's not that hard for him to say "mom, when the baby is sleeping, we are not going to wake her up for you to see her. She needs sleep." or, "mom, WE aren't comfortable leaving the baby right now. We can discu. ss her staying with you guys in the future, WE will let you know."
Key word in both scenarios is WE. Put up a united front or you will seem like the bad guy.
I second this. I grew up spending the night at my grandmas house and its some of my favorite memories, and from your post it doesn't seam like your MIL is that bad of a person, I mean she raised the man you love right.
This. OP you need to take a step back. Your MIL loves your baby and wants to interact with her. That is a wonderful thing, not something to get mad about.
This. This to a tee.
These. And you say she hasn't asked or offered to come over to learn how to take care of your DD, but have you invited her? You need to give er a break and show her the way. Clearly she's excited andthats a great ting. You and your SO need to work together to find something that works for your family.
I understand this and I appreciate the view, I will try to be a little less overbearing.
But a lot of this comes from the way I've seen her take care of dd's cousin. I spent a whole year before dd was born watching how she was with him.
And so, there are things that concern me. One time she gave dd's cousin pizza thinking he'd had it before but when my BIL came to get him he told her he'd never had that before and they weren't giving him food s like that yet. She didn't ask before she gave it to him. One time she gave him an ice cream sandwich. I'm not sure why a baby thats about 6 mos needs an ice cream sandwich.. and I'm worried about what she'll feed my daughter if we're not there. I'm lactose intolerant, it didn't come on til later in life for me but I have cousins who are allergic to strawberries, gluten, and who are lactose intolerant and theyre 12 or under. So it's a real worry factor. And I've seen her first hand not ask before giving those things to a baby.
It's not that I'm prejudice against her or just coming up with worries out of imaginary "what if" situations. I'm worried about things I've seen her do previously. Even things her son has told her they dont do.
I have let her know she can come over, but she has to work with us a little because we live in a one bedroom apartment and FI works nights and days so there are times where he needs his sleep and its not a good day for us. But she doesn't seem to want to give up her time off one day in favor of him getting rest another day. Also, I can't even have my mom over all the time. I need space. People always want to come see baby and there are times when I have to say no cause it's too much. I've never done that to her, I've always said yes.
Another issue with inviting her over is even if i say just her, or just her and her bf. She still ends up bringing or trying to bring her youngest kids. I have nothing against them, but when we say just two and we end up with four people, it gets irritating to not be listened to. These are the kind of pushy things she does.
Tomorrow, or today i guess, is supposed to be her day off. So we'll see what she does. I can't invite her over because that's up to FI since he's working til 9am and then again at 5pm, so that's he's sleeping time. If she asked FI would probably let her, but he won't invite people over when he only has 8 hours in which to sleep, shower, eat, and see dd.
Yeah, I have some underlying issues with her as well. And I know, like you, that she loves dd a lot and that's what it is, but it doesn't stop me from having fears.
All her kids have a different dad and none of them are involved in their lives. FI doesn't even know his dad. And she won't help him find him either, even though she sometimes says she will.
She's a little all over the place sometimes, and while I don't think that has anything to do with how good of a person she is, it does make me take a step back and wonder, cause she has five kids..
I do think that PPs have a point and that I should calm down a little and try to be more open and release my hold on dd around her some, but I also am not used to how much she wants to see her. Once a week seems like a lot to me. My fathers parents who were very involved with my siblings and I as children live on the east coast, so when we moved to CA obviously we ended up only seeing them every couple years. My mom's parents who live in town we hardly ever saw because my grandpa worked a lot, and my grandma, idk, has issues. Which is why my mother would watch Cora anytime I asked her, because my grandma almost never watched/spent time with us. So, again, I'm not used to this frequent visiting, and the idea is a little foreign to me, but I do want my daughter to have that so I'm trying to get used to it.
And yes your MIL is a little over excited if you don't even live in town lol
I can relate to your situation, a lot actually. My dad's biological parents have...issues. Neither one of them love me (and have actually told me so, to my face), so needless to say, I wasn't spending a whole lot of time sleeping over at their homes as a child. My ILs (even DH's aunts and grandmothers) showed more excitement and generosity towards unborn DS than my grandparents have shown me in 22 years. So, I was overwhelmed, a lot. Especially when my ILs started volunteering to baby sit him when we're in town (DH is Army and we live in KS, they all live on the east coast for the most part), wanted him to spend the night.
I had to step back and just look at it as: ok, they're excited, but that doesn't mean there aren't healthy boundaries.
DH and I talked it through and decided a few immediate boundaries: 1. DS would spend the night if we felt comfortable about leaving him overnight, but not before a year old. 2. They're more than welcome to help take care of him/play with him when DS and I are home in June, but DH's grandmother who can barely take care of herself? Yeah, she's not allowed to baby sit him by herself, so I asked my bff to watch him during our siblings' high school graduations (that way no one would get hurt about my mom watching DS but not my MIL or the other way around, it seemed the most fair, and since MIL works, she wouldn't be able to watch him, but still hurt that she couldn't, go figure).
Set some boundaries as "we," not as "Monica." Talk to FI and say that you're not comfortable with anyone watching her overnight (unless it's an emergency, since that's the vibe I've gotten from your posts) and would like to show her what DD needs in terms of care before you let her watch her during the day. And start to get your MIL involved with taking care of DD while you're there with both of them, it'll help make you comfortable with them watching her. It helped me a lot to let my ILs help with DS while they were here.
Once a week doesn't sound too bad, maybe every couple weeks you and DD could meet her at a restaurant in the mall and have lunch or something and then kind of window shop instead of going to her house/them coming to yours? Then if extra people come with her, it's her problem to deal with, not as much yours really (since you don't have to feed them). I know my ILs would want to see DS 3+ times a week if we lived in town, which would be great for DS, but would definitely be an adjustment for me given my dad's parents, but it would be great for him to get to see his grandparents (now, we'd have to make sure both our parents got the same amount of time, so that would be...an interesting conundrum between everyone working and my grad school).
that was very helpful, thank you.
I will try some of those things snd have a talk with FI