Agreement on decisions

MrsS81112

DH and I are having a hard time coming to an agreement with decisions for SS (he's 7).  My PP mentioned the lying problem we were having with him, we came to an agreement to take him to counseling (that agreement was no problem). We went last week and it seems to be a HUGE answer.  The counselor seems to think she will be able to teach him strategies to help him so that lying is not impulsive.  She also thinks that he picked his lying skills (yes, by the sounds of it, he's a professional.  She says he's lying approximately 15 out of 20 situations a day) from his BM.  So another THANK GOODNESS we now have full custody.

The battle DH and I are having now, well we have been having for the 3 years I have been living with them is coming to an agreement with decisions.  SS will come to me and ask for permission to do something.  If I say, "No..provided by the reason" DH will jump in and say, "Yes, you can".  DH and I tried talking about it before and he says, he just feels bad and when I tell his son no it's like a personal attack on him.
We've had this problem with too much video game time, TV time, playing (he never wants to play -- so if he has too much TV time I ask him to go find something to play with, leggos, cars, etc.  DH will say, "Don't worry about it bud, you can watch TV".   

Another example, tonight SS asked me 10 minutes before bed for a snack, I said, "Well..your bedtime is in 10 minutes.." and DH jumped in and said, "Just come here, you can have a cookie".  I wasn't pleased that DH jumped in the conversation, that it wasn't discussed about, or that he could have gave him some veggies, a cheesestick, a yogurt, but instead he gave him a cookie!" 

 That's just one example, there are so many times this happens in our house.  It frustrates me.  I spend the majority of the time with SS since I'm a teacher and my schedules close to his school schedule.  When DH is around he doesn't discuss anything with him, he just overpowers me.  I'm worried this is teaching SS that DH is more "powerful than I am" and that he doesn't need to listen to me.  

Any advice on what works for you and your significant other to discuss things before coming to an answer?   Or what you do in situations like this?

Sorry for the long rant. 

Littlejen22

For three years your DH has decided that your opinion does not matter. You have to either tell the kid to ask Dad 100 of the time, accept the fact that your opinion does not matter or give an ultimatum. How long have you been married?

FutureMrsWittig

You need to tell your H that if he isn't going to allow you to be a parent all the time, then you're going to be a parent never.  You shouldn't pick the kid up from school, wash his clothes, or take him to appointments.

If doing those things is all your H expects you to do, then you are a baby-sitter, not a spouse or a co-parent, and you should be getting paid!

awesomenus1341

FutureMrsWittig:

You need to tell your H that if he isn't going to allow you to be a parent all the time, then you're going to be a parent never.  You shouldn't pick the kid up from school, wash his clothes, or take him to appointments.

If doing those things is all your H expects you to do, then you are a baby-sitter, not a spouse or a co-parent, and you should be getting paid!

 

This. DH and I had a similar conversation when our CO was being worked out and SS was finally coming to our place on a regular basis. We sat down and discussed what was ok and what wasn't, how consequences would be handled, bedtimes, etc. because I told him that I would not be undermined on every decision, yet still play the parent role on everything he didn't want to do (laundry, meals, etc.). Not to say that on nights that I work and DH is left on his own to put SS to bed that things aren't a lot more relaxed. I explain my reasoning though, ("when ss goes to bed at 9:30pm, he is grumpy the next day, and then everyone is in a bad mood" for example). DH doesn't always do what I would do, but we do have an agreement on the major stuff. When in doubt, we usually talk to each other first, and we make a big deal out of routines, DH just has a really hard time telling SS no.

MrsS81112

Thank you ladies.  PP, we have been married for 6 months now.  We have been living together for 3 years though.

I have threatened the, "If I'm only good enough to get SS ready for school, picked up after school, cook dinner, etc. and not good enough for coming to decisions then I'm done doing the other things!"  I have felt at times like a "Nanny", not a mom when this happens.  

DH gets upset when I threaten that and it always makes me wonder if I'm acting childish?  It's nice to hear that others agree with that though. 

 DH has the issue with telling SS, "No", as well and that's why we come to these disagreements.  It used to be so bad that SS (when he was younger -- 4-5), was thinking that I was his equal.  He would say things like, "But dad, she's eating one, why can't I?" Or ask his dad for permission for ME to do things!  So that's when DH and I came to the conclusion, I needed to take part in decisions, rules, etc. so that he can see that I am his parent, not his equal.

This has helped tremendously, until we come to a disagreement.  Then SS hears his dad overpower my decisions without any discussion.  I usually try to explain my reasoning to the decisions I make so DH understands.  For example, if SS and DH are watching a movie and there's 20 minutes left, but he's already 20 minutes late to bedtime.  I say to DH, "I have to get him up in the morning and if he's any later to bed, he will be grumpy about waking up.  You both can finish the movie tomorrow."  If DH complains about it, "What does an extra 20 minutes hurt?"  I then say, "Well you can stay home from work tomorrow and get him ready before and after school".   

