Late loss and recurrent loss (TTC mentioned)

jess123456

Hi ladies,

I believe there are others of you who like me have experienced late loss in addition to recurrent pregnancy loss.  Wondering what keeps you going? I don't have any living children and to be honest I am starting to feel pretty hopeless that I will ever get my rainbow baby which I know is pretty dark because I know hope is something that I should cling to.

We experienced two miscarriages before losing our baby girl this fall and started our journey about three years ago which I know is less than others but still difficult. My RE hasn't given me any reason to think that we can't have a living child but being pushed down over and over again takes a toll and I am not sure if my heart can take any more.

The other day I was talking to my younger sister who hasn't experienced this type of loss and has one healthy child and she mentioned "we will have another child" but that she would let me know when she is thinking about having another child so I can be prepared for it. I do appreciate that but I guess what struck me with that conversation is the fact that she feels confident that she "will" have another child. I am so happy for her that she feels this way and I guess based on what I have been through I understandably can't be certain about this for myself but this statement has really stayed with me.

It really irks me when I hear people who have never experienced a loss and don't have any children yet say things like "we will have three children" when I am struggling just to have one living child and have three beautiful angels in Heaven. I hate that I am so bitter about all of this but I just feel so stuck. 

My husband and I have decided that we will try again in April. We are understandably scared out of minds but we want so badly to have a living child that we have decided to take the leap again.  We aren't at the point where we are considering adoption or other ways of having a child but perhaps that is something that we should start talking about? I guess it shows that we aren't ready to give up hope on us conceiving a living child?

Sorry for the downer post but I guess I am looking to hear from others who have been in this situation or are currently as well. 

Thanks as always. 

Carolee

I'm on my phone but will reply later. I have a lot to say about this.

fluttergirlmoonchild79

Hey sweetie.  I'm sorry you're feeling so down and feeling like things are hopeless.  I've been having these feelings a lot lately.  I can't help but think "what if Corbin was my only shot at being a mom?"  I'm really starting to hate the bitterness that comes along with this grief journey.  We had really wonderful friends of ours tell us over the weekend that they're expecting #2 - which is wonderful news.  Seriously.  Their 1st was born way early (23w4d) and was in the NICU for 202 days and has a lot of medical issues.  They also have fertility issues and got pregnant on their own this time.  I'm honestly very happy for them but as soon as we left I broke down.  DH said "what?  are we just not supposed to be happy for anyone who has anything good happen in their lives because we don't?"  I hate it when people say things like "we're going to have X number of children and it's going to be an x, and an x and an x and they're going to be x number of years apart."  I think that all comes from so many people are naive and we no longer are and it kind of sucks. 

{{HUGS}}

jess123456

Hi Carolee,

Thanks so much! I really look forward to your reply. I just re-read what I wrote and boy it is dark. It feels good to get it out though.

Bayberry12

Jess,  I am in a similar situation as you; early losses and a full term loss.  I also have no living children. 

It really is hard to find hope and at this point, I really struggle to believe that I will ever have a living child.  Loss after loss is like constantly getting knocked down, and it does feel like you are stuck.  Sometimes, I don't even think of TTC again as something to look forward to, since for me, pregnancy does not equal a baby.  Pregnancy is stress and tests and heartbreak over and over again.  

Like you DH and I want a family, we want to be parents to living children.  Given all we have been through, I think its only normal to have such fears and we can't really see the other side, the side with a positive outcome, because we have lost so much.  

I don't know for sure if I will have a living child, but I'm not ready to give up yet.  Even though it scares the hell out of me.  We haven't considered adoption yet, but I have been reading about it.  I don't know how we could afford adoption.  And everything that comes along with adoption is whole other set of risks. 

I am also interested to hear how others have held on to hope when it seems there is none.

Bayberry12

fluttergirlmoonchild79:

 I've been having these feelings a lot lately.  I can't help but think "what if Corbin was my only shot at being a mom?"  I'm really starting to hate the bitterness that comes along with this grief journey.  

I have been thinking the same things, especially as the months keep going by.  It sucks. 

