does anyone else feel disconnected sometimes?

silverlining8d

I know everyone grieves differently but the more of an out-pouring of support I have the more I feel like I don't deserve it. I feel like I am responsible for my baby's death even though my midwife tells me there was nothing I could have done and when people e-mail me or tell me that they are praying and their heart breaks for me I don't feel like I'm one of the people who deserves that kind of support and when I have a day like today where I'm calm and able to function I literally feel disconnected to the woman that I was 9 days ago that gave birth to a stillborn baby boy she had been preparing for for 9 months. I feel crazy. I feel numb. I feel like I don't belong anywhere.

HullGut

I understand what you mean. It's so hard those first few weeks because ever hour is different. Even now I have times when I don't want to talk to anyone or see people. I have learned over time to do hat I can. You definitely deserve all the support and prayers what you went through, what we went through is horrible. No mother should have to have these feelings. I am thinking of you. 

Tbecker18101

I know what you mean. It's only been two days for me. But the out pouring of support has just been unimaginable. Sometimes I feel like we shouldn't be accepting this support because we didn't do everything we could have. According to me, I know the doctors all said that there was no chance I'd go far enough for my son to survive. But now I often feel that I still should have tried something more whether it was trying to get a stitch that the dr knew wouldn't work. When the day is going normal and I am functioning like a person who didn't just deliver a baby two days ago I feel horrible. I feel like I need to think about him every minute because I don't want him to be forgotten. I am on a crazy roller coaster of emotions and feelings. Right now I am so angry and mad. I often don't feel like talking to people and my phone has been blowing up. I feel rude though if I don't return calls and stuff. But I just don't feel like talking and I don't know what to say when they say sorry what can I do for you? There is nothing in this world that anyone can do for me because all I want is for this to not be happening.
Idk

silverlining8d

Tbecker18101:

I know what you mean. It's only been two days for me. But the out pouring of support has just been unimaginable. Sometimes I feel like we shouldn't be accepting this support because we didn't do everything we could have. According to me, I know the doctors all said that there was no chance I'd go far enough for my son to survive. But now I often feel that I still should have tried something more whether it was trying to get a stitch that the dr knew wouldn't work. When the day is going normal and I am functioning like a person who didn't just deliver a baby two days ago I feel horrible. I feel like I need to think about him every minute because I don't want him to be forgotten. I am on a crazy roller coaster of emotions and feelings. Right now I am so angry and mad. I often don't feel like talking to people and my phone has been blowing up. I feel rude though if I don't return calls and stuff. But I just don't feel like talking and I don't know what to say when they say sorry what can I do for you? There is nothing in this world that anyone can do for me because all I want is for this to not be happening. Idk

The best advice I've gotten about dealing with people when you're not ready is don't. My SO's mother lost her son when he was 17 and I know it's not the same but it IS grieving a child and she told me don't feel bad, worry about you. People mean well so don't be angry but this time is for you. People will get over it or they won't. You're not being rude and you have nothing to defend when it comes to how you grieve.

OSUWifey09

I remember feeling like that. I still feel like that, even though I'm almost six months out from losing Devon. The first few weeks after losing him were overwhelming - both because of my emotions and because of all the support. It was amazing, all the flowers, food, thoughts, cards, emails that we received. Some days, I was so grateful; others, I was so bitter that the reason why I was getting all that was because I had lost a baby. I felt numb for a long, long time. I still have those days where I feel numb, where I can't believe this now my reality - that I'm a loss mom. 

You are NOT crazy. You are handling things the best you can, and that's all you can expect of yourself after something like this happening. Thinking of you. *hugs* 

silverlining8d

Thank you, ladies. It's so hard to figure out how to survive this.

mrsneau

I basically didn't even answer my phone or really talk to people in the beginning. They understood and were there when I was ready. For me I just concentrated on getting through each hour at first. I cried when I needed to cry; I screamed; I punched my pillows, etc whatever felt good at the moment. I've always been a journal person so I write in my journal and it helps me to write about my feelings. I started another journal of letters to my daughter too. And I'm reading a book called Empty Cradle, Broken Heart. Idk you just have to do what works for you, whatever that may be. ((HUGS))

Bayberry12

OSUWifey09:

 Some days, I was so grateful; others, I was so bitter that the reason why I was getting all that was because I had lost a baby. I felt numb for a long, long time. I still have those days where I feel numb, where I can't believe this now my reality - that I'm a loss mom.  

I felt the same way.  Every time I received a card in the mail I felt thankful that someone cared, but then felt so angry that I was getting a sympathy card.

For the most part, we didn't get a lot of support.  It's sad to say, but people, especially a lot of our family, just stayed away from us.  The next time we saw most of my extended family at a wedding, they acted like we had the plague.  There have been very few people that continued to reach out to me after the cards stopped and my husband went back to work.