That's a great idea bringing it up to the counselor, we go again in 2 weeks.  

FutureMrsWittig

MrsS81112:

DH gets upset when I threaten that and it always makes me wonder if I'm acting childish?  It's nice to hear that others agree with that though. 

  

You're not being childish, your H is.  He can't stand up to a little kid and he's not doing right by his wife either.  Don't threaten anymore.  Do.  The next time he undermines you in front of SS, just stop doing anything.  When he asks what your problem is, that's your in to have a real discussion.  Don't give in.  You're not in the wrong.

2chatter

I stepped back totally when that continued to happen in my life (it did not happen while we dated or during our engagement.  It started when BM increased the crazy and skids increased the drama).  I think just going with the flow was DH's coping mechanism.  He would even voice that he did not want "all of his time with his kids to be adversarial".  So he pretty much allowed, well, anything.  xbox for 16 hours straight, including meals?  Yes.  TV volume cranked up to 18 in the family living room?  Yes.  Don't want to eat what's for dinner and want me to make you a full additional meal (pizza and mac and cheese)?  Yes.

That did not fly with me, as there are three additional children who live in this home full time.  So I stopped voicing my opinion and stopped responding when skids asked me for anything "please ask your Dad".  And I commentated as appropriate when these things happened.  "You get 30 minutes with your DS, I set the timer.  After that let's read, we are not playing video games all day" or "We will all eat what is for dinner.  It is healthy and good for you.  Don't worry about the bad choices anyone else makes".

Slowly DH started to come around because it was as if there were two families in our home (there were, and still are.  very little blending here).  DH refused to enforce even the simplest rules for skids much of the time (guilt, BM drama, skid drama) but rocks the three other children as a parent.  He has had honest conversations with the girls about how he parents and what he expects of them.  I have had honest conversations with him about what impact his not parenting skids has on how I view him.  His tolerance for BS, playing both ends against the middle and drama has dropped to almost nothing, and he enforces house rules for all kids (very basic things, like throw your trash in the trash can, not on the floor).  Skids now choose not to come see thier Dad very often.

In your situation, what motivates your DH if you have custody?  Is this a parenting difference?  Is it that he wants SS to like him?  Does he feel guilty about all SS is dealing with? 

supermansmommy

So happy you got your SS into therapy. The next step is you and your husband going to therapy to work on your cooperative parenting strategy. What he's doing is undermining your authority. Given your current situation with your SS, this could undo a lot of the good SS's therapy is going to do for him. He needs consistency at home to reinforce the skills he's learning there.

fellesferie

I'll start out by saying that DH and I are generally on the same page with parenting. We don't agree 100% of the time, but we also don't have diametrically opposed views. 

But even if we disagree, we never do it in front of the kids. If MH says no--and even if I think he's being too hard--then my answer is no, too. Anything else is hashed out later in private.

Your husband is intentionally undermining you, and it's completely unacceptable. In your shoes, I think I'd just stop parenting your SS. And that means everything--if he will not let you have any say, then I would stop doing everything. I'd also insist on counseling before having any of your own kids with him.  

FutureMrsWittig

fellesferie:

But even if we disagree, we never do it in front of the kids. If MH says no--and even if I think he's being too hard--then my answer is no, too. Anything else is hashed out later in private.

This is the best advice, bar none, that I ever got about parenting.  United we stand, divided we fall.

MrsS81112

2chatter:

I stepped back totally when that continued to happen in my life (it did not happen while we dated or during our engagement.  It started when BM increased the crazy and skids increased the drama).  I think just going with the flow was DH's coping mechanism.  He would even voice that he did not want "all of his time with his kids to be adversarial".  So he pretty much allowed, well, anything.  xbox for 16 hours straight, including meals?  Yes.  TV volume cranked up to 18 in the family living room?  Yes.  Don't want to eat what's for dinner and want me to make you a full additional meal (pizza and mac and cheese)?  Yes.

That did not fly with me, as there are three additional children who live in this home full time.  So I stopped voicing my opinion and stopped responding when skids asked me for anything "please ask your Dad".  And I commentated as appropriate when these things happened.  "You get 30 minutes with your DS, I set the timer.  After that let's read, we are not playing video games all day" or "We will all eat what is for dinner.  It is healthy and good for you.  Don't worry about the bad choices anyone else makes".