Heatherhah

My situation is different than yours as I had a 14 yr old when I experienced my first m/c then went on to have my DD1 and then another m/c then lost DD2 and then just this year had my rainbow. My advice if you chose to use it is NEVER give up hope!! Even if they say you can't there is always a way to have a baby. Just try to stay positive believe me I knwo times are dark mine were as dark as they could get after we lost Sydney and even while being pregnant with our rainbow I never thought she would live and that is so hard to think that way but it is our reality now since we have all lost babies. Our reality is so differen than innocent naive ladies who haven't had a m/c or lost a child like we have.

You will find happiness and I do believe that if you stay positive it can help you achieve great things. Wow I am really positive today I suppose it is a better day in my mind today.

Please ignore the things people say!! I should have listened to that advice months and months ago because I was told having my rainbow will make it all better well that isn't true at all.  People say things that aren't appropriate to make themselves feel better that is all. They don't always know how to deal with folks like us.

Good luck and huge hugs!!

Heather

Carolee

I've had 5 losses - 2 chemical pregnancies, Eliott at 37 weeks, and then 2 miscarriages.  After losing Eliott, I pushed for testing and we started with an RE.  We did 4 medicated IUIs, one medicated TI cycle, and 1 IVF, and prior to starting with the RE, I did 4 Clomid cycles.  After our IVF cycle, we were told we had less than a 1% chance of conceiving on our own, and only about a 15-20% chance with IVF (normally about 40-50%).  After the IVF, I hit my low.  I had NO hope.  I really felt like there was no chance that I would have a living child.  We started TTC in December of 2008, and by that point it had been 3 years and I'd lost 5 babies.  I honestly was at the point where I didn't know what to do - DH didn't want to adopt and wasn't open to discussing donor egg/sperm or donor embryo.  Looking back, I'm sure I was depressed.  A friend told me that IF patients have depression that is similar to cancer patients, and I really felt like I was in the depths.  Seeing your friends have multiple children with no issues while you're stuck is like a knife in the gut.

I can't explain why, but there was some small part of me that was determined to keep going.  I knew the odds were stacked against us, but for some reason I felt like we had to keep trying.  TTC had consumed our lives for so long, it was like we had forgotten how to live without it.

I understand why you're irritated when people say things like that...I wish it were that easy for some of us. The thing is to - the people who say things like that DO go on to get pregnant easily/have healthy babies. Maybe I'm bitter, but that's how my world seems to work. I wish I could be that innocent, or maybe naive.

****PG/TTC mentioned***

I know that IF/multiple losses have scarred me.  I was not able to enjoy being pregnant at all because I felt like it would all be ripped away from me again.  DH and I had already decided that if we were blessed with one living child, we would not pursue further IF treatments.  I am scared to death about trying for another child (even though we're not there yet) because of all we went through just trying to have this child.  Like you said, there's that feeling of wanting a child so much that you're willing to try again and put your heart on the line, even at the risk of hurt. 

Sending (((HUGS))) to you.

Helmet3311

I had DD in 2011 and have had two losses in the last year (a natural MC at 6w and a loss due to a terminal diagnosis at 18w6d).    I used to be one of those "I will have three kids" kind of people.  At this point, DH and I plan to try for one more.  If we're blessed with a second, we'll discuss whether we can do it another time.   I will say that after these two losses, I have become more comfortable with the idea that we may only have one kid.  Those just may be our cards.  I can't give up TTC yet.  It's just been a hard year for my body and TTC.

kikibelle

Thank you for bringing this up, Jess. I am generally able to stay optimistic that we'll still be able to have the 3 children we want (I turn 30 this weekend), but I do have dark days when I fear that Julian was our only chance, or that we will find out that we have a serious fertility problem. It was hard for us to get pregnant with him, and we've been having trouble conceiving again. (Our first appointment with an RE is next week.) It's just such a hard, long road that none of us thought we would have to travel. If the universe was fair, none of us late loss mommies would have to deal with any more losses or trouble TTC of any kind.

jess123456

Thanks ladies! This has certainly been a long road and I am so sorry that so many of you had had similar experiences.

Being pushed down again and again has certainly taken its toll and today was a really tough day but reading your supportive comments and knowing that I am not alone in feeling this way is comforting.

I guess what I have to keep remembering is that I am still standing even if my heart is broken and that even though my road has been dark and long I have no reason to give up hope. I think that what I have learned from this experience is my ability to love and my ability to be grateful for even the smallest things.