Getting dad to understand

SingleMom31

My SO has been great for the most part, and he really loves DD. but, he doesn't get how much work she is or how lonely it can sometimes be.

Take yesterday... When she cried at 4:30, I got up to nurse and he slept. DD and I both nodded off while nursing, but I didn't get get a nap after that bc she'd cry whenever I put her down. When he got home from work at 4:30, he wanted to work on the basement... His project that I could care less about. Fine. Then we ate dinner, and he did hold DD for me to eat. After dinner, I wanted him to take her so I could shower and he asked me why I hadn't earlier... Um, bc she's been crying all day if I put her down? So he takes her and I shower. Once I'm done, he tells me that she wants mom, so I take her back to nurse. Finally, we get to about 9 and he takes her to give her her last bottle and put her down, and I pump so that he'll have a bottle tomorrow night. After that, I finish the baby laundry and clean up the kitchen. Finally, I lay down in bed and wait for him. Daddy time total was maybe 3 hours. Mom personal time was about 45 minutes for the day.

When he came to bed, he's like, 'You just have to put her down and then you can have some time to yourself.' In theory, I agree, but I'm not going to enjoy my book if she's screaming. He doesn't get that some days just don't go like that. Any suggestions other than leave him here for a day with her by himself?

steph3486

I left her with him for four hours one night while I went out.. that was all my DH needed to be convinced. Lol

JessAnnJ

While I'm very disappointed that breastfeeding didn't go as planned and I'm pumping and supplementing with formula instead of breastfeeding I can definitely say my husband understands because he has been helping with her from the beginning. Maybe you just have to flat out say that you need a break of x amount of time each evening. Tell him you understand that he works all day but taking care of a baby is a different kind of work and you need a break for your sanity.

kerbear135

Tell him what you told us...most likely he just doesn't know that you want more help. I had to have a similar talk with DH right after he went back to work- he'd come home and go about his evening like he did before we had a baby, meanwhile i'd be holding, entertaining, and feeding her like i'd been doing all day. After I explained to him that I needed help, and gave him some specific examples of the kind of help I want from him, he has done MUCH better to make sure he gives me a break in the evenings, and spends time with his daughter too. GL!

st.augbride

Have you tried using a baby carrier so that you can hold her and have free hands to do other things? Dd let's me use mine for the most part which helps me have waaay more me time, though ds never did and we both had to hold him nonstop. It's interesting b/c with ds I had to EP since he couldn't latch, so dh and I both were on all the time between stressful feeds (he was/is a terrible eater) and pumping round the clock. With dd, I am thankfully able to BF, so all feeds and hence all night stuff is on me. I hold her almost all day and all night since she won't consistently sleep on her own. Dh willingly holds her for me when I need him to (about 2 hrs per day), but that's really it. My dh would do more if needed, but the truth is that I have the boobs and that's what she wants in order to stop screaming usually. So it's definitely harder on me this round which isn't dh's fault, however, compared to what we went through with ds, it feels like a breeze.

dandlelyon

Former Dec 12 mom turned Nov mom that accidentally clicked on her old BMB. 

Anyway... I just wanted to offer another thought to help your situation:  Have you tried using a baby carrier?  When my LO just wants to be held, I pop her in the Ergo and then I have two hands to do things I'd like to do.  Often tmes she falls asleep and I can even slip her out of it and catch a quick shower.

Regarding Dad... guys just don't get it.  But I do agree with PP that being direct usually works best.

Best of luck.

MommaAmers

I could have pretty much written this post about my DH when we had DS.  Fortunately, with time he did start to get it and this time around he is much more helpful.  I don't really have a suggestion other than hang in there.  It will get better.

raraavis28

DH has been a big help and loves the boys to pieces but last weekend I left them w/ him for an hour to go to church. I got a text by the end saying "Omg how do you do this all day??" Lol.I feel like guys just don't have the concept until they walk a mile....or even just around the block....in our shoes.

Also ditto pp's suggestion about the baby carrier. I swear my Moby wrap has magical powers; I put screaming LO in it and within minutes he's out for hours!

RissKay

peanutrach1:

Unfortunately, I don't have much advice. I just wanted to tell you that there are others in your situation...me. I am home on maternity leave for one more month and DH went back to work after 3 weeks. When he comes home from work he takes the dog out, changes, plays on his iPad, eats and watches tv. It's like nothing has changed. If I give her to him he usually puts her down and continues to play on the iPad or watch tv. I wish he would interact with her more but he thinks that all she does is cry and wants her mommy. It is true that she does cry a lot in the evenings (she is much better earlier in the day) and I usually can settle her down for the most part. He just tries to rock her quickly and gives up. When I ask him if he walked her around (which she likes) he gets offended and just hands her to me. Don't get me wrong, he is a wonderful man and I know he loves us. I think he is just lost. I am hoping that it will get better when she is a bit more interactive and doesn't scream as much. He is much better at playing than I am (he has a more vivid imagination) so I am hoping that will make the difference. It has to b/c it's gonna get hard when I go back to work and I can't do everything myself. Ok now I see this has become a long rant...sorry. Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I wish the both of us the best of luck!

Woah. Are y'all in my house? These issues are the same exact ones I'm dealing with with my DH. He's great with DS, but his "daddy time" consists of him sitting on the couch messing with his iPad with DS laying next to him on a pillow or on DH's lap. I figured that I'm solely with DS 40 hours a week by day and another 20-30 at night. Mama needs a break. However, I'm tired of asking for one, because DH will usually say that I should just let DS cry or put him down or w/e during the day so that I can do stuff. Yeah, hun. I'd like to see YOU deal with a baby all freakin day AND night.

Talk to DH. I'm trying to, and he's coming around little by little. He genuinely just hasn't seen all of the extra work that goes in to caring for a baby.