Blended Families

Pot smoking briefing

First of all, thank you for the input. I appreciate feedback, criticism, and any 2 cents. 

Boys background:  He barely graduated from jr high but that seemed to scare parents and he did pick up the pace his freshmen year. As a sophmore, his grades are not good. Still a 2.0 but he hot a D in math. Also he got an F on the final which tells me he obviously didn't try and didn't give a damn.  His stupid parents didn't do a thing about it when he got his progress report and believed his "I swear I am working on improving" . When we got the final report card my husband did take the tv as we saw he didn't even try.  He will get it bk when progress report shows he has no D's or C-'s.  Lies and manipulates as much as he could. It has way subsided with me in the picture because I call him on his bullshit and my husband realizes how manipulative he is. He didn't take my word for it though. He took him to counseling where the counselor ultimately told him what I was telling him all along: The boy tries to get his way as much as possible even if he doesn't really want it to be his way, he will push for it just to prove he can.

Parents Background:  always defending their baby, never held him accountable for anything, spoiled materialistically, they bought anything anytime. This all stopped when we got married for I was raising my daughter totally different. She earns things, has chores (for free), and is expected to do well in school. That means to her best of her ability.  She does very well but there are things she isn't perfect at but if I see her do her best then it is accepetd. I ask for minimum 2.0 from step son with no D's or C-'s and the best I could do with chores is cleaning bathroom once a month, cleaning the blinds, and the lawn here and there. Parents don't really making him do anything. My husband does make him do more now after I educated him about accountability and responsibility and developing work ethic.

With this whole matter- both parents seem to have had a wake up call.  there baby is capable of such a thing and they seem to be on board.  Im just pist at the mother for giving him so much damn money to spend freely. She told us she gave him 400 freaken dollars for his bday--- gee guess what he spent it on. 

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Re: Pot smoking briefing

  • Maybe it's none of your concern what his mother bought him for his birthday.

    It sounds like you have control issues.
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  • imageSamiantha101:
    Maybe it's none of your concern what his mother bought him for his birthday. It sounds like you have control issues.

     When her gift causes this drama in my families life--- it is very much my concern. Kids are kids and they are going to make crazy choices but don't make it that easy for them to get into this crap.  And sorry but I do feel that if her actions cause me consequences, it is very much my concern.

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  • I sincerely hope you're not the one helping the boy with his English homework.

    Anyhow, it sounds like any drama there may have been, you have found a way to magnify it.

    Get a grip.
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  • Have you considered discussing this with your DH?  Lay out what you see, what you would suggest as actions, explain how you are impacted by these things then ask him what he wants to do.  He might not be seeing this as something that affects you in any way.  I have a similar situation with no consequences for failures in school and as a result SS will likely not graduate this year.  Two years ago I put a lot of energy into helping SS (that was his sophomore year and I felt if things didn't improve then they never would).  I got zero support from DH and BM continued to totally slack off (BM is custodial and we live an hour and a half away).  With neither parent driving "what homework do you have" and "what tutoring do you need this week" it was pretty futile for me to spend time every other weekend working with SS. 

    That led me to step back.  I let DH know what items are deal  breakers for me....and DH has stuck to that - DH had a choice - parent or don't.  And if the choice is not to, there are some things I will not tolerate in my home (as an example, SS only said very negative things about education and there are 4 other children here... he would say "people who do homework are stupid" and "no one needs to graduate from HS".)  This is the polar opposite of how DH and I parent in this house.  DH has just somewhat given up - he used to try, got frustrated by BM's maternal gatekeeping and it was too late by the time I tried to step in. 

    So your role might be to just be hands off and limit the impact on your home.  Depends on how far out of control SS spins, and how DH reacts when you discuss these things with him.

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  • imageSamiantha101:
    Maybe it's none of your concern what his mother bought him for his birthday. It sounds like you have control issues.

    I agree with this. It sounds like you need to let go of some of the responsibility and bitterness you feel towards SS and his parents. Eventually that bitterness is going to show and can turn into resentment.

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  • imageMelRC117:

    imageSamiantha101:
    I sincerely hope you're not the one helping the boy with his English homework.

    Anyhow, it sounds like any drama there may have been, you have found a way to magnify it.

    Get a grip.

    What would you do if you caught your SS in the house smoking pot...the same house your 7 month old daughter was in?  Doubt you'd have a grip.



