Husband wants to go out of town! — The Bump
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Husband wants to go out of town!

So my husband and I have been arguing for the past couple of days because he wants to go out of town with a buddy to DC over Memorial Day Weekend which is three weeks after our baby's due date. He is taking 6 weeks paternity leave and has plans of working on things during the day that he needs to take care of.  I am upset he wants to leave for the weekend that soon because to me that time is meant for caring for the baby, learning about her, spending time as a family and bonding.  Plus, we have no idea if the birth will be fairly easy or have it's complications. He thinks I am trying to be controlling.  I don't know what to do.  Am I really being that unrealistic with this?

Re: Husband wants to go out of town!

  • IMO you are not being unreasonable wanting him to stay home. My DH stayed home with me for a week and then went back to work/school after that but was home with me for part of the day or night depending on the day. I needed that time when he was home to shower, brush my teeth, make food AND eat it, etc.  my DD was and still is very high needs so putting her down to accomplish these things wasn't an option.  Even now that DD is 5 months I would still have a hard time without him. Sometimes I just need to take 5 mins here and there for myself throughout the evening. 

    Maybe just ask him to not set these plans in stone and see how things are once the baby comes. Maybe by that time he'll see you need him or on the other hand maybe you'll have a very easy-going baby and won't need him!  

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  • I would encourage him to go for sure. It will be a nice break for him and maybe you guys could arrange some help for that weekend. It is amazing that he is taking 6 weeks off. I wouldn't read too much into it- he will be so happy to see you both on his return! However if there are complications- then he will just need to be flexible and let his friend know that in advance. Just my 2 cents.
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  • I would be mad. You may have the baby late and then he would be leaving even sooner than three weeks after he/she is born. My hubby tried to do this after baby 1 and I really needed his help. You never know how labor will go, how you will recover, if your baby is high needs, how you will be mentally, ect. Hopefully you'll do great, but i would want him home too.
  • image fairbl:
    I would be mad. You may have the baby late and then he would be leaving even sooner than three weeks after he/she is born. My hubby tried to do this after baby 1 and I really needed his help. You never know how labor will go, how you will recover, if your baby is high needs, how you will be mentally, ect. Hopefully you'll do great, but i would want him home too.

    I never thought about if you go late. I was 10 days late :S

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  • I wouldn't be mad, but I would hope that he could see your reasons for being nervous about being left alone with LO so soon.

    If it is very important to him to go, I would see if a friend or relative could stay with you for the weekend. Once LO is here, he might not want to go! ;) 

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  • image LoveMyA:

    image fairbl:
    I would be mad. You may have the baby late and then he would be leaving even sooner than three weeks after he/she is born. My hubby tried to do this after baby 1 and I really needed his help. You never know how labor will go, how you will recover, if your baby is high needs, how you will be mentally, ect. Hopefully you'll do great, but i would want him home too.

    I never thought about if you go late. I was 10 days late :S



    This is what I was going to bring up. I was 10 days late and we left the hospital two days later. The roughest time for me was actually a week after getting home. Theres no way that I wouldnt have wanted dh there.
  • When I read this, my first thought was:

    You guys are first time parents who don't have extremely close family with a very young child, am I right?

    He's insane.  Not stupid insane.  Just "you have no idea what you're getting yourself into" insane.  Just "your bubble is about to be burst, buddy" insane.

    Three weeks after the birth of your child, you will still be recovering.  You will still need help doing the stuff you just do to get around.  (Heck, I didn't have a c-section and was told to stay in bed for a week due to blood loss.  I needed help getting up to go to the bathroom the first few days.)  You will be sending him to the store for food you didn't realize you didn't have, diapers or wipes or breast gel pads or lanolin or a swaddling blanket or some other piece of whatever that you didn't know you'd need but now do because it's the only thing that's going to make things tolerable for a few more days.  You're kinda in survival mode.  And this is *especially* true when the baby gets past the first few days to two weeks of doing little but sleeping.  Oh, and did I mention that unless he refuses to do his share, he's not going to be getting much sleep either.

