50/50

sld5711

Do any of you have 50/50 custody?  How do your children deal with this arrangement? We have my SD(5) every other week with the exchange of Fridays at her school.  If we meet else where it normally involves alot of tears and she doesn?t want to leave the parent that she is with but if it?s at school she is fine to go with whoever is picking her up as long as she knows who its going to be and it doesn?t change (one time her mom was supposed to pick her up and couldn?t get there and my DH had to do it and she lost her mind when she saw him instead of her mom).  Well last night she cried all night long waking up every hour/hour and a half crying.  When my DH first went in there to ask her what?s wrong it was I need to make my bed so I get a treat tomorrow night, then it was my check hurts and I need water, then my DH got frustrated with her because she was just sitting there wailing and then she says I miss you daddy.  This morning he ask her what?s wrong and she says she is just sad, she is always sad and then wouldn?t elaborate from there. I don?t know how to handle or deal with this.  Is it because of her constant changing life and rules and expectations from one house to another or is she just depressed?  I recommended counseling for her because I honestly think she needs and has needed someone to talk to for a while but I am sure my DH and his X will not see it that way.  Am I just in a no win situation and will have to deal with a sad 5 year old? I guess I am just wondering if anyone else is experiencing this or has any suggestions on how to make this situation better? Is it because of the way they are doing custody?  Is there a healthier alternative?  Sorry to continue this long post but yesterday we found out from her teacher that she is being picked on by 3 older boys about her pants always falling down (she is a little on the heavy side but has no waist to hold her pants up so her crack is exposed alot) but when asked about this by both me and my husband she said no one picks on her and everyone is really nice to her.  We are dealing with the pants situation right now but because of things that have happened in the past and last night I am wondering is this what is causing the emotional breakdown or if it?s a deeper issue.  Thanks for reading all this ladies and thanks in advance for all your advice!

new+tothis

I think counseling is always a fine option. The first step is to find out what is actually going on to make her upset. Maybe it's custody but maybe it's something totally different - she could have been overtired, upset about the bullies at school, gotten hungry, missed her mom, etc. There's no way to know unless you explore it. My niece always has her pants falling down too - she's tall and super skinny. I got her a pink sparkly belt and now her pants are usually right where they should be.

As for the bullying at school - I think you really need to address that. Ask her again and this time if she tells you everyone is nice to her explain that you know about 3 older boys teasing her for her pants because of x (teacher told you, you witnessed it, whatever). Sometimes it is hard for kids to talk about it so if you let her know you already know that might help her open up. 

Does she see or talk to the other parent at all during parenting time? If not, maybe it is time to start phone calls or skype sessions to make her feel connected to whatever parent she isn't with at the time.

sld5711

Yeah I think I will bring up the bullying again tonight and see if I can get her to open up.  And its funny that you mentioned the phone call thing.  Her mom and even my husband, in my opinion, are horrible at calling her during the weeks that she isnt with them, and there is very little interaction and sometime no interaction between them during those weeks.  But last night she talk to both her mom and my husband because he was working nights and that was very out of the ordinary for her to talk to both and actually be very talkative.  Normally she says about 2 words to both of them and then its just silence but last night she was absolutely giddy to talk to them. Maybe talking to them both set her off?  I just dont know but I will most certainly try to probe more into this bullying situation.

lb1212

I think it's always a good idea to give kids someone neutral to talk to, especially after a divorce, so a therapist wouldn't be a bad idea.

When SD was 6-7, leaving to take her home frequently led an emotional breakdown for her. It only lasted about 6 months though. I introduced a "stricter" routine for the last few hours before she left and that seamed to calm her anxieties.

It sounds like SD had a really rough day and then to top it off, her "routine" was adjusted. I would watch her over the next few weeks and make sure the "up all night crying" doesn't become a habit.

In terms of the bullying, at 5 she might not clue in that the older boys are being mean or view their behavior as bullying. When you talk to her about it again, instead of asking her if she's being bullied, ask her how she felt when they made comments about her pants.

dmndsr4eva

Children need stability.  It is very hard for children to constantly adjust to their living condition I'm sure.  How would you like to live in a different house every other week?  That would be hard for an adult much less a young child.  And it is especially hard if the parents are fighting.  And it is hard for a child to be away from the other parent especially for 6-7 days at a time.  That is why I am pushing to have my son to live primarily with me and visit his father.  My son just turned 3 and he spend 7.5 days a month with his dad and even that I think is rough on him. I notice that he seems like he is acting out because he is having difficulty adjusting when he transition households.

