FI's back-story (long) --Lurker

Courtimilk

My FI was adopted. It was a closed adoption and for the first 3 months of his life he was in foster care until he was matched with his loving family.

Everyone knew he was adopted. Except my FI. No one (not even his cousins) said anything to him.

At 5 his parents told him he was ''Chosen'', but from a heavily religious family Chosen was the same term used to describe the Virgin Mary, as she was ''Chosen'' to give birth to Jesus. At 5, he never made the connection.

 It wasn't until my FI was 13 (and hitting puberty if that isn't enough of a change at once) when someone casually mentioned that he was adopted. Between the new found information and many changes he was going thru with puberty; he became a cold, distant child believing that much of his life was a lie. His parents did what good little Christian parents were supposed to do, and sent him to various other people to fix him and pray over him when all he needed was a talk. FI's relationship with his ''adoptive'' family is still going thru rather rough patches (nearly 17 years later).

I know that this is a single case, but my FI needed to hear the story of how a wonderful woman gave birth to a baby boy but wanted a better life for him and put him up for adoption, as opposed to just being told he was ''Chosen'' as a child.

There isn't really a moral to this tale, I just don't want other families torn apart over a simple misunderstanding.

MayDayGirl

Wow I am really sorry how it was all handled.

My best friend's mom's best friend adopted a boy at birth who is now 20 something. I always knew he was adopted, everyone did. Apparently he mentioned it several times to his mom who would brush it off and say, "why would you say that?" So they never told him.

at 20 he found out he really and truly was adopted and it has devistated his relationship with his parents.

I try not to judge but I cannot fathom how parents think not telling their kids could end well.

I have hope their relationship will turn around, but it might take a lot of time.

I hope the same for your fi

MayDayGirl

fredalina:

MayDay, just saw your ticker! Congrats! Also, kids are adorable. Stupid Bump mobile hides me from such awesomeness!My sFIL has a grandchild who is biracial and was adopted and according to MIL, her Caucasian parents have not told her that she was adopted or her racial/cultural heritage. It is getting more obvious as she gets older. And now she's in school. I hope they tell her SOON!

Thanks! I know I hate not seeing sigs :

cogbot

I'm so sorry that your fiance's family handled his adoption this way. There have been a few times that people have asked me if I plan to tell my future child that he/she is adopted.  My response is an emphatic, "YES!"    People keep secrets because they fear there is something wrong with the truth.  There is certainly nothing wrong with adoption.

irismorning

It was a practice in the past to tell children that they were chosen and as PP stated, it put a lot of pressure on the children to live up to the expectations (being worthy of being chosen). This type of "explanation" is not suggested now.

I do want to comment on your comment about "good little Christian parents". As a general rule, I would say that sterotypes are just that, sterotypes. I am sorry that he felt betrayed, but that did not happen because they were Christian, it happened because his parents did not know how to deal with the situation properly. I was adopted as an infant in a closed adoption. My parents are Christian and told me that I was adopted. We spoke about it frequently as a family when I was growing up (I always knew). It was no secret. I also adopted two wonderful little boys and we also speak freely about adoption (age-appropriate) in our household and I consider myself a good Christian.

I am so sorry that your FI went through this negative experience and that it has strained his relationship with his parents.