Slowly DH started to come around because it was as if there were two families in our home (there were, and still are.  very little blending here).  DH refused to enforce even the simplest rules for skids much of the time (guilt, BM drama, skid drama) but rocks the three other children as a parent.  He has had honest conversations with the girls about how he parents and what he expects of them.  I have had honest conversations with him about what impact his not parenting skids has on how I view him.  His tolerance for BS, playing both ends against the middle and drama has dropped to almost nothing, and he enforces house rules for all kids (very basic things, like throw your trash in the trash can, not on the floor).  Skids now choose not to come see thier Dad very often.

In your situation, what motivates your DH if you have custody?  Is this a parenting difference?  Is it that he wants SS to like him?  Does he feel guilty about all SS is dealing with? 

 

Our parenting difference is huge!  Which is why (even though I am ready to have children), I know we are not and am waiting until these issues get resolved.  When I met DH, SS was 4 years old and was completely addicted to video games, he was a single father and worked a lot.  I feel that he would let SS play video games just to be able to relax after work.  (BM is an alcholic, drug addict, and would see him only every other weekend).  After I moved in I discussed my concerns with him playing video games so much and we made changes as a family, especially after SS started Kindergarten.  We limited video game time, set a bed time 8pm, and encouraged play.  (SS was use to playing with his father all the time as well, so even today, he will NOT play by himself).  Any advice with that topic would be appreciates too since he's an only child.  We even geared Christmas presents toward him playing by himself.  So whenever DH and I are cooking dinner for instance, he could go play.  He refuses to though.  

 I do think DH feels guilty about what SS has been through with his BM.  He hasn't seen her in over a year though and we have full custody.  I just really want to be able to provide SS with consistency.  I know whenever situations arise when DH overpowers me.  SS has a confused look, like he doesn't know who to listen to.  It's really sad.

I'm going to start doing what you ladies have advised.  I REALLY appreciate all of your advice.  It's hard when your the only blended family, in your family.  Nobody ever seems to understand.  It's nice to be able to chat on here to get some advice.

MrsS81112

FutureMrsWittig:

fellesferie:

But even if we disagree, we never do it in front of the kids. If MH says no--and even if I think he's being too hard--then my answer is no, too. Anything else is hashed out later in private.

This is the best advice, bar none, that I ever got about parenting.  United we stand, divided we fall.

 

Thanks girls!  What a great quote to parent by! 

CFjo2010

fellesferie:

I'll start out by saying that DH and I are generally on the same page with parenting. We don't agree 100 of the time, but we also don't have diametrically opposed views.nbsp;But even if we disagree, we never do it in front of the kids. If MH says noand even if I think he's being too hardthen my answer is no, too. Anything else is hashed out later in private. Your husband is intentionally undermining you, and it's completely unacceptable. In your shoes, I think I'd just stop parenting your SS. And that means everythingif he will not let you have any say, then I would stop doing everything. I'd also insist on counseling before having any of your own kids with him. nbsp;

All of this. If your opinions don't matter and aren't taken into consideration, then you aren't being treated as an equal partner. So if you're not an equal partner, don't do your husband's job. There's a difference between parenting and being the nanny. If picking up SS means your husband has to leave work, so be it. It's not ok for you to be a parent only when your husband decides to "let" you.

danac2010

I could have written this post.  It has been a big problem in our marriage.  I really hope you H is a more open to working with you because MH throws me under the bus with SD and will go against me with SD.  I have told him I'm done and he has had to step up more and it's caused even more issues.  GL!  

Phantomgirl

fellesferie:

I'll start out by saying that DH and I are generally on the same page with parenting. We don't agree 100% of the time, but we also don't have diametrically opposed views. 

But even if we disagree, we never do it in front of the kids. If MH says no--and even if I think he's being too hard--then my answer is no, too. Anything else is hashed out later in private.

Your husband is intentionally undermining you, and it's completely unacceptable. In your shoes, I think I'd just stop parenting your SS. And that means everything--if he will not let you have any say, then I would stop doing everything. I'd also insist on counseling before having any of your own kids with him.  

This.

There are times that my DH will say no that I don't agree with but I would never undermine him like that.

I did it accidently around Christmas time and he was really mad about it.  SS tore the lego box open and DH got mad and told him he needs to open it at the top and leave it so it can be resued to store the lego. 

Out of the blue I said 'jeeze chill out man its Christmas'.  I apologiesd for that one!

But it was an accident and I would never intentionally do that to my DH.

MrsS81112

Phantomgirl, that's awesome that you realize when you do it and apologize!  I'm sure your DH appreciates that so much!  

MrsS81112

Danac2010, it's an awful feeling being thrown under the bus, especially in front of the child.  I fear that SS will grow to dislike me (he loves me now), but when he gets older because of the way he sees his father talk to me at times.  