I think counseling might help her also your H might consider a different schedule where his daughter has more consistency in her routine.  Maybe doing one or two dinner visits so that she isn't away from each parent for such a long stretch of time?

Also, it sounds like you grew up with married parents?  I grew up in a divorced family and I can tell you it NEVER gets easy.  I will spend my entire life with the void left from my parents being divorced.  It is a very difficult thing to grow up constantly missing one parent.  I saw it in my ex's daughters too.  Her parents divorced when she was 3.5 years old.  For her 15th birthday we all went out to dinner with her mom and her dad and other family members.  At the end of the dinner she started crying uncontrollably and told her Dad that she needed him to love her more and that she misses him and that he doesn't love her.  This was I assume because I was pregnant at the time and she was feeling conflicted over her dad starting a new family with me (which also failed BTW). The hurt from growing up in a divorced family never goes away.

sld5711

Thank you ladies! And thank you lb1212 I guess I never thought that she is probably not really putting 2 and 2 together about this situation and maybe if I word it differently or approach it differently we can at least get to the problem with the bullying.  The more and more I think about it the more I am starting to think that talking to both parents last night might have been what set her off.  I honestly cant remember the last time she talked to both parents and was actually excited to be calling both of them.  I personally would like to make this more of a habit for both of them but I cant force 2 adults to do anything.  I have always hated the arrangement that they have because it not only affects her life because nothing is ever consistant it affects our lives too because our schedules are constantly changing.  I am hoping that maybe once she goes to kindergarten that her teacher or counsler at school will say something that will make them realize that this custody that they have may work for others but isnt the best for her.  Again thank you for all your opinions and help!

Sigir

Sounds like you got good advice [well except diamonds ]. I jut wanted to add about the pants. My dd is like your sd... A little heavy and w a crack problem. We bought a supply of very cute and cool longer tunic type tops. That is another option.

sld5711

Where did you get those tops?  I am in the market for longer tops too but didnt want to just buy the next size up because then the arms would be super long!

sld5711

LOL I just re-read what I wrote and completely understand how you thought that! I have my butt crack issue under control haha.  Belts and jeans with high backs are this plump booty girl's best friend!

dmndsr4eva

Sigir:

Sounds like you got good advice [well except diamonds ]. I jut wanted to add about the pants. My dd is like your sd... A little heavy and w a crack problem. We bought a supply of very cute and cool longer tunic type tops. That is another option.

 According to you all no matter what age the child or what the circumstances it should always be 50/50.  You all refuse to accept that 50/50 may not always be what is best for the child.  I have always maintained that the child should have a relationship with both parents but it doesn't have to be a 50/50 situation to accomplish this.  A child is a person not a piece of property that you can split in half right down the middle. 

SimpleJane

When we got divorced and started discussing custody, the lawyer I spoke to said it was highly unusual for a judge to agree to a five year old doing a week on, week off schedule. It's rough on a child that young because they are still building a relationship with each parent. They told us shorter periods of time like a 3443 schedule, or once they are in school maybe a 5225 schedule.

We followed the three days with dad, four with mom, four with dad, three with mom, schedule for a while but it was confusing for the kids. We changed it starting in September to four days with mom, three with dad, same days every week. The kids are thriving on this schedule and always know which parent gets them on which days, still have pretty much even time with us, and don't go long with out seeing either one of us. I know my kids would ha e a hard time going a week without seeing me or XH.

Look into some therapy for SD, talk to her about bullying, and keep a close eye on that. Also, maybe BM and YH need to sit down and discuss if this arrangement is working the best it can for SD or if changing the schedule might help ease some of her anxieties.

mom2one

dmndsr4eva:

Children need stability.  It is very hard for children to constantly adjust to their living condition I'm sure.  How would you like to live in a different house every other week?  That would be hard for an adult much less a young child.  And it is especially hard if the parents are fighting.  And it is hard for a child to be away from the other parent especially for 6-7 days at a time.  That is why I am pushing to have my son to live primarily with me and visit his father.  My son just turned 3 and he spend 7.5 days a month with his dad and even that I think is rough on him.

