What's yours is mine?

FutureMrsWittig

Ok, help. Every time I see SDs little sister (at least once a week, sometimes more) she's wearing SDs clothes. Not that big of a deal I guess but she stains them and tears them up, which is frustrating because DH and I provide nearly all of SDs clothes. But I can get over that.

What I can't get over is SD telling me that the brand new underwear we bought her is being worn by her little sis at her mom's house. WTH?

Tell it to me straight. Am I overreacting? I know they're sisters, so some clothes sharing is going to happen. But my mama taught me that sharing underwear is gross. I'm upset and I don't really know what to do. Is this one of those "her house her decision" kind of things or does my H need to talk to her? Or does he need to talk to the lawyer? Or do I just need to start putting underwear in SDs book bag and telling her to wear them and bring them home with her to be washed?

awesomenus1341

I would be grossed out, but I kinda feel like it's one of those her house, her rules things. We don't send SS home in clothes from our house, period. We get him EOWE and we send him home Sunday in whatever he came in Friday night, including underwear from mom's house, which means yes, he changes all of his clothes Sunday afternoon, after nap and play time and dinner, before going back to mom's (I wash everything Friday night when he undresses to take a bath). Grandma and Grandpa, who he (and mom, and uncle, and cousin) lives with, are expecting a baby boy any day now, so I expect there will be a lot of sharing of clothes in the next several years. Once he gets old enough, I am sure clothes will go back and forth more, but our CO specifically says anything that comes from one parent's house is to be returned to that parent's house to stay, we include clothing in with that.

Amanda88

It's gross to share undies. SD may have brought that up because she doesn't like sharing her NEW undies with her little sister. You may have DH bring it up to BM because I doubt your SD would have brought it up if it weren't weighing on her.

That is a frustrating situation. You are providing clothes for SD not her little sister. Clothes are so expensive now, and kids are rough on them by themselves let alone two kids wearing them. If it gets to the point where it is a constant issue I would just keep your wardrobe at your home and have one outfit that goes to mom's house. That way it's less stress all around. 

happywife2b

This is a red flag. It sounds to me (without knowing the full story, just what's posted) that mom isn't providing the adequate clothing to lil sis, and is using your provisions to clothe both children. Is this a possibility? Do you believe, objectively, that she would do this out of need? Yes, I would encourage Hubby to sit down with her (not with you, though I'm sure you can help him prep at home) and discuss it. I bet you could help him formulate a few strategies and role play the convo ahead of time so it goes as smoothly as possible and she doesn't feel attacked.

FutureMrsWittig

happywife2b:

This is a red flag. It sounds to me (without knowing the full story, just what's posted) that mom isn't providing the adequate clothing to lil sis, and is using your provisions to clothe both children. Is this a possibility? Do you believe, objectively, that she would do this out of need? Yes, I would encourage Hubby to sit down with her (not with you, though I'm sure you can help him prep at home) and discuss it. I bet you could help him formulate a few strategies and role play the convo ahead of time so it goes as smoothly as possible and she doesn't feel attacked.

It's possible.  One frustrating thing is that SDs sister is 4 and a half years younger than SD.  So nowhere close to the same size. But I do recognize that BMs family struggles financially.  So when SD outgrows her close I usually send a few (6-10) outfits to BMs just for little sister.  But little sister is consistently wearing (and tearing up) clothes that still fit SD right now.   And SD ends up coming home in old clothes that don't fit properly, and occasionally in someone else's underwear.  I don't know if they are sharing a dresser or what.

I definitely wouldn't take part in the conversation if it happened.  But I'm pretty sure no matter how it was phrased BM would get defensive....

FutureMrsWittig

Amanda88:

It's gross to share undies. SD may have brought that up because she doesn't like sharing her NEW undies with her little sister. You may have DH bring it up to BM because I doubt your SD would have brought it up if it weren't weighing on her.

That is a frustrating situation. You are providing clothes for SD not her little sister. Clothes are so expensive now, and kids are rough on them by themselves let alone two kids wearing them. If it gets to the point where it is a constant issue I would just keep your wardrobe at your home and have one outfit that goes to mom's house. That way it's less stress all around. 

SD was mad that her sister was being allowed to wear her underwear.  That's why she brought it up to me. 

And the clothes, while frustrating, aren't a huge deal to us, more a minor irritation.  We buy a lot of consigned clothes anyway because the kids grow so much so fast.  But the underwear thing is just icky.  And even if we send her in the same outfit she came home in, she's often coming home in little sister's too-small underwear because that's all that was clean.  Meaning her sister has worn the 6 or 8 pairs we sent to BMs house for SD.  Bleh.

2chatter

As long as the undies are washed properly I would let that go - you cannot fix that (it grosses me out more to think of dirty underwear in backpacks).

