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Parenting
Meeting with DS1's Teacher (long- PR)
I have posted on here before about DS1's rough transition to his new preschool from daycare. I had thought it was getting better, but I guess it's not.
Every day that we pick him up from school, we get a bad report. He wasn't being nice to friends, he said something hurtful, he pushed. On top of these issues, he doesn't listen well sometimes. The not-listening thing isn't a big shock. He doesn't listen at home either and it's something we are working on.
Our big issue is the problem with friends at school. We see none of this behavior at home. We have a lot of friends who have children that we see on the weekends. Some of them are older than him, some the same age, some younger. He plays so well with the other kids. He's never mean or hurtful. We had none of these issues at his previous daycare either. He's not even that mean to his brother! When we ask what the deal at school is, he will say "nobody wants to be my friend. Nobody wants to play with me." It's heartbreaking. We've tried to explain that if you aren't nice to people, they won't want to be friends. He says it's not because he's not nice.
Almost every day when I pick him up one little kid or another will come up to me and say "Vincent was bad today." I'm obviously not there. I don't know what's going on. I'm afraid that he's being pigeon-holed as the "bad kid." I'm worried if he hears it enough he'll start to embody it. I don't know if other kids are instigating and he's the one that lashes out and gets in trouble. I don't know if he's starting it.
We are not under the impression that he does no wrong. Far from it. Sometimes I think maybe to his detriment. I tend to assume he's the problem. I'm worried that because of that, we won't be his advocate when he needs us to.
I have requested an appt w/ the Director and his teachers to see if we can get a better idea of what the problem is. My point in this post is to see if you all have any suggestions on how you would handle this meeting? I obviously don't want to go in there accusing them of not handling things well. I have no clue if that's even an issue. At the same time, I don't want this to turn into a "bash Vincent" session.
Thanks if you read this far. I'm really sad about this and am so hopeful we can find a way to resolve this.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Meeting with DS1's Teacher (long- PR)
I spent many years as a daycare/pre-k teacher and my guess is they want to resolve it as much as you do and do not want to bash your child either.
I would go into the meeting asking what is occuring, if there is any pattern or specific time that it seems worse, how they are handling his actions and how you can at home help.
We had a (and occasionally still do) rough transition with DS from daycare to pre-k. We found a daily chart works for him. The chart breaks down into 6 categories. Morning work, recess, lunch, circle time, etc etc. The teacher gives DS a sticker for each category depending on behavior. DS loves stickers so this helps. Also if he gets 6 stickers we let him watch lil bit more tv, play on my phone, its like a incentive.
I hope that example helps. I also would request not hearing negatives reports daily but positves one too. No one wants to hear that everyday about their child. Good Luck!
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The daily rewards is a great idea. Right now, he has a sticker chart. He gets a sticker at the end of each day if he's on a certain color. He has to get 10 stickers and then he gets to pick a special treat. (he's gotten it once and we went bowling). DH talked to a dr he worked with the other day who said that's actually not a great idea. He said the reward is too far in the future and suggested something he can get daily.
His teacher did tell me the other day that he thinks part of the reason DS has a hard time listening is that he's very smart and gets bored if they are reviewing things. I guess that was a nice thing. I would love to hear more nice things!
Agree. I would make the categories simple.
Agree!
And I would ask that she would not use the word 'bad' when describing his behavior. ex. misbehaving, not being a good listener, naugh....
They do colors--red, yellow, green--at my son's preschool, and through December he was on the red the majority of the time, for virtually the same issues as your son. It was frustrating as hell, and I worry that he would be the kid no one wants to play with because he wasn't kind.
For myself, whenever I picked him up and he was in the red or yellow, I would wait until the end of class and ask what happened. The teacher is always willing to talk to me about it and let me know what she did in the situation to diffuse it. Helped me see some of his triggers on things and why he reacted the way he did. I would recommend when you talk to them you let them know you are definitely concerned with what is happening, and ask them what they think you could reinforce at home that might help (since you don't see the behavior at home). This is a transitional experience and it isn't an easy one--but this is what helps them learn social rules before they go into Kindy.