    I had grand visions of getting some stuff done, wearing my baby while doing so, and - though greatly slowing down and not doing as much - still having some "hey, here's my plan and I'm going to do it".

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    Joke's on me.  That all got thrown out the window and - for us - breastfeeding, colic, reflux, recovery, and total exhaustion was such a nightmare that the first three months that it was simply survival mode.

    I'm not saying it's that bad for everyone. But rather it was nothing like my expectation.  And it won't be like yours either, simply because it never is.

    Maybe if you guys have close family in the area that can help take up the slack for him not helping out, I can see his reasoning, but otherwise, no.  You will need his help too much. 

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  • I think that you should ask him to wait on finalising his plans until after baby arrives and then decide.

    I had a c-section with DD and was up, shopping, cooking etc within a week of DD's birth. Some people aren't up to it, others are. 

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  • The thing is, this is my first child.  He has two boys from another marriage.  But he has it in his head that I will be fine after a day or two.  I'm guessing that's how it was for his ex. I live about 2 hours from my family.  Having someone here with me by the third week hasn't even been a discussion with him.  My mom will probably come down and stay for the first week or so. I have spoke with my dad and he wouldn't want me to be alone so soon so he would be willing to take time off work and stay with us or we could go stay with him. Oh well, I guess I just need to deal with my feelings and let him do what he will do. 
  • I will say you can probably make it without help but I wouldn't want to. DH deployed when I was 36wks pregnant so I did have to handle things on my own from the beginning and with a toddler. It's doable but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't choose it. Plus like PPs mentioned, you could easily go late. You're not supposed to drive the first two weeks or lift anything heavier than the baby the first six. And that's for a routine vaginal delivery.

    With my first I was roughly 3wks postpartum when I realized my recovery wasn't going the way it should.

    I personally just don't think I'd be okay with an optional trip that soon after delivery.
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  • It really depends on the delivery. I had an uncomplicated delivery, with a second degree tear. I had to take it easy, but I was more than capable of laundry, cooking, short walks, etc. I had no restrictions on driving or lifting (though I avoided heavy lifting so that DH would still bring in wood for the fire for me hehe). The first 2 weeks were pretty easy as LO slept a lot and I slept horribly in late pregnancy so I was used to it. DH is away every 6th night for work, and it didnt bother me. For me, I would've told him to go have fun, but be prepared to make up for it on return. I would try to arrange for a friend or family member to come by in the day to give you a break and let you shower, etc.

    As you don't know what kind of shape you'll be in, what if he agrees that you can cancel the trip if needed? 

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  • I'd be aggravated for sure. 

    If you *do* happen to go on time that 3 week growth spurt was rough. And as a FTM who was trying to navigate and succeed at BFing I needed DH's emotional support then.  

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  • I would have him make plans that are flexible.  If there are plane tickets or hotel reservations involved, have him buy travel insurance so that he could get his money back if necessary.

    I am not of the "OMG! HE CANNOT LEAVE THE SKY IS FALLING! AH!" group.  But that is because I am a military wife and see friends doing it alone all.the.time.  The birth, the first nights, and first months - all by themselves, away from family, with their husband in a war zone.  They survive.  And so all of the ZOMGGG you are going to NEED him fall on deaf ears with me.  No, you don't need him with a 3 week old.

    6 weeks of paternity leave is ah-mazing.  Unheard of in the US pretty much.  I honestly think that if you do have your baby on your due date, after 3 weeks of being around each other 24/7 that it might be a nice break for him to get away for a few days.  At that point with my first I was pretty comfortable caring for my newborn.  Maybe you can compromise and instead of him going for the whole weekend, maybe he can just go for half of the weekend (or one overnight).  Something so that he has a good time but then isn't away from you too long.

    Yes, if you go at 42 weeks and have a C-section his trip would be pretty impossible if you don't have any help.  So get some travel insurance and make the decision when you have more information.  You could have a great delivery and be feeling like a million bucks 3 weeks after your due date.  Shoot, I had my first baby 5 weeks early.  By 3 weeks past my due date I had a 2 month old and was an old pro ;).

