My intro- lost my son 1/28/13

MAYashes86

My son Benjamin was born sleeping on Monday, but he passed very early Saturday. I went to bed late on Friday, really Saturday am & remember feeling him kicking like crazy. Then nothing Saturday, but I kept thinking that maybe he was just having a quiet day & trying not to panic, although deep down I knew. I went in to the hospital Sunday morning to get checked & was told he had passed. They then induced me to deliver his body early Monday morning. I didn't look at his body, I didn't want to remember him being empty & not the kicking, squirming baby I knew. All the nurses kept telling me I should, but I just can't handle thinking of his poor little body empty body. They offered pictures, which I also declined. Am I the only one that didn't want to see? They sent me home almost right away & I feel so lost. My 1 year old daughter keeps asking 'baby?' & pointing at my empty belly & can't stop crying. I feel worse that I can't even hold it together for her. I miss him so much.

jess123456

Hugs to you. I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby.

While it saddens me to welcome you here please know that you have come to an incredibly supportive place filled with those who really understand. You are not alone. Be gentle with yourself and know that we are always here for you.

Williamandshawnna

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Benjamin.

I too declined to see our sons, I wanted to remember them as the soccer players they were. Bouncing around like crazy. So I understand your reasons. You are not alone. We got one picture in the bottom of our memory box from the hospital.

Please be gentle on yourself. I found help through this board, the women are so understanding, helpful and supportive. I also started writing and see a therapist. Although it has only been 7 months out from the loss of our boys, it does get a little brighter. The first days and months are the hardest, the darkest.

I wish you peace and comfort.

HUGS

-Shawnna

Carolee

I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious son, Benjamin.  I hate that you're joining this board, but welcome.  Regarding holding your son and pictures, you did what was right for you.  I hope you'll find comfort by posting/reading here.

mrsneau

welcome to the board, so sorry you have to be here. RIP baby Benjamin.

 

I know you don't want to see him now, but you might later. My hospital keeps pics for a year in case people change their minds, maybe yours does too. It's up to you, I'm not saying you are wrong or anything. Like pp said, please be gentle on yourself, and know that we are here for you. ((BIG HUGS))

Noethola

I am so sorry for your loss of Benjamin. We welcome you into the loss family, even as we grieve with you for having a reason to join us.

Xath

I'm sorry that you're joining us, but I want you to feel welcome.  I understand why you did what you did in regards to pictures and holding your baby.  You might want to get pictures taken anyway, just in case you want to see them later.  Or at least make sure to get footprints and hand prints taken.  You don't have to look at them if you don't want to, and you can ask someone else to hold on to them for you, but if you don't do it now, you won't get another chance.  I don't want to be pushy; I just don't want you to look back in a few months and wish you had something more.  I didn't join this board until after my daughter was cremated, and there are many ideas I've seen on here that I wish we did while we had the chance.

 

MAYashes86

Thank you everyone for welcoming me, I wish none of us had to be here. The hospital did give me his footprints & a box containing items that were photographed with him, but since I didn't want to view & sign for the pictures, they were to be deleted. The nurse really tried to push them on me & I couldn't deal with it. I picked up his ashes yesterday & don't even know what to do with them, I never even imagined holding what's left of him in a little cardboard box & not my precious son in my arms. I'm getting a ring made with his name on it, to honor his memory. My husband has been really helpful in taking care of our daughter this week, but has to return to work Monday & I have no idea how I'm going to function enough to take care of a rambunctious toddler by myself.  

jess123456

Be gentle with yourself. The first few weeks are so incredibly raw. My mom stayed with us for three weeks and when she left I remember feeling so lonely because I work from home so I was left alone with my thoughts which can be so difficult. Do you have anyone that you can call to help you out with your daughter such as a sitter or friend or family member? I can't help with ideas for your daughter as I don't have any children at home but many of the ladies here do and I am sure they can offer you help.

Those first few weeks I spent so much time watching junky tv shows on Netflix, I took walks and started to journal which helped a bit. I couldn't handle going out to the public too much because I was afraid that I would completely lose it. Seeing a therapist and going to a support group are all things that also helped get me through the day to day at the beginning.

