Being a Partner in 2ww

doodah1013

So... A and I had our first iui a week ago. I feel like we did REALLY well the first week. I was able to put my stress on hold and really be supportive and even keel. This week I feel has been harder to mask my feelings of concern. Obviously, I don't want to stress A out because she could possibly be making a baby inside of her, and I know the importance of fostering a stress free atmosphere.... But I also don't know how to outlet my own stress about the unknown and undefined future... I come by anxiety from a long line of anxious people.
I am not sure how to be honest with A, while giving her the support she needs and moreover deserves.
So one side of me feels like it will be okay no matter what which it will be, because we are so blessed to have each other, and then there is the other side that feels like every second I want to ask, how are you feeling? What does that mean? What is your temperature? Does this make you feel nauseous?, etc.

I just want to do what is the best for our collective mental health... Suggestions and guidance are welcomed!

only1leia

I know how you feel, except my DP is pregnant.  She's not always the best at expressing herself, so I try to ask how she's feeling.  I guess what helps me (and probably her, too) is instead of stressing over how she feels and making a huge deal, I just try doing nice things for her so she might say stuff like "thanks for the water, I've been really thirsty" or whatever.  I bet your partner is nervous, too, and if she's feeling weird she might say so.  My DP didn't seem to talk about symptoms or how she was until after we had our first ultrasound.  Good luck!!

 

polyhymnia23

Okay, I'm not pregnant (yet) but I have to say that after my IUI I would absolutely love it if my wife asked how I was and asked any other questions. We have a very open communication and I want to know that she is as invested as possible. I think what you are doing is great, and I am sure she completely appreciates how sensitive you are being!! Just be there for her, let her know how much you love her and she will love you for it. 

As for your stress level, if you aren't comfortable or don't want to bring your stress in your home, feel free to vent on here! We're here for you! 

damo256

I guess it would be a matter of how your relationship functions under "normal" circumstances. For me, my wife is super in tune with her body and she will often mention when something feels off or when she has an ache or pain that is unusual. If she were pregnant, I would trust that she would communicate any symptoms to me and voice any concerns. I would keep my own anxieties to myself, beyond generally asking her how she feels.

But if it were me that was pregnant, my wife would have to take a complete medical history every time I walked through the door, because as much as I try, I'm not as in tune or as communicative as she is. 

In the end, I think you should follow the instincts that have fostered a healthy and happy relationship thus far, and don't change your MO just because you're TTC.

 

AmandaG47

I think posters above that said it depends on your relationship specifically and your personalities are correct. Here is how my experience went in case it helps: 

 My wife became pregnant in November and I gave this a LOT of thought through the tww and early pregnancy. I got a lot of pressure, even from close friends I would talk to about my own feelings, to make sure to not "stress my wife out." Also, I heard multiple times "I'm sure your wife is feeling even more [insert concern or emotion here] because she is the one pregnant."  I ended up a bit of a nervous wreck until I finally talked to her.  Not only did I talk to her about what I was going through, but I talked to her about needing to talk to her and needing her to talk to me about what is going on.  It turned out she completely understood my need for more information and that me holding back and trying to make her experience "less stressful," was making it worse because she could tell I wasn't relaxed.  Also, once we talked openly about both of our experiences, I found I was able to take care of her better and support her specific experiences as a pregnant person more.  Talking and open communication really worked for us because that is how we work normally (and I am REALLY bad at keeping my thoughts and emotions from her, so there really is no point in trying).

Good luck on the tww and I hope it results in your BFP

doodah1013

Thank you to everyone for your support! It is great to hear that it is appropriate to let loose a little bit. A and I have one of the most honest relationships I literally proposed to her the day I got the ring, even though I had a big fancy plan for the proposal, because I couldn't stand keeping the secret. So I think going back to our regular dynamic will actually take a lot of the stress out of the situation.
It is nice to know we have people to talk to about this, because we have told so few people in our "real lives". Thanks for listening!

Manada

As someone who has been through the 2ww twice now (with BFN's) -- I can say that I actually really loved my partner's involvement in it.   We would talk about what might be happening with our egg/sperm/blastocyst/zygote, she would talk to my belly and make me laugh....

The part where it got hard for me was when I was pretty sure I was getting a BFN, and my partner wasn't really sure what to do with that I think.  I was upset, and being pessimistic - and I think she was torn between trying to buoy us with optimism or just support me in my wallowing.   That part was confusing because I wasn't even sure what I wanted anyway.

 

I think just reassurance that your love is there, and that as a couple you're good is a great approach.  And I want to share the experience with my partner as much as possible, so I think a ton of questions to help her know what's going on in my body (whether it just be gas or cramps or whatever) - would be a little way I could feel like we are both involved.

leapgirl8

Just be honest - she knows you, and doesn't think that your emotional needs automatically disappear just b/c she is the one trying to get pregnant. If she needs you to ask less questions, be more optimistic, etc., she will surely let you know.

It also helped me to talk to other people about it - my mom and a few close friends knew we were trying, so I talked to them when I felt like she needed the peace and quiet  

hlke

leapgirl8:

Just be honest - she knows you, and doesn't think that your emotional needs automatically disappear just b/c she is the one trying to get pregnant. If she needs you to ask less questions, be more optimistic, etc., she will surely let you know.

It also helped me to talk to other people about it - my mom and a few close friends knew we were trying, so I talked to them when I felt like she needed the peace and quiet  

Leap is very wise.

I also had a few key friends I could talk to for moments of crazy I didn't feel the need to talk to C about.  Also, know that both your feelings will evolve as you go through this process.  The first TWW is different from the second, and so on.  So open communication is really helpful. 

jofany

My wife is also pregnant, 8 weeks, with our first. I am in the medical field and have been reading and doing a ton of research which, in my case, just makes me more nervous! I always ask how she is and how the baby is, and I can't tell by how she is acting if she is hurting or not feeling well. Other than that, I keep my worries to myself. I lurk on this board and post a lt on the baby bump app which has a place for non biological lesbian mothers. That keeps my mind a little calmer and help my nervous energy. I also don't want to add stress to her, so I have found other people in the same place in life to talk to. Good luck and you have found a place to release your anxiety!