Help, what do I say?

We usually see our son's birth mom about once a month, maybe a little more. The last time we saw her was I think the begining of Dec. She was going to come over on Xmas but I got really sick and we had to cancel. I felt so bad about that as I know Xmas means a lot to her and it was her first one as a mom, but I was SO sick.

Since then I've tried to schedule btu loosely, like saying hey let's plan a visit! But it hasn't happened. We dropped into her work to give her a bday gift but we haven't had a "real" visit. Before last weekend we let her know that Feb is CRAZY (we have family from out of state staying with us every weekend, here to see our son (turning 1 in 2 weeks), starting next weekend, so we tried to set a visit for last weekend and we never heard back.

I texted again yesterday about a visit this weekend and she just texted back that she's super sick with the flu and a bad fever, but she thinks she will be better by tomorrow and wants to visit.

When our son gets sick, he gets SICK, and it lasts at least 3 weeks. I know how much she wants to see him and I'm sure she's having feelings around his bday coming up (she's coming to his party but there will be lots of other people there - it won't really be "quality time"). But I really REALLY REALLY don't want him to get sick, esp with birthday parties, family visits etc coming up.

But I'm super torn and feel awful saying no. I don't know what to do. We can't do weekday visits because she gets off work about 1/2 hr before he goes to bed. I'm not totally comfortable with having her visit while family is here because 1) they get to see him so rarely and 2) I'm not totally convinced they wouldn't say something unintentionally insensitive to her (they are still working out their feelings about open adoption) and I'm sure she's extra sensitive of her right now and I feel protective of her.

I honestly don't know what to do.

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Re: Help, what do I say?

  • How long are your visits usually? How long does it take for her to get to you?

    My first thought was to make an exception and do a week-day visit and keep him up an hour later one time (if it works that way time-wise) my mind, dealing with an overtired kid for a night or two is way better than a sick kid for weeks.

    Another idea: could you skype? 

  • imagefredalina:
    Visit even if family is in town, just for an hour or something. Meet for breakfast and bring bagels home for the family or something like that.

    Ditto, after the last few months I wouldnt reschedule unless I had another time to throw out.

    I definitely wouldn't want my son or myself! to risk getting the flu
    Married on 3.20.2004. It took 30 month, 2 failed adoptions and IVF for our first miracle. We have had 9 foster kids since he was born and started the domestic adoption process when he was 10 month old, we had 4 failed matches in that time. After our daughter was born we brought her home and spent 2 weeks fearing we might lose her because of complications that came up. But Praise God all went through and she is ours forever! Expecting again after IVF Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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  • Omg I wish he would Skype and so do all the grandparents, haha!! He HATES it.

    I will try and make a weeknight work, you are right, I can handle an OT baby. Visits are usually long his whole awake period, which is about 3.5 hrs these days. But a shorter one will have to be ok. I hope she is ok w it :
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