 

How many days does your son go without seeing his father? I think it's like 9 isn't it? 

Ooglybear

...

sweetdreamz6700

We also have SS's on a 50/50 schedule; exchanges on Sunday night. It works very well for us. SS's are now 8 and 10 (next week! eee!) and we've had this schedule for 2.5 yrs now. Yes, at first it was a bit of a struggle, esp. w/ the youngest. We discussed concentrating on how much fun they were having at the house they were at instead of focusing on how much they missed the other parent. Both FI and BM committed to this and it worked well. Within a few weeks there were no more tears. Now exchanges are drama free. The boys are excited to be going to Mommy or Daddy's house. I will say that it is probably easier that they always have each other to rely on.

Sigir

dmndsr4eva:

Sigir:

Sounds like you got good advice [well except diamonds ]. I jut wanted to add about the pants. My dd is like your sd... A little heavy and w a crack problem. We bought a supply of very cute and cool longer tunic type tops. That is another option.

 According to you all no matter what age the child or what the circumstances it should always be 50/50.  You all refuse to accept that 50/50 may not always be what is best for the child.  I have always maintained that the child should have a relationship with both parents but it doesn't have to be a 50/50 situation to accomplish this.  A child is a person not a piece of property that you can split in half right down the middle. 

Wow, all in all I have always been one of your defenders on this board but this comment def has me rethinking that since you are talking crazy. I never said 50 50 is best for every child. I don't have 50 50 w my exh bc it's not best for my child. So you really have no clue what you are talking about.

The bad advice frm you I was referring to was just your projection of your own baggage onto the op's situation.

Sigir

sld5711:

Where did you get those tops?nbsp; I am in the market for longer tops too but didnt want to just buy the next size up because then the arms would be super long!

Kohls and target. Good luck!

CFjo2010

dmndsr4eva:

Sigir:

Sounds like you got good advice [well except diamonds ]. I jut wanted to add about the pants. My dd is like your sd... A little heavy and w a crack problem. We bought a supply of very cute and cool longer tunic type tops. That is another option.

 According to you all no matter what age the child or what the circumstances it should always be 50/50.  You all refuse to accept that 50/50 may not always be what is best for the child.  I have always maintained that the child should have a relationship with both parents but it doesn't have to be a 50/50 situation to accomplish this.  A child is a person not a piece of property that you can split in half right down the middle. 

A child is also not a piece of property that you can withhold from the other parent except for the 7.5 days a month you so graciously give. How is your son going to establish a relationship with his father if he only sees him 7 days a month?

dmndsr4eva

mom2one:

dmndsr4eva:

Children need stability.  It is very hard for children to constantly adjust to their living condition I'm sure.  How would you like to live in a different house every other week?  That would be hard for an adult much less a young child.  And it is especially hard if the parents are fighting.  And it is hard for a child to be away from the other parent especially for 6-7 days at a time.  That is why I am pushing to have my son to live primarily with me and visit his father.  My son just turned 3 and he spend 7.5 days a month with his dad and even that I think is rough on him.

How many days does your son go without seeing his father? I think it's like 9 isn't it? 

My point was for people in her situation who apparently live in the same town/close distance.  I do not live in the same town as BF thus the reason we have a different schedule than a blended family who live in the same area.  We used to have a different schedule and everyone involved including BF decided the the constant driving back and forth was not working.

LoveActually4

We have 50/50 with a Friday exchange at school.

We are currently having similar issues with SS he is a very young 11. In our experience, talking and seeing the other parent during his week makes things worse. He gets very upset and wants to change houses happens both ways. It can be very traumatic.

It can be hard on kids, regardless of age, arrangement, etc. Our kids still tend to become withdrawn, sad and angry on drop off day. It's an emotional time. We also tried counseling, didn't work wonders for us but I think everyone should at least try.

Good luck, sorry I don't have a lot of advice, just empathy! It's hard watching them struggle.