Oh and the kids saying he was bad? I wouldn't think for a second it was the teacher saying that to your son (unless you know for sure otherwise)--kids know when other kids aren't "making good choices". Also at this age they pick up on tattling...not fun...good luck!
I agree that it's not the teachers calling him "bad." What I usually hear is "Vincent had a rough day today." "Vincent wasn't a very good listener today." "Vincent was hurtful to friends today." I've never heard a teacher call him "bad" and I would be really upset if I did. They have a color chart too and the kids can see where he is. I'm also sure that they are aware when his pin gets moved down a color. I know all about the tattling phase! DS1 tattles on his little brother all the time!
I like the questions! I just want to make sure that this meeting doesn't feel like DH and I are accussing them of being the problem. I certainly don't want to tell them how to do their jobs. I'm not a teacher. I'm sure he must be different at school. I'm hoping this will give us a bit more insight. I pick him up a little earlier than the rest of the parents, so it's usually a mad house in there and very hard to talk to the teacher in much detail.
I'm a certified elementary teacher and worked as a preschool teacher, and this right here is exactly why color charts are becoming frowned upon lately in the education world. It's too easy for kids to label/judge each other, like what sounds like is happening with your son.
Of course, there's no better way to antagonize a teacher than to criticize her classroom management strategy, so your'e going to have to live with it. You should definitely bring to her attention, though, the fact that the other kids are coming up and telling you that your kid is bad. She might not be aware that they have this attitude. You should tell her that you're concerned that his behavior has caused the other kids to label him as "bad," and now no matter what he does the other kids won't want to play with him.
This is a real concern, and it's one that his teacher probably shares. You should also ask her if she's noticed a pattern in what kinds of things trigger the misbehavior. Very rarely do any kids act out with absolutely no trigger. It could be that his reaction was totally inappropriate (and you should acknowledge that so that the teacher doesn't get the impression that you're blaming other kids for "making" him misbehave), but he was for sure reacting to SOMEthing, and knowing what exactly is going on that's triggering his misbehavior should help.
If you haven't already, you should for SURE mention that he never has any of these problems when playing with kids outside of the school setting, so that's why you're so concerned and would like to get to the bottom of this. Also ask if she's noticed these behaviors happening more during a specific time of day. If she's not sure, ask if she can keep track for a week. Something easy; ask her to keep a time chart on her desk in half hour increments and have her mark a tally every time a misbehavior happens. She will sometimes forget or not be in the room when it happens, but it should give a general picture as to whether or not this has to do with a certain time of day. It could be that there's something particular about the school setting that sets him off; maybe he always acts out right after circle time when he's had to sit still for too long, or maybe right before lunch or snack when it's been awhile since he's eaten something, or maybe toward the beginning of the day or the end of the day (sleep related).
I know that's a lot of suggestions. Let me repeat to you to make sure that the teacher knows the other kids are feeling the need to tell you that vincent is bad. This is very telling about his social interactions and it's something she needs to know about.
1. Go in the meeting with an open mind and suggestions to help your son better adjust. Know that you are all on the same team and all parties batting for your son to do better.
2. See if you can observe the classroom. See if the teacher has the classroom schedule posted to assist in transition, see how she picks helpers/centers, etc
3. I like the idea of a daily token system/treasure box at home. We tried one last year but the length of time between the reward & behaviors was too long.
We have a rough transition to PreK3 last year; however, things have improved this year. (There is hope!) Having said that, my son has gone to the principals office twice and both times he came home to time out in his room for the evening. Though generally he is one the same color he starts on throughout the day.
Thank you all! I spoke to his teacher briefly when I picked him up. She told me she was going to work on putting a list together of things she's noticed, times of day, triggers, etc. She said that she's really excited to brainstorm some ideas with us and see what we can come up with to help him. She did mention that there may be a better system for him than the color chart. So, it seems like she's really willing to work with us to make things better for him. It was such a relief.
Talking with DH last night, we both want to make sure that they school knows we are not there to point any fingers. We just want him to be happy there and it seems like they want the same.
I really do appreciate all the suggestions and I have written a lot of them down!