Dads' opinions?... — The Bump
Dads & Dads-to-be

Dads' opinions?...

I'm new to the Bump. Really feel I'd like to hear some opinions/advice/suggestions. So here goes.

My husband is having major trouble with my being pregnant. I'll be 10 weeks along tomorrow, told him about 5 weeks ago or so. He started acting weird/distant from that night on.

 Background, my husband has 3 kids. 2 from a previous marriage (13 and 14), and 1 (6 yrs) from a woman he dated and didn't know about the little one til she was almost 2! Her mother is no longer involved, and she lives with us and calls me Mom, and is "ours". During our relationship, he's gone back and forth a little wtih wanting kids. He knew from day 1 that it was VERY important for me to have at least 1 of my own. And he was totally on board. Then about 8 months later, we had major court troubles with 1 of the exes, all related to money. He changed his mind at that point. Then another not quite year after that, changed it again, saying we'll have 1. We weren't "not" trying, and I was having some hormone problems, afraid I couldn't conceive, so he said we'd just keep going as we are, and if we don't conceive in the next couple years, we'll get checked out.

 So then I got pregnant in Dec, and he is freaking out. I went to the docs last week to get preg verification for our OBGYN, and he didn't ask me about it at all. He's showing NO interest in me or the baby lately. I finally brought it up the other day, and he started freaking out saying he didn't want another kid, and I should just abort it, but it was too late for that at this point. I know he didn't mean that part, (later found out he was mad about something else too), but of course it hurt that he said it anyway. I don't feel like I have his support in my pregnancy at all.

 I of course, got mad back, saying he shouldn't of LIED to me saying he wanted one if he didn't, knowing we weren't taking any precautions!!

At this point, I'm nervous and scared. I strongly believe he thinks I'm just like the other 2 women, just out to get his money. Both are selfish, and put themselves above any of the kids. That's not me. I'm finishing school and will make about 2x what he does when I'm done, so if he doesn't want me/my baby, he doesn't have to pay a penny, EVER. 

 This is getting long, so I'll stop now. Anyone's hubby/partner had difficulty adjusting? Anything I can do to help him along? Trying not to stress here...

Re: Dads' opinions?...

  • I don't think he's being very nice to you. I can understand this is largely an issue of financial stress and ripping open old wounds for him. But you are totally in the right in that he agreed he wanted a child with you and had sex knowing it was a possibility.

    You're hardly the first woman with a partner who wasn't super excited about being a dad during the first tri. For most men the big belly and feeling kicks makes it much more real.

    I hope he comes around and everything works out well for you.

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BhqjipgCIAAOz7H.jpg
    -My son was born in April 2012. He pretty much rules.
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  • He's likely in shock.  If the thought was that pregnancy isn't something that was super likely, even though you were trying, he may just be in the initial shock phase being that it was still somewhat unexpected.

    If he wasn't wanting another child, he shouldn't have participated in unprotected sex.  He should have been up front with his stance on more kids.  I get the whole ex wife/girlfriend drama maybe making him hesitant (though I fortunately do not have first hand experience), but he did agree to at least 1 more.

    Best I can say is likely let him come to grips with the fact that he's got another one coming on his own terms, which may or may not happen.  It could be shock, it could be stress of another mouth to feed/take care of, or he may legitimately not really want another kid and wasn't forthright with you.

     

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  • He certainly is wrapped up in his own little world, isn't he??  Not very nice....

    No two men deal with the first days of pregnancy the same way.  As time moves on, and you begin to change more physically and emotionally, he will hopefully begin to see the importance of his role as your partner and as your main support piece.

    But the things that he is saying and doing, completely out of order, and you have every single right to call him out for it. You guys need to have a talk, but mainly so he can hear what a tool he has been, and that this is not about his money, or you manipulating him in some way.

    Regardless of the drama from the previous women, you are not them, and the fact that he is linking them to you needs to stop.  You certainly have to let him know it is not acceptable for him to lump you into that category.

    image

  • That sounds like a really rough situation. Sorry.

    Right now it's hard for both of you to transition into this new territory. He has a lot of baggage and this is new for you being your first kid, both of you need time to adjust and patience with one another. Give it a little bit of time and slowly talk about how you feel, how he feels, worries, concerns, excitement, etc. 

    He doesn't think you are the other 2 women, but it's hard to compartmentalize what's happening and we aren't great at expressing our feelings. Hang in there. It will get better.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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