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Parenting
Stupid question
I made an AE for this because someone I know IRL knows my usual name on here. I'm not a regular, but an occasional poster who has seen you ladies give good advice so many times. This is ridiculously long, so if you read it all, thank you.
I'm pretty sure I have ADHD. All the symptoms lists I read describe me perfectly. I feel like I can't get control of my life. I'm a SAHM. I can't keep my house clean enough that I don't worry that if someone were to come in, they would take my kids away. It's not Hoarders bad, but it's bad. I can stand there trying to clean for an hour, and I get nothing done. I just can't see what to do. I try and make lists and routines for myself, but I don't do it enough for it to just become a habit. I waste so much money on food that's wasted because I forget to make it, and bills I forget to pay. Our credit score is shiitt because I can't manage to pay bills before they go to collections, even though we have plenty money to cover them. My DS watches too much TV because I get hyperfocused on the computer, and eats crap because I can't manage to actually cook. Either I've forgotten half the ingredients, or I forget to thaw the protein on time, or the kitchen (super small, so any mess makes it unusable) is too messy to make anything, and it'd take to long to clean it so I'd have space and dishes to cook. My marriage is a wreck because of all this. My husband has been more understanding lately, since we've figured out there's something going on, but it obviously is hugely stressfull for him. I feel like a completely and total failure.
I'm trying so hard to find methods that work for me. I found a workbook on managing life with ADHD that seems like it will help me find strategies to work around the broken part of my brain, but I think I probably will need medication to complement the behavioral training.
The next problem is that I have a 4 month old daughter who I EBF. This probably sounds so stupid, but breastfeeding my children feels like my only accomplishment in life. I feel like it's the only thing I do well. I don't have any problem at all with people who choose to formula feed, or people who must because of supply or whatever reason, but the idea of weaning my daughter so that I can take a medication that may or may not work is terrifying. My only self-worth comes from it. It's the only thing I do well. I also don't see how I could manage keeping the bottles clean. I'd have to have more than I could fit in my cabinets to keep up with how many she'd need between when I manage to do dishes. I just feel like if the medicine doesn't work, and I've weaned my baby, I'm going to completely lose it. I'll have nothing. I'll be a crap mother that gave up on breastfeeding because she was too lazy to be a grown up. I don't say this to antagonize people who feed formula at all. I just can't figure out if the risk of weaning is worth the risk of the medicine not helping, and being back where I started, only worse.
I've thought that maybe I could ask a doctor for a short term release medicine so I could still breastfeed at night, before a morning dose, and before a noon dose so that I would be supplementing with formula rather than EFF. I don't know if this is even possible, since apparently the short term pills are more likely to be abused? I don't want to abuse anything, I just want to function like a normal human. I just don't want to get up the courage to go to a doctor and be treated like a drug seeker.
I don't know what I'm asking for here. I guess justification that what I'm experiencing IS bad enough that it's worth weaning, that giving my daughter an ordered household with functioning parents is worth more than breast milk. It seems stupid to even question this after typing it out. I just worry about my sanity if the medicine doesn't work, and I'm left with nothing. I have no friends, no support system, no job, no earning potential. My identity is wrapped up in this. I keep thinking if I just try harder, stop being so stupid and lazy, I'd get my act together, but the more I read and think about it, I don't think I can.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Stupid question
If things are as out of hand around the house as you think they are, why doesn't Dh step up and help out? Just because you are a SAHM doesn't mean your Dh should never do chores. Why hasn't he taken over the bills etc?
Just some tiny bits of advice. I set up ALL my bills for automatic payments so they never get forgotten. If you really feel you have more than enough money to take care of stuff ... hire someone to come in and clean! Get a maid service ASAP. I know many moms that say doing that has saved their marriage, made them sane, you get the drift. You would be free to focus on many other things. Maybe try a few things out before going the medicine route.
First, ((hugs)). I know how you feel about not being able to get control of things and getting hyper-focused on stuff that doesn't matter as much as what's around you.
I have ADD and have been taking medication since I was 16. I've been off of it a few times when I had lapses in health insurance, and while I was pregnant and BFing. Those times were rocky. I've also had clinical depression for about the same amount of time. The depression is usually aggravated by not being able to take my ADD meds, because I feel so stupid and useless, and I get into a downward spiral.
How long has this behavior been going on? PPD is a definitely a possibility, but if you've been feeling like this for years, it might just be exacerbated by post-pregnancy hormones, like depression can be.
You should definitely talk to your doctor about getting evaluated by a psychiatrist or psychologist. If meds are off the table, they can give you help with coping strategies.
They're all on autopay now, but unfortunately still on my credit report. I'd love to hire a maid, but they don't do the part that's hard for me. I have no issue scrubbing the toilet or whatever, it's keeping up with the mess and clutter, like dishes, clothes, toys, etc.
My DH works long hours in a physically demanding job. I don't think it's fair to ask him to do more physical work at home.
It's been my whole life. I really don't think I have PPD, just exactly what you said in bold.
I made an appointment for next Thursday.
What helps you?
There's absolutely noone that could help. The last time my mom "helped" she got drunk while babysitting my son, while I was giving birth to my daughter. My DH is helping some, but I want to be able to do it. I think y'all are right though, that I might need to let go of that until I get a better handle on things.
I think breastfeeding an infant for 4 months is great! You can be pleased you've done it for this long. If you need to give it up now to save your sanity and your family, well, you know, people have given it up for far "less".
You know how when you go on an airplane and stewardess says "please place your own mask before assisting others"?, your story makes me think of that. YOU need to take care of your own basic needs before you can be there for others. Good luck with your appointment on Thursday. I hope it's the beginning of better things for you and your family.
I have adult ADD and was on medication for a while. Now I just manage it on my own. We hired a maid service to come once a month because I just couldn't manage. It wasn't like I was being lazy, everything was just half done because I couldn't stick to a task to completion. DH handles the finances so I don't have to worry about that. My memory is super poor so DH has to remind me about stuff (like paying a bill or remembering batteries at the grocery store or whatever) all the freakin' time which is annoying, because it makes me feel like a child, but I just CAN'T remember. I tend to freeze up if there is too much to do and don't know how or where to start. It's frustrating, to say the least.
You could have ADD but only a doctor can answer that for you. I would also agree that your feelings of diminished self worth over this are contributing to some PPD and PPA which are two things I would definitely address ASAP with your doctor.
This. And see your doc or counselor.
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