One year in...I'm tired of AP'ing...vent

Izybel18

DD is turning 1 on Saturday. We've been pretty AP from the beginning, but I guess I thought by now that some of it would be less necessary. I have to wear her or hold her for both naps, and we bedshare at night. She absolutely cannot fall asleep (and often can't stay asleep) without someone holding or cuddling her, which means I basically have to go to bed when she does. If I try to get up and leave the room, she wakes up. If I try to lay her down during a nap, she wakes up.

The last week we've both been sick and she's been teething. I haven't put her down in almost that whole time, she just wants to be held. Last night I tried to wash dishes and have DH play with her, but she had a complete meltdown until I could hold her. She does fine with DH if I'm not home, but if I'm here, she wants me constantly.

Maybe I'm just burned out from the last week, but a lot of non-AP ideas are sounding more and more appealing these days. I'm jealous of the moms who can just walk into the nursery and plop their babies into a crib and walk out. DH is starting to express concerns about her socialization and being more independent, and I honestly don't know what is fair to expect from her.

Not sure what I'm looking for here except maybe some advice on expectations and boundaries as we enter her toddler years. It was one thing to respond to her constantly when she was a helpless newborn, and all her wants equaled needs, but I'm having a hard time now that she's older. TIA!

lovelynicole27

It can be totally exausting and frustrating believe me.I am here to tell you that it is normal.Each parent has their own parenting style.For the most part there is no right or wrong.I feel that your baby constantly wanting your attention is a sign of a close bond.You are doing something right.My daughter was exactly the same way.She is now 17 months and still is a big mamas girl.She perfers me over my husband as well.She became more independant around 15 months and now I get hours at a time without holding her.You will see each month after her first birthday she will become more and more independant.Good luck!Stay strong!Make time for you.Remember,this wont last long.Enjoy the cuddle time while you can.Oh,btw my daughter was in the bed with us for half the night until about 3 months ago.Do you breastfeed?I did alot of time babies are very clinginy and attatched.Once I started her on cows milk she started staying in the crib all night.Good Luck!!!!!

sugarbear0524

Maybe try to increase her independence by enrolling her in a Children's Day Out type of program a couple of days a week.  My DS really blossomed in this type of environment--got better with a sippy cup, eating table food better, etc.

TiffanyBerry

I will respond more later, but I don't think I'll have time until tonight.

Really quick though, I think what you're finding is not the tiresomeness of AP, but of the needs (versus your expectations) of your daughter's personality.  I had a high needs baby too, and it would have been *worse* without using AP, I'm quite sure. 

But she is only one year old.  She's been alive all of 52 weeks (give or take, I can't see the ticker right now).   It's REALLY easy to put higher expectations on her because she's mobile, and maybe communicative.  But she's still really a baby, and it can be super helpful to remember that (hard as it is).

If you had a baby that could just plop their baby in a crib, you'd be able to get up after your little one fell asleep.  From this post, I highly doubt that you would have had one of those kids you want.

And, also from experience, I would imagine that a lot of this is burnout.  I know I feel it during stressful times, and those over-the-top times like illness.

KateLouise

I agree that some babies are high needs. DD2 is definitely more clingy than DD1 was.

I also agree that at 1 there's still so much going on for them.

Having said that, things aren't working for you, so there's no shame in making changes. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

As a survival strategy if your LO really won't let you put her down and you can't get things done, have you tried a carrier. I find DD2 really enjoys being worn, and I don't even have to wear her the whole time. Sometimes just a few minutes of being worn when she's freaking out seems to help her resettle, and then she's wriggling to get down.

kcisthebombdotcom

We raised both my kids with AP principals and my DD was always one of those kids we could just plop in a crib and walk out since birth where my DS was one of those kids who still needed to be held to sleep at 1 (didn't end until closer to 2). It's likely more your child's temperament vs your parenting style.

If bedsharing/wearing her to nap isn't working for you, there are ways that you can encourage independent sleep without leaving her to cry it out. At 1, I don't think it's a terrible idea to encourage socialization with other kids/some independence from you. We are members of the Y and my kids play there while I work out. Is doing something like that an option for you? It gives you time to be alone (and work out which is great for your health), your DD learns to separate from you for short periods and gets to play with other kids. A win/win. It's likely going to take a good few weeks of practice before you're able to leave (and there may be tears involved) but it will help with the burnout you're experiencing.

You can practice independence at home too. Set her up with some toys, tell her that you have to go but you'll come back. Start small (even just a minute is good) then work your way up to longer periods of time. With practice she will learn and there's nothing non-AP about encouraging independent play.

GL!

ghl

Ap is not a one size fits every baby. Every parent needs to figure out what works for them as a family, set realistic expectations based on their own experiences and their children's temperament, and pick and choose the parts that help the family as a whole be happy. I BFed, I wore DS, but cosleeping was impossible for us. NO ONE slept well when cosleeping so we nixed it. At 15 months, we did a milder form of sleep training - we didn't go CIO extinction, but DS needed to learn that while we will respond to necessities no matter what time of day or night it is, be it hunger, discomfort, soiled diaper, illness, etc, the want of entertainment and playtime at 2am is not a necessity. I would say we were still very family-centric and did everything we could to establish a close bond w/ DS and focus on his needs, but we also had to balance keeping all of us healthy, able to be safe and productive, and happy. A tired out mom who can't drive safely isn't any good for her baby. A stressed mom who is overwhelmed and burned out isn't good either.  If certain things aren't working for you, don't feel guilty about changing them.

