Calming the fear

Ok. So now I'm terrified. I'm a pessimist by nature (some combination of being a Southern Italian and a woman...) and I'm always in fear that when something good happens it will be negated (yes I do lots of therapy for this). But how do I calm this fear that now that R has expressed a desire to match  that it will actually happen. It's a long match, and my agency seems  uneasy about that (they usually hear from BM's around 7 or 8 months). And I feel like I keep hearing stories about people with long matches where, with no warning, the birth parent decides to parent. I'm terrified. So talk to me please.

Adoptive Moms: 

How did you get through a long match if you had one? Was it successful? If it wasn't, were there warning signs? Was there an unsupportive family member in the BM's family?

Birth Moms: 

Why did you seek an early or long match with an AP? How did it feel to you? Risky? Safe? Horrible? 


I'm just looking for info to help me process my own thoughts and feelings (because I'm driving my partner batty).


Thanks ! 

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Re: Calming the fear

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  • I feel your pain and yes, VERY stressful!!! We had a very long match and every day I was scared she is going to change her mind. Try to stay positive and have faith...
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  • The first day we posted our profile, we technically matched with a girl 7 weeks pregnant..crazy, I know.  We spent most of our time talking about how she can be so certain about adoption so early.  However, she ended up turning out a little crazy (wanting to move from AZ to NC to live with us throughout her pregnancy), so we had to sever ties with her.. and two days later, we were super fortunate to match with someone who was already 8 months pregnant.  Even though it was only 4 weeks waiting, it was tough..she was keeping it a secret from her family so every day I worried about them finding out and convincing her to keep the baby. She also hadn't received any prenatal care so I was imagining all the things that could be wrong.. I am sending strength your will be a long, tough road, but hopefully in the end, it all works out and this stress you're feeling now will be forgotten!
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  • Our match is 15 weeks today. We have no concern that they are *certain* in their decision to place- there are a number of factors that really make this the most logical option for where they are headed in their young lives, and we know the crazy isn't there since we know this person as someone on the periphery of a very small social network- but this person's parent's and sister do not yet know about the pregnancy and even though they have assured us that usually when they make decisions their parents stay out of it (they are well over 18), I can't help but worry a bit...
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  • I have 2 friends who use to post here who matched around that time, it was hard for them, but they both placed!
    Married on 3.20.2004. It took 30 month, 2 failed adoptions and IVF for our first miracle. We have had 9 foster kids since he was born and started the domestic adoption process when he was 10 month old, we had 4 failed matches in that time. After our daughter was born we brought her home and spent 2 weeks fearing we might lose her because of complications that came up. But Praise God all went through and she is ours forever! Expecting again after IVF Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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  • Thanks MayDayGirl!


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  • Maryoosa,

    I wish I could calm your fear but you matched when I did and we were reassured they were going to place up until 10 minutes before leaving the hospital.  If they start talking about not having money for things, run the other way.  Ours started making us pay for things like "heaters" because the furnace was broken.  I got a call one night she needed money because there was no food in the house even though she had gotten her weekly allowance 4 days prior.  Looking back, these were signs, but then we just felt like they were poor and couldn't afford a 5th child.  Well the welfare system seems to take care of that and we just were blindsided.  Even in the hospital after delivery we were asked to purchase a photo of the baby so they would have it, since we would have the kid.  Again, we were being assured the baby was ours right up to the point we were literally waiting for the paper work to be signed so that we could take the baby with us.  I wish I could calm your fears, but unfortunately I am scared for you too.  If there are any BM's on here that want to discuss why they want to "match" so early on, I would love to know because going forward, we will not match with anyone until they are at least 20 weeks along.


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  • IRR,

    Thank you for your candidness. We have a very small allowance for birth mother expenses- and in our state those can only be paid to the birth mother for 2 months before and one month prior to the birth. They have not once mentioned not having money for things, they have private health insurance etc.   Part of the reason we're doing this as agency assisted  is because they  mitigate a lot of the cost issues around the expenses- we aren't willing to match with someone who needs a weekly allowance, etc. 

    So---we're going to keep hoping. We aren't "officially" matched yet- this person has to still reach out to our agency, which we are fairly certain they will do, and we won't hands down agree to the match until after second trimester screening is complete- as horrible as it sounds, we are not equipped for a special needs child. So---we slowly move forward, and slowly hope....

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  • Our match has been since 13wks with our EM. we arent working with an agency but with an attorney. Its long and frustrating. But at the same time I love the fact that we have gotten to know our EM better than we would have if it had been a shory match. I conpletely am there with you on the constantly wondering too. I think about them deciding to parent daily but just have to remember its in Gods hands. I am sure you will have so many ups and downs with this match but you will think its all worth it in the end. Our EM IS due in 18 days. Never thought we would make it to this point. I will keep you in my prayers that you get through this one day at a time. :
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  • We have a long risk period post-placement as well. It's almost making me wish that cradle care were an option.



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  • klandry80,

    Good luck! Keep us posted! 

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  • I suppose I didn't "match" with APs until maybe 24ish weeks? Sheesh, I have no idea. 5 months along, maybe? It's been a while, LOL! But I was figuring I'd place M from the time I found out I was pg. I was pretty certain by -14ish weeks, and positive by the time I found APs. Even though I wished I could change my own mind, I was just certain it was best for M.

    Really, I'm not sure I'm a "typical" BM, but I don't know if there is one. Sometimes it really makes sense for everyone; I don't see a reason to not match if you're pretty sure, kwim? AM got to go to a couple of prenatal appts and APs got to pray over M in my tummy. It was a sweet time. fwiw, I know (now) they were still kind of freaked out bc she came early to the hospital the day after he was born, and I requested a little more alone time with him, and she started crying (poor woman!). My mom (who is AWESOME in stressful situations) was able to calm her down that I wasn't changing my mind; I just wanted some quality time with him while he was still "mine." I totally should have kept repeating that I was firm in my decision, but I just thought they'd take my word for it when I told them. I mean, I had no idea what it was like for APs. Whoopsie! But obviously it worked out well in the end. :)

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  • imagesrmmm09:

    I suppose I didn't "match" with APs until maybe 24ish weeks? Sheesh, I have no idea. 5 months along, maybe? It's been a while, LOL! But I was figuring I'd place M from the time I found out I was pg. I was pretty certain by -14ish weeks, and positive by the time I found APs. Even though I wished I could change my own mind, I was just certain it was best for M.

     Thanks. Very helpful especially coming from a birth mother!  I think you are right about nothing being typical--- and there is nothing typical about the situation of our current match- except that it actual feels so right. I just read something on another board that said everything in adoption is a "leap of faith" so I think that's what I need to think of--- Leap of Faith.


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