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  • Once the baby gets here I think he will change his mind about going away for the weekend.  You'll see.
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  • image sweetpea2003:

    I would have him make plans that are flexible.  If there are plane tickets or hotel reservations involved, have him buy travel insurance so that he could get his money back if necessary.

    I am not of the "OMG! HE CANNOT LEAVE THE SKY IS FALLING! AH!" group.  But that is because I am a military wife and see friends doing it alone all.the.time.  The birth, the first nights, and first months - all by themselves, away from family, with their husband in a war zone.  They survive.  And so all of the ZOMGGG you are going to NEED him fall on deaf ears with me.  No, you don't need him with a 3 week old.

    6 weeks of paternity leave is ah-mazing.  Unheard of in the US pretty much.  I honestly think that if you do have your baby on your due date, after 3 weeks of being around each other 24/7 that it might be a nice break for him to get away for a few days.  At that point with my first I was pretty comfortable caring for my newborn.  Maybe you can compromise and instead of him going for the whole weekend, maybe he can just go for half of the weekend (or one overnight).  Something so that he has a good time but then isn't away from you too long.

    Yes, if you go at 42 weeks and have a C-section his trip would be pretty impossible if you don't have any help.  So get some travel insurance and make the decision when you have more information.  You could have a great delivery and be feeling like a million bucks 3 weeks after your due date.  Shoot, I had my first baby 5 weeks early.  By 3 weeks past my due date I had a 2 month old and was an old pro ;).

    I don't think you can compare being in the military and HAVING leave your family with CHOOSING to go visit your buddy for the weekend.  Huge difference.  I don't think it's very fair that her DH is choosing to go visit his buddy for the weekend.  I would be annoyed if my DH were planning something like that.  My DH is also military and if he HAD to leave to go somewhere than I would be upset at the situation but not at him and of course I would have to handle everything on my own. 

    OP - I really think your DH will change his mind once the baby arrives.  And although yes you will probably be ok by yourself, you shouldn't have to handle it by yourself just so your DH can go visit his friend.  Can't he plan another weekend to visit his friend?

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  • image sequoiasky:
    I would encourage him to go for sure. It will be a nice break for him and maybe you guys could arrange some help for that weekend. It is amazing that he is taking 6 weeks off. I wouldn't read too much into it- he will be so happy to see you both on his return! However if there are complications- then he will just need to be flexible and let his friend know that in advance. Just my 2 cents.

    This. BUT this is said as a "been there done that" mother of two. I understand how it's different going into the unknown of a first baby.

    My husband takes 2 weeks paternity leave, and I've always encouraged him to have sometime to himself...go golfing etc etc etc. Not all the time but definitely to get some rest and relaxation in.  

    I would talk to your husband not just about the need to be flexible over potential complications, but also that the primary function of his leave is to look after the family unit. Therefore YOU might need his support at that stage and that that should take priority over a trip.

    At three weeks you might be completely fine with a dream baby who sleeps long stretches. Or you might be feeling really challenged with any number of things. So, if it was me, I would say, "the trip is fine in theory, but that if you need him then your needs come first."

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  • I didn't read all the replies, so I apologize if this has been thoroughly covered.

    I think this situation is just one of those times when you can't know what things will be like.  

    Best case scenario:  you have the baby on time or a little early, things go well at home, by 3 or 4 weeks into parenthood you're starting to figure out your routine a little, and you have a friend or relative who is eager to come for a little weekend visit to see the baby and hang with you.  He gets a nice break, and you have a nice weekend yourself.  3 to 4 weeks can actually be a good window for this type of thing. 

    Worst case scenario: you have the baby a week or more late and wind up with a c-section. By the time the trip rolls around the baby is only 1.5 to 2 weeks old and you are still recovering from surgery and struggling with getting up and down steps and haven't been cleared to drive yet. No one is available to come help at this point, because everyone came for the birth.  You haven't figured out the basics of nursing yet, and the baby is proving to be fussy and difficult.  It might be impossible for him to go away if you can't do steps or drive.  Even if you've been technically cleared for these activities, it might still be a challenge for you to fly solo this early.

