Fianc left me

Jwells1154

Hi, this is my first time being pregnant, I'm 19 and met my fianc well ex about two years ago. We fell in love young, got engaged moved in and got pregnant. He promised he would be here for me and wanted a family. Well our baby started having complications and he started staying at his friends and left me home alone. So this started a huge fight and now he is gone, having fun, and met another girl. He keeps sayin he loves me but can't fix out relationship. He wants to care for the baby but hasn't done anything to yet. How do I get him to grow up and realize he needs to come back so we can be a family? Some people tell me to just stop talking to him and he will come crawling back? Please help

TXSTKGRL

Honey my husband left me after 13 yrs while I was pregnant with our 3rd child. I can tell you I tried everything to make him change his mind and nothing worked. The man has to want to be there. As much as we would like to we can't trick or force them. I would definitely limit communication for that which is required to co parent. If that causes him to come running back then so be it. You have to evaluate your worth and decide if taking him back would be best for you and LO. I know how it feels to want your family together, to look in your child's face and cry wondering how dad could possibly not want to see that face everyday. It's hard and it hurts but it won't hurt you permanently. Focus on you and your child and try not to stress about the rest. Easier said than done. Believe me I know. Good luck

livleen3

That last Post from TXSTKGRL is the best advice.. Im in a similar situation and have not communicated with the guy who knocked me up. I think eventually maybe when the baby is here he may decide to help. But still I cant force him to want it. We are both young and there are men out there that would give us what we deserve so dont push this situation to work. my coworker married the guy who knocked her up and she says it was the worst decision ever. She forced it to work but never did. She always tells me to just see what happens because him not being around could be a blessing. Easier to get over him and move on!

Monkeybird84

My BD has made no effort to contact me or see DS since the day DS was born. I have done everything I can to try to foster some sort of relationship with him for my son's sake, but he seems to have no interest. That's his loss, and his fault. I've done my part within reason, and there's no reason for me to bend over backwards for him. Especially not after having his responsibility as a father held over my head as a bargaining chip for the name he wanted (he didn't get his way, and DS has my last name).

As PP's have said, limit your contact with him to only what is relevant to your pregnancy and LO, after LO arrives. If he's going to run to his friends and another woman at the first sign of complications, he most likely is not the most trustworthy man out there. Or he just got scared at the realization that he's about to be a parent and he's really still a kid himself.

mimimimimiiii

Hi, I'm 23 and BD is the same age as me. He left me while I was at 12 weeks. My friends keep telling me he is still young, he likes to have fun and he wants to do things that he wants. I was so depressed about him leaving me and being mean to me. But now, I finally realized I can't do anything, unless he open his eyes, see the right thing. And what people said is guys don't feel connect to the baby until the baby born and hold him/her. So I stopped talking and seeing him since christmas, hopefully one day he could come back for me or my daughter.

dmndsr4eva

My ex left me for another woman when my son was 1.5 years old.  It is rough but it gets better.  You go through the steps of grieving the loss and you come out stronger and wiser in the end.  You have to look at this as a chance for you to learn and grow and be a better person.  When you experience deep loss you learn to appreciate the little things and you learn how to empathize and help other people going through loss. 

After a year and a half I still struggle with the loss but it does get better with time.  What has really helped me a lot is reading self help books.  Although I wasn't married, I was engaged, I have read several books about divorce and break ups. The insight from experts and other women who have experienced this same pain and lived through it and became stronger because of it is truly encourgaging. 

Books I have read are Spiritual Divorce, Getting Past Your Break Up, How to Survive the Loss of Love, and Runaway Husbands: The Abandoned Wife's Guide to Recovery and Renewal.

I also see a therapist once or twice a month so that I can unload on her because I know my friends and family get tired of hearing my whining...

The thing I struggle with the most is accepting that it is truly over. But once you accept it is over you are free to rebuild your life the way you want it.

 

dmndsr4eva

The other side of it is you will have to deal with him for the rest of your life assuming that the Dad wants to be in your child's life.  You can file for child support when the baby is born.  Also I typically tell ppl not to give the child his last name.  You want for your child to have your last name especially if you are going to be the one taking the child to school and doctors appointments, etc.  Also do not put the dad on the birth certificate.   When your child is a baby you do not need to give the dad over night visits.  If he wants to see the baby for short periods of time on your terms then that is great.  It is good for your child to have a relationship with the father but when the child is young it will probably be best that you are the primary caregiver. 

Don't let him threaten you or bully you.  You deserve child support and most experts/mediators/courts agree that the child is best off spending most time with the mother while they are young.  Especially if you breastfeed you will need to be around your baby as much as possible.

I regret giving my child's father so much visitation time at such a young age and if I could do it over againg I would have tried to limit the visitation time more.  However it is good for my son to have a good relationship with his dad though it is hard for him I think to be passed back and forth so much at a young age. 

Anne1989

At this point, I would progress as a single parent and plan on taking steps to secure the best interests for you and your child. Are you part of a church that may be able to offer counseling? I would plan everything as a single parent.

I think he may have decided he doesn't love you but doesn't want to hurt you so he's feeding you a line he thinks it'll make it easier. "I love you but we can't be together."

utahbaby

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's not easy. I think you may need to start planning for a life without him in the picture. You cannot make him grow up, you cannot make him accept responsibility, you cannot make him want to be a father or part of your little family.

 You also should ask yourself, if this is how he's acting now, when you need his support most, do you really want him to come crawling back? Darlin', there are so many guys out there that would love to take care of you and your child, and will be the man you need him to be.

 I'm going through this myself right now, and I know it's not easy to turn off that wish that the guy you love will have a "Scrooge" moment, suddenly see the light, and be the man you want him to be. But it might not ever happen. I've been with my husband for 8 years, and the day I told him I was pregnant, he told me if I don't terminate the pregnancy, he was leaving. And he's 30. Well, he's left, and frankly it's probably a good thing. You should have the best for your child, and a father that isn't there for the mother is not going to be a happy home.

He may grow up and come around, but in the meantime, focus on what you want for your life, and what you want for your baby. Think long and hard if this is the man you want in your life. If he's acting like this now, what happens when the baby is here, and all the stress/joy that comes with it? Will he still be running away? Have you guys thought about seeing a couples counselor?

Be strong, I'm keeping you in my thoughts!