I feel that stopping what I'm doing will cause more issues too.  Financial, because then we'll be spending more in daycare if DH has to take him and pick him up (he'd have to go earlier and stay later).  DH will be more stressed.  However, I also think that he'd realize what all I do and sacrifice everyday.  

I noticed your siggy, did it become worse when you had your own? I worry about that too.

 

Thank you again ladies for your help!!  I love my husband dearly and he helps me out tremendously, it's just this issue that has become HUGE and GREATLY impacts our marriage negatively.   

fellesferie

Phantomgirl:

I did it accidently around Christmas time and he was really mad about it.  SS tore the lego box open and DH got mad and told him he needs to open it at the top and leave it so it can be resued to store the lego. 

Out of the blue I said 'jeeze chill out man its Christmas'.  I apologiesd for that one!

But it was an accident and I would never intentionally do that to my DH.

I did a similar thing to DH one time. He was putting DS in time out and DS was just weeping about it. DS was sick that weekend, and "come on, he's not feeling good" just flew out of my mouth.

I apologized but felt bad. What I said made DH feel bad which made me feel worse.. ugh, lol. 

ldmessing

Live by this credo

i will not be responsible for a child I can not set boundaries for.

repeat as needed to your dh 

ldmessing

I will also add that somehow it got in my dh co that a step parent can't discipline.  Let bm take me to court, I will say those words exactly to any judge 

i will not be responsible for a child I can not set boundaries for.

 

awesomenus1341

MrsS81112:

Danac2010, it's an awful feeling being thrown under the bus, especially in front of the child.  I fear that SS will grow to dislike me (he loves me now), but when he gets older because of the way he sees his father talk to me at times.  

I feel that stopping what I'm doing will cause more issues too.  Financial, because then we'll be spending more in daycare if DH has to take him and pick him up (he'd have to go earlier and stay later).  DH will be more stressed.  However, I also think that he'd realize what all I do and sacrifice everyday.  

I noticed your siggy, did it become worse when you had your own? I worry about that too.

 

Thank you again ladies for your help!!  I love my husband dearly and he helps me out tremendously, it's just this issue that has become HUGE and GREATLY impacts our marriage negatively.   

 

 

If the only thing stopping you is your worry about financial and physical stress, stop worrying. In my experience, and I can't help but think this isn't the only case, my stopping everything lasted maybe a day, maybe not even that long. DH didn't realize how much I did, and it took a very short while before he was asking what was wrong and why I wasn't doing anything, which led to the whole conversation that led to more positive results.

happywife2b

I disagree with PP that you give an ultimatum. That is not a good way to make someone understand why your position is important.

Since you are already working with a counselor, why not include this issue in a session that involves you and DH, as well as SS? That way all three of you can get on the same page at the same time and be given the same strategies for dealing with the situation. This will hopefully create a 'checks-and-balances' situation to keep the positive growth going. At the very least DH will be aware of why it is important for him not to undermine your authority as a co-parent.

MrsS81112

Thank you ladies, you have all been so helpful. We've also been attending weekly sessions of "Marriage Built To Last". I'm hoping that is helping, but I've only seen very little improvements. I have told him that's I'm done doing motherly duties until he realizes I am a parent in this house too and I do not deserve to be disrespected and thrown under the bus. He's not happy about having to take SS to daycare at 5am he hasn't had to do that since SS was 4, he's now almost 8!
I keep reminding myself it's hard for me, that I need to go through with this to help our marriage. It's just difficult right now.
He says that I need to understand that for 4 years he did all the parenting himself. I find this hard to grasp, since I have been living with them/helping parent for 3 years now. He should be used to it, I would think. He says whenever I tell his son "no", it's as though he automatically goes into "Fight or Flight" so he decides to go into fight.

I wrote down PP's quote and am going to try to remind myself of it daily.

lb1212

This is from another site, but it gives the outline on disengaging and guilt parenting. Basically, from now on when SS asks you a question, send him to DH. I'd suggest disengaging because it's a way to take "power" back.

https://csmchat.weebly.com/disengaging.html

 https://csmchat.weebly.com/guilt-parenting.html

But talk to the therapist about this! It sounds like DH is "guilt" parenting and needs to know that setting boundaries is a good thing! Kids need to hear the word, "No". IMO, you're doing the right thing! But it can't be easy to constantly be undermined like that! It sounds like you've talked to DH about this more than once. In private he (says he) agrees with you but in front of SS, he's the one who gets to be the "good cop" while you always play "bad cop." One big question I'd want answered is - Does your DH truly agree with you or is he just saying that he agrees with you to get you off his case?

 

MrsS81112

Thanks for taking the time to reply! I believe he is guilt parenting too! That's a good question, I believe at times he does agree with me, but at other times he just wants me off his case. This weekend was much better, he supported my answers and backed me up. It felt good! I can definitely tell he's working on it!