    Oh, I would absolutely blow up and start placing blame on everybody else. I would also criticize my dh and bm's parenting. I would then make a bunch of online threads about it. I would follow through and punish the child by withholding haircuts.

    Cray cray!!!!!
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  • imageSamiantha101:
    imageMelRC117:

    imageSamiantha101:
    I sincerely hope you're not the one helping the boy with his English homework. Anyhow, it sounds like any drama there may have been, you have found a way to magnify it. Get a grip.

    What would you do if you caught your SS in the house smoking pot...the same house your 7 month old daughter was in?  Doubt you'd have a grip.

    Oh, I would absolutely blow up and start placing blame on everybody else. I would also criticize my dh and bm's parenting. I would then make a bunch of online threads about it. I would follow through and punish the child by withholding haircuts. Cray cray!!!!!

    I agree with PP that you were being a little snarky but seriously the above made me LOL.....funny stuff. 

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  • It is her business if her stepkid is using the 400 to buy drugs.

    I do however think that you need to have a serious conversation with DH about how you are willing to live and what you will put up with and how you will allow your kids to live. If you are the only one parenting this child I can promise you that your marriage will not last in the long run, you might hold out for years but you will not be happy. And you cannot raise your DD in a house if her stepbrother is not held accountable for doing drugs, and in your home and I know it is harder for you since he does not live with you fulltime.

    I cannot imagine how I could still be with my DH if he was not willing to put his foot down when SD went down this path.
    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
  • I completely get where your frustration and anger are coming from because your husband is doing the same thing mine is - not parenting.  So you are doing it.

    I know this is going to be hard for you to do, but you need to stop doing all the work for your husband and BM.  You need to put the pressure on your husband to either start parenting and holding his son accountable, or there will be consequences. That's going to be hard, because you only get him every other weekend, but you H needs to be more involved with his kid - especially now there is a problem.

    I did the same thing you did. I thought I could wrangle his kids into shape. I was the parent that laid down the law and spoke up the loudest when one of them screwed up. It got me nowhere. Absolutely NO WHERE.  And then I was the b*tch step[ mother and so stressed out and angry. It became one of several reasons my divorce ended. I didn't hold my H accountable in dealing with his kids and I made it so easy for him to step back when I stood up and took control.

    So stop it.  If the kid screws up and falls - fine.  He's going to anyway because his parents - not you - are not stepping up.  He's not going to listen to his step mom. It's going to have to come from both parents.  So you're wasting your breath. Guide, consult, advise your husband and have his back on things that are appropriate, and clearly let him knwo what you disagree with, but you need to step back and let H do the work.  Let go.

    I also suggest you give your H clear consequences if he does not start stepping up and parenting his son responsibly.  He's spoiled his kid, now he's going to have to deal with the consequences of that. 

    It will be hard to watch, but trust me - your squawking and making all the effort while those two do nothing - isn't going to make much impact.

    So stop. Make yourself and your little girl priority and take care of yourself and her.   

    "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
  • FYI- I type fast and make erros:(

    We have full custody of this kid. He goes to his mothers on the weekends. 

    It's just hard for me to see a teen have so free reign of everything and then have the parents look at me and ask "Why? I don't understand why his grades are so bad. How did he get pot?"

    I feel that if they or we have invested time on enforcing rules, expectations and consequences both good and bad, the issues may not have gotten so bad.  The boy barely graduated Jr high sober. Let's see how he gets through high school stoned.  ----He only graduated JR. High because I took it upon myself to ensure he turned in HW and made an effort after seeing him fail miserably.  I refused to let my stepson fail. I refuse to watch anybody fail and will do what I can to stop help.

    About the haircut-- the boy is very vain so denying haircuts was something I just thought of to get him to think about his actions.  He can always grow his hair out.

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  • Also--- the boy has made a lot of prorgess in becoming more responsible with all of us being on the same page and holding him accountable. But it seems like this year everyone got too comfortable and have let things go.  We shall see where this goes

     THANK YOU ALL FOR THE FEEDBACK AND 2cents.

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  • It's a hard situation to be in but sometimes the best solution is to let the child Fail.  There is only so much begging, pleaing and offering your help you can humanly do before other people take accountability for their actions.

    I have a slacker of a step son  (he does not do drugs though) but he is super into his video games to the point where his school  is suffering large and we get tons of phone calls home that he is close to failing and he misses sooooo many days of school.   He lives with his mom full time and us on weekends.  They both tried intervening and going to school, getting tutors and what not.  Its helps for a bit but the cycle continues.  We are letting him fail now to hopefully provide a wake up call to him. 