It sounds like maybe your baby is having anxiety over object permanence -  she hasn't learned yet that out of sight doesn't mean gone forever. That's something that you may be able to work on with her, putting her somewhere safe like her room w/ a toy, stepping away for a moment, and coming back. Another possibility is that she needs constant stimulation/interaction which DS wanted as well. He wasn't picky about who was giving attention, thankfully but he needed constant activity or he'd get bored and crabby quickly. He socialized just fine but weekends at home with just us would get challenging. The only thing we could do to cope w/ that was plan some activities that were extra physically active to wear him out to the point where he would finally nap - swim class in winter, bounce places, run around the yard, playground, etc. He eventually learned to entertain himself better when he was about 2 with being able to play w/ toys independently, but I honestly don't remember how other than just for us to keep trying and introducing different kinds of toys. What finally captured his fascination long enough to override the need for mom or dad to play with him was his train table.

nosoup4u

12 months is hard! With both my kids, the grind of having a baby just gets to you at that point. They don't sleep that well, you're waiting for them to suddenly be a toddler, etc. etc. Definitely a tiring time.

Can you have her sleep on a mattress, so you can try to sneak off after she's asleep? That worked with both my kids, though it took DS1 wasn't as easy to sneak away from. Can you DH give you a break so you can get out of the house/away from the baby? Can he do bedtimes? I agree with everyone else, if it's not working, change things up. Jay Gordan's and Kim West (Sleep Lady Shuffle) both have gentle nighttime/sleeping advice. hth and hang in there!

Izybel18

melpatbat:

I just wanted to add that between 11-13 months so much was changing with our son I was seriously considering not having anymore children. 

This is how I'm feeling right now! I'm at least thinking of delaying another one for longer than I originally thought.

Thank you to everyone for your thoughtful responses, I really appreciate the encouragement. DD has been walking since 8 1/2 months, so I think I probably lost sight of just how young she really is still. 

I honestly don't mind bedsharing overnight, as DD still nurses at least once. I just wish I could set her down and come back later (this applies for naps too, I guess). I also wish I could make dinner without her grabbing onto my pant legs, but I will try the Ergo for these situations. I usually only use it for naps, but awake time wouldn't be so bad either. 

We've tried a few short times away (church nursery, moms groups) but they don't go very well. Only if she's with family (who all live an hour away at least) does she do okay. I don't want to push her too much, but DH wants to make sure we're providing opportunities for her to stretch herself.

I think mostly I'm burned out from illness and neither of us leaving the house for a week. I'll try to remember how quickly this passes and give DD a break. She's just a little baby and I'm the adult haha. Thanks everyone!

potbellypig

We practiced AP for about 7 months (midwife water birth, co-sleeping, baby-wearing, breastfeeding). It worked well for us at first and it helped us bond with DD. Co-sleeping turned a little crazy when she went through a phase of wanting to crawl around the bed and not just being nursed or snuggled to sleep. Breastfeeding got annoying because she didn't really want to stay with anyone else for long periods of time (even with DH).

I went through the exact same feelings as you at the time DD turned 7 months (I also went back to work at this time). I needed to be able to leave the house whenever I could to go relax with friends or by myself without being called home to breastfeed (I did pump but she didn't take the bottle well).

What ended up happening is that I sleep-trained (which involved some CIO, never more than 5 or 10 minutes at a time and gradually moving her from our bed to her room) and weaned her (which involved starting formula and using a soother at night). We still wear her when we feel she needs it or instead of using the stroller for walks.

I don't regret ending co-sleeping/encouraging DD to SSTN as I needed better sleep, and if DD is sick or upset we bring her into bed with us and I feel that this meets her needs. I don't necessarily "regret" weaning because formula does give me a greater sense of freedom, but I have to say that overall I wish I would have seen that through for longer. My sister who has a DD the same age as mine (12 months) still BFs and she only has to do it 3 times a day because aroudn 10 months she started scheduling feedings to encourage her period to come back (for what it's worth her DD SSTN in her own crib now).

My suggestion to you is that if you are feeling frustrated with aspects of AP it is OK to let some of them go, but I wouldn't give up all together. If you need sleep, maybe you can transition to different sleeping methods (The No-Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley was really helpful). If you need "freedom" you could try weaning or scheduling feedings. But I wouldn't do what I did and change everything over the course of one month because of momentary frustration, you may end up regretting some changes (ie how I feel about breastfeeding).

In the end it was helpful for me to remember that AP is a philosophy of attachment and although physical aspects are important (baby-wearing, BF, co-sleeping) you can't really be "AP" if you're so tired or worn out that you snap at your baby during the day or resent them. I knew that I needed to give myself a bit of a break when DD was 7 months so that I would be able to be AP as she grows up and with my other future children, and I still consider myself as leaning to AP with care, discipline and how I treat DD.

I hope that makes sense, sorry to ramble 

erbear

SouthSideDrea:

If it's not working for you then it's not working. AP can be different things to different people. We believe in AP but nobody got any sleep when we were cosleeping so we stopped. All of us slep better, DS included with him in his room.

As for the clingy-ness, at 1 they are doing a whole lot of changing and learnign and a part of that is having a soft place to land. They are teething, learning to walk, and talk. They can develop some separation anxiety or just be overwhelmed and overstimulated.

For us, 1 was still really a baby phase in our house, we didn't really get into toddler phase untl more like 18 months. Our son naturally started showing more independence. You might just be right on the brink. At this age they are changing so much and so fast.

Yes. All of this. I don't think you need to feel like you have to stick with AP or your baby is doomed. You don't.