    I think that as long as he understands that there's a serious possibility that he'll have to cancel at the last minute, it's not a problem to make tentative plans to go.

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  • image sequoiasky:
    I would encourage him to go for sure. It will be a nice break for him and maybe you guys could arrange some help for that weekend. It is amazing that he is taking 6 weeks off. I wouldn't read too much into it- he will be so happy to see you both on his return! However if there are complications- then he will just need to be flexible and let his friend know that in advance. Just my 2 cents.

    I agree with this. You'll be fine for a day or two without him.

  • My DH had a business trip in Las Vegas when DD was 3 weeks. I was surprised to find that KNOWING I was on my own was easier than watching the clock and waiting for him to get home at 5. I think it was important for me to learn how to rise to the challenge alone, because he won't always be there when times get tough.
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  • image skibunny59:
    image sweetpea2003:

    I would have him make plans that are flexible.&nbsp; If there are plane tickets or hotel reservations involved, have him buy travel insurance so that he could get his money back if necessary.


    I am not of the "OMG! HE CANNOT LEAVE THE SKY IS FALLING! AH!" group.&nbsp; But that is because I am a military wife and see friends doing it alone all.the.time.&nbsp; The birth, the first nights, and first months - all by themselves, away from family, with their husband in a war zone.&nbsp; They survive.&nbsp; And so all of the ZOMGGG you are going to NEED him fall on deaf ears with me.&nbsp; No, you don't need him with a 3 week old.


    6 weeks of paternity leave is ah-mazing.&nbsp; Unheard of in the US pretty much.&nbsp; I honestly think that if you do have your baby on your due date, after 3 weeks of being around each other 24/7 that it might be a nice break for him to get away for a few days.&nbsp; At that point with my first I was pretty comfortable caring for my newborn.&nbsp; Maybe you can compromise and instead of him going for the whole weekend, maybe he can just go for half of the weekend (or one overnight).&nbsp; Something so that he has a good time but then isn't away from you too long.


    Yes, if you go at 42 weeks and have a C-section his trip would be pretty impossible if you don't have any help.&nbsp; So get some travel insurance and make the decision when you have more information.&nbsp; You could have a great delivery and be feeling like a million bucks 3 weeks after your due date.&nbsp; Shoot, I had my first baby 5 weeks early.&nbsp; By 3 weeks past my due date I had&nbsp;a 2 month old and was an old pro ;).



    I don't think you can compare being in the military and HAVING leave your family with CHOOSING to go visit your buddy for the weekend.&nbsp; Huge difference.&nbsp; I don't think it's very fair that her DH is choosing to go visit his buddy for the weekend.&nbsp; I would be annoyed if my DH were planning something like that.&nbsp; My DH is also military and if he HAD to leave to go somewhere than I would be upset at the situation but not at him and of course I would have to handle everything on my own.&nbsp;


    OP - I really think your DH will change his mind once the baby arrives.&nbsp; And although yes you will probably be ok by yourself, you shouldn't have to handle it by yourself just so your DH can go visit his friend.&nbsp; Can't he plan another weekend to visit his friend?



    As a fellow military wife whose DH is currently deployed and has been since I was 36wks pregnant with baby number two...it is so not the same. Sure it's possible to handle all this without him but I certainly wouldn't choose to do so.
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  • image jlschwind:
    He is taking 6 weeks paternity leave and has plans of working on things during the day that he needs to take care of.  

     

    I won't add my thoughts on the weekend away, since that is pretty much covered, but I think he'll need to be realistic about the quoted part. You have a newborn, stuff won't get done. Especially not if it it noisy DIY home fixing stuff, which might drive you crazy and cost you/baby precious sleep time. Even if it is quiet paperwork... if it's urgent, try to get it done pre-birth. If it's not, accept that it probably won't get done during those six weeks.  

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