  • imageValeriam:

    FYI- I type fast and make erros:(

    We have full custody of this kid. He goes to his mothers on the weekends. 

    It's just hard for me to see a teen have so free reign of everything and then have the parents look at me and ask "Why? I don't understand why his grades are so bad. How did he get pot?"

    I feel that if they or we have invested time on enforcing rules, expectations and consequences both good and bad, the issues may not have gotten so bad.  The boy barely graduated Jr high sober. Let's see how he gets through high school stoned.  ----He only graduated JR. High because I took it upon myself to ensure he turned in HW and made an effort after seeing him fail miserably.  I refused to let my stepson fail. I refuse to watch anybody fail and will do what I can to stop help.

    About the haircut-- the boy is very vain so denying haircuts was something I just thought of to get him to think about his actions.  He can always grow his hair out.

    I hope you stick around on this board - good or bad - no matter what happens. Because I want to know what happens. If you can be the one to make this work for you - good luck. Maybe I'm jaded, but I think you all are in denial.

    For some reason I thought you got him on weekends. It's good that you have custody but I still say your H needs to step up and be the enforcer. Not you.

    Another thing I learned - kids don't respect their parents if the step parent does all the work. Your husband needs to realize this. It's really part of the problem. He knows his dad more than likely will not do anything or will start slacking off on the discipline. I gurantee it.

    "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
  • image+just+j+:
    imageValeriam:

    FYI- I type fast and make erros:(

    We have full custody of this kid. He goes to his mothers on the weekends. 

    It's just hard for me to see a teen have so free reign of everything and then have the parents look at me and ask "Why? I don't understand why his grades are so bad. How did he get pot?"

    I feel that if they or we have invested time on enforcing rules, expectations and consequences both good and bad, the issues may not have gotten so bad.  The boy barely graduated Jr high sober. Let's see how he gets through high school stoned.  ----He only graduated JR. High because I took it upon myself to ensure he turned in HW and made an effort after seeing him fail miserably.  I refused to let my stepson fail. I refuse to watch anybody fail and will do what I can to stop help.

    About the haircut-- the boy is very vain so denying haircuts was something I just thought of to get him to think about his actions.  He can always grow his hair out.

    I hope you stick around on this board - good or bad - no matter what happens. Because I want to know what happens. If you can be the one to make this work for you - good luck. Maybe I'm jaded, but I think you all are in denial.

    For some reason I thought you got him on weekends. It's good that you have custody but I still say your H needs to step up and be the enforcer. Not you.

    Another thing I learned - kids don't respect their parents if the step parent does all the work. Your husband needs to realize this. It's really part of the problem. He knows his dad more than likely will not do anything or will start slacking off on the discipline. I gurantee it.

    Thanks-- I do like the board. It helps to see and  hear different perspectives. I agree on having my H be the enforcer. I actually haven't even mentioned anything to my stepson about what happened. I did remind my husband that he should enforce what we said we were going to do and he is on the boys mom about it too. They seem like they have woken up a bit and have realized that grounding the child doesn't give the msg that they don't love him and in fact shows the opposite. I think they are seeing that grounding him and talking to him to correct something for his own good is indeed because they love him and have his best interest in mind. That was a big epiphany for my husband recently with dealing with grades and now this.  He was always so worried about the boy getting mad and offended by him that he never enforced any thing so the boy didn't get hurt.  Also- we have him the majority of the time. The mom is a nurse so working days differ. Especially now that she has to be at the house with him and not allow him to stay there while she works. 

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  • imageSamiantha101:
    imageMelRC117:

    imageSamiantha101:
    I sincerely hope you're not the one helping the boy with his English homework. Anyhow, it sounds like any drama there may have been, you have found a way to magnify it. Get a grip.

    What would you do if you caught your SS in the house smoking pot...the same house your 7 month old daughter was in?  Doubt you'd have a grip.

    Oh, I would absolutely blow up and start placing blame on everybody else. I would also criticize my dh and bm's parenting. I would then make a bunch of online threads about it. I would follow through and punish the child by withholding haircuts. Cray cray!!!!!

    I think you're insane, Sam, and quite bitter yourself over something if you're randomly attacking posters with valid concerns.

    Stay at home mom to a house of boys: two amazing stepsons, 12 and 9, and our 4 year old.
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