The real issue is universal clothes sharing with little sister.  Depending on SD's age you may be able to teach her to do her own laundry, or put up her own clothes, at BMs.  Would sending a bag in which she can keep her clothes be something that would set BM off?  It's hard not having control in the other house.

FutureMrsWittig

2chatter:

As long as the undies are washed properly I would let that go - you cannot fix that (it grosses me out more to think of dirty underwear in backpacks).

The real issue is universal clothes sharing with little sister.  Depending on SD's age you may be able to teach her to do her own laundry, or put up her own clothes, at BMs.  Would sending a bag in which she can keep her clothes be something that would set BM off?  It's hard not having control in the other house.

Hadn't considered that.  Very good point. 

It might set her off to send a bag.  Hard to say.  I've always been of the mind that SDs clothes are hers and she should be able to wear them to both houses freely.  But I'm about to throw up my hands and just start washing and returning her in exactly what she comes home in...  Because it feels like once they enter that house the clothes cease to be SDs property anymore and instead become community property.

FutureMrsWittig

MelRC117:

I would only send SD to BM's house with more used clothes.  We do that with SS, however not sure how that would get to work out if it was every other day kind of thing.

I think sharing underwear with anyone is kinda gross and kinda weird.  Im sure its washed but something about it....almost like using someone else's toothbrush.  Honestly in a bind I could see it, like somehow SD's mom didn't get wash done, but it sounds like its pretty consistent.

We send a big bag of clothes for SD over to BMs about 2-3 times a year so she'll have clothes that fit there.  Kinda feeling the need to throw up my hands and say screw it and just not do that anymore. 

CFjo2010

I'm a bit torn on this issue.  Bear with me while I explain my conflict...

As the little sister (my sisters are 5 and 7 years older than me) I completely idolized my sisters growing up.  I wanted to be just like them and wear what they wore.  I remember being in 3rd grade and "borrowing" my sister's jacket that was easily 4 sizes too big and wearing it to school.  When my sisters got new clothes and I had first dibs on what they were getting rid of, I jumped on practically everything.  My mom would try and tell me the stuff was too big for me but I didn't care.  Looking back, people probably thought my parents didn't buy me clothes that fit properly.  

K (who is 2 years younger than my daughter) does the same thing I did with my sisters.  When my daughter gets new clothes K automatically asks what R is getting rid of, and oftentimes tells R, "When that doesn't fit you anymore it's mine".  I cannot tell you how many times K has worn a pair of R's shorts that are clearly too big for her.  We try and limit K wearing this stuff because it doesn't fit properly, but K loves it.  It makes her feel more like R's peer, and less like her little sister.  Thankfully we've gotten K to start only wearing the clothes that are too big on the weekend, but for awhile she was wearing it all the time.

The underwear thing though is pretty gross.  I am in complete agreement with you on that one.  That really needs to stop.  But I think putting underwear in SD's backpack to wear and bring back to your place isn't the right way to handle it.  It might make SD feel like she has to do that with all her clothes, and that's a lot of pressure to put on a child. 

That being said, without knowing for sure what is going on at BM's, maybe have DH bring it up.  Have him do it in a non-argumentative way such as, "I think it's great that SD's sister looks up to her so much and wants to dress like her.  When SD grows out of stuff do you want me to set it aside for her sister?".  If the subject is broached in a neutral almost playful way, BM might be more willing to discuss what's going on.  Who knows, it might be a simple case of the sister wanting to emulate SD.  Or, maybe there is a financial problem right now at BM's.  If it's a financial problem, maybe there are some clothes that no longer fit or are getting close to no longer fitting that SD can "share" with her little sister.

FutureMrsWittig

jobalchak:

That being said, without knowing for sure what is going on at BM's, maybe have DH bring it up.  Have him do it in a non-argumentative way such as, "I think it's great that SD's sister looks up to her so much and wants to dress like her.  When SD grows out of stuff do you want me to set it aside for her sister?".  If the subject is broached in a neutral almost playful way, BM might be more willing to discuss what's going on.  Who knows, it might be a simple case of the sister wanting to emulate SD.  Or, maybe there is a financial problem right now at BM's.  If it's a financial problem, maybe there are some clothes that no longer fit or are getting close to no longer fitting that SD can "share" with her little sister.

BM has nothing but financial problems.  And when SD grows out of her clothes I do send some of them BMs way for little sis.  My DD is so much younger it will be years before she can use them and I don't want to worry about storing them so it's kind of a win for me too.

I'm sure there is something to SDs little sister looking up to her and wanting to dress like her.  SD is the same way.  My MIL kept some of her DD's (SDs aunt's) clothes and SD loves to wear them!

happywife2b

I believe someone else mentioned this, but you have the legal right to expect everything you send to return in the same condition. Clothes, too. So yes, maybe it's time to start sending her back in exactly what she arrived in and keep the clothes you guys buy for her at your house. Maybe the only extras you send her back with are extra undies, since sharing those is a hygiene issue.