As for not knowing what to do with your son's ashes, I remember putting a lot of guilt on myself for not doing things and the truth is that there is no time limit on when you are supposed to do things by. My daughter grew her angel wings about five months ago and I still haven't had the courage to order the marker for the cemetary etc. I also haven't had the courage to organize her photos etc. I now realize that I will do those things when I am ready.

Hugs to you.

Helmet3311

I'm so sorry for your loss. 

HullGut

I'm so sorry for the loss of your little Benjamin, it's just not fair. The next few weeks are going to be so hard and emotional. 

I was so angry when the nurses asked if I wanted professions pictures of Hunter, I thought it was a sick joke. I understand why you did not want pictures,

We held a memorial mass and some of th nurses nd doctors came. One of them bought a disc with pictures on it. I don't look at them often but I am glad I have it. 

Take care of yourself and let yourself feel what you need to feel.  

karebear57

I am so sorry for your loss of your son Benjamin. ((Hugs)) These fellow mamas have been so wonderful and helpful. I hate to welcome new moms but we are here for you.

Bayberry12

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Benjamin.  I wish I didn't have to welcome you here, this is a place no one wants to be, but the women here are amazing and so supportive.  You have done the right thing by reaching out to others who have been through this horrific loss. 

Many of us a regrets about how we handled things.  Personally, I wish I had pictures taken, the nurses told me to do it, but I just wanted things to be over and couldn't deal with any decisions.  I also let the hospital handle her remains and she was placed in a common grave with no marker - I regret this SO MUCH.  But at the time, I did the best I could.  And you made decisions that were right for you.  It's ok to have regrets.   

tuscanbride2007

I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet baby boy, Benjamin and also to welcome you here. I also opted not to hold my baby girl because I wanted to remember her as the active baby she was. I hope that you will come here when you need to. The ladies here are very supportive and have helped me through the last 10+ months. I don't know how I would have gotten through without them.

((HUGS))

MAYashes86

Thank you all, I'm glad to have your support. This first week has been easily the worst of my life. The horrible things people say to you, thinking they're being helpful, they act like my son was not real. My pastor wasn't even sure what to say to me, apparently he's never had to deal with this before. I don't really have anyone IRL to talk to, friends all fell away when I married & got pregnant, and I was raised by my Grandma, who passed almost 8 years ago. My husband is handling things so much differently than I am, he seems as though everything is normal, and I feel like I'm reliving those two days over & over again in my head. I just want to feel Benjamin again & tell him I love him so much.

Tbecker18101

I am so sorry for your lost. I too am new here and all of these ladies are very supportive. We lost our son Declan last Wednesday at 19wks. I had actually posted when I found out I was going to have to deliver my baby. I was so glad that I had cause many women told me things they had done and hasn't done.
I was very conflicted about seeing my son. But I did hold him because I was afraid if I didn't I would later regret it and I was already having so much trouble. My husband was worried and didn't want me to have him brought in because he was afraid that it would be too hard on me. It was actually the opposite, I ended up doing ok and he broke down. He had to leave the room and hasn't been able to look at pictures. The pictures remind me that he was real and we do have a son. Sometimes they give me peace and sometimes they break my heart.
Everyone needs something different though.
We cremated our son too because I wanted him at home. I have purchased a small silver box that has his footprints on it his name and date of birth. I plan on putting his remains in there and putting it all in the memorial box they gave us.
My husband too has moved on and back to life. Me on the other hand have my moments. I was having trouble moving forward because I was afraid moving forward would mean forgetting.
Being able to talk here on this board and with another support group has helped me so much.
Go easy on yourself though and give yourself time and don't let anyone push you. I do well at home and today is the first day I've made it without crying. But going out in public I have a hard time with. I too have a one year old and I have been so thankful for having her because in my down moments she makes me smile and she keeps me busy. I have thrown myself into various tasks at home too. I don't like to not have something to do because that leaves time to think.
I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

MandynStephen

So sorry for your loss.  ((hugs))  And don't second guess the decision you made.  Everyone handles these things differently.