I <3 DH, BUT.....

NYCGal276

Am I the only one who feels like he will never ever REALLY get it?  :-( 

KMlostek

Not at all!  My DH is supportive but doesn't see a point in going to any of my RE appts with me.  I don't mind going on my own but sometimes the drive alone gives me anxiety and he doesn't understand that.  It is JUST another appt to him.  GL!

NYCGal276

I mean he loves me, and he's supportive in his own way, but he's limited.  And I'm like holding on to each last breath that the doctor gives us, and he's like "it'll happen - I trust the doctor's - just have faith."  And I'm like STFU!  

jfb29

My DH really doesn't understand.  He doesn't get why I get upset and sad when people make comments about their kids and how it must be good BC for us to be around them for example.  All he says when I ask him about IF is that he is sad about it bc I am sad and that he wants kids.  Then there is me - I am sad and angry and frustrated and hopeful yet pessimistic about it all.  I am completely an emotional rollercoaster and he doesn't get it.  He won't go to appts unless they are consults.  I told him he has no option but to be there for the IUI, but we haven't been successful in follie growth for that yet....I just try and remind myself that they are men - they were trained to not understand or respond to emotions.  It isn't his fault - I remind myself of that all the time!

icogburn

You are not alone!!!!  My husband would constantly tell me about woman that came into his work that were 40-43 with their first baby.  How by seeing that, surely it would happen for us if I would just quit stressing.  I told him, while I am happy for them, I am sure they didn't tell you the years it took or the money and procedures. I tried buying him the book, "What to Expect When She is Not Expecting."  But that didn't help much.  I would also get upset because my husband doesn't need sex all the time, so to just get 2 BD days during ovulation was an ordeal.  I think when he finally went with me to the HSG and the RE talked to him, he got it. He still isn't 100%, but is more understanding that he needs to try harder.  Even when he got a bad SA report, his friend told him, "Oh, that happened to me to. Go to the clinic and do it there next time. It will be better." WTH? No one is the same. So my husband didn't even really worry about it.  Sigh, I finally told him that it seemed like he didn't want to have a baby because he wasn't trying and he said he did and it has gotten a tad better.  I tried explaining that if I could quit thinking about it I would. But every time ugly AF rears her head, I am reminded that I didn't get pregnant. So how can I not think about it?  As time progresses and we get further along in this journey, he is becoming more sympathetic. Just try to keep communication open and remember that men think differently than we do.

vpine

Yup, DH thinks I should be drinking herbal teas to relax and that's all I need. He's okay with pursuing fertility treatments but thinks if I just relaxed, that's all we need...(because his sister-cousin-aunt-grandma's daughter in law) went through the same thing and conceived after relaxing....

Mochadoodle

No, you're not alone. I think that it's just a man thing.

I do have to say that DH is very supportive. He prefers to go to my appointments with me. He hasn't missed one yet.

EnglishTeacher30

I understand this.  While my husband wants a baby and knows that I desperately do too, I do not think he understand the magnitude of grief I feel on a daily basis.  You are not alone!

deelopi9

Dh had told me this in the past and it frustrates the living shtt out of me "maybe we're forcing something that's not meant to be". Mind you he's a paramedic/firefighter and I tell him if he can push drugs into someone to help a heart attack situation or overdose, why can't I do the same with giving my ovaries a little boost.

Cara1024

EnglishTeacher30:

I understand this.  While my husband wants a baby and knows that I desperately do too, I do not think he understand the magnitude of grief I feel on a daily basis.  You are not alone!

This exactly. Anytime I get upset lately he looks at me shocked and says "What's wrong!!" I finally yelled at him the other day and said "You know whats wrong. For the rest of my life its going to be the same danm thing." He got mad about this reaction, but he still asked me again the other night what I was crying about. How can he act like he has no clue why I'd be upset these days. It makes me feel like he's not even half as upset as I am if he's always so stunned that I could be upset again. It never goes away for me.

 

LuClo

Yup.  DH 'gets it' and is supportive.  He's had his share of moments when he's overwhelmed and broke down.  But on the day-to-day he doesn't always seem to understand how hard it is to get away from.  

After we decided to do IVF, there was one day when I had to coordinate bloodwork, drug delivery, insurance approval, injection training and time off work (all while at work and trying to get my job done).  I kept pushing him for which day he was available to sign for the delivery and go with me to the class.  He was being non-committal and saw no urgency.  I was getting persistent because we had a very small window to get in for this cycle.  Finally he said I needed to stop making it such a thing and just let it happen.  I. lost. it.  I told him that obviously I want it to "just happen" but for us it is never going to "just happen".  If we wait for it to "just happen" we will never have kids.  This is the boat we're in and if he wants to have children then this is what it takes and he needs to give me a f*cking date.        He's been a little more cautious since then. 

katib77

See, I thought that.  But then the day of my baseline I made an off handed comment and it turned into a huge argument.  In the middle of the argument I realized I had assumed he didn't understand or even feel half as bad as I did.  But the truth is he does.  He just processes anger, pain, and grief - differently.  

I believe men can just compartmentalize so much better.  They're able to "turn off" that part of their thinking.  I wish I had that ability!! How wonderful would that be to just turn off the pain every now and then?  But when he flipped that switch to on OMG it was a flood of anger and sadness.  And that made me just cry even harder to know that he does get it.  It's just in a different way.  

I hate that it took a fight for me to see it.  And yes - you are correct that they don't get how we handle IF.  But they do experience it too, just in a different way. 

scbedi

katib77:

See, I thought that.  But then the day of my baseline I made an off handed comment and it turned into a huge argument.  In the middle of the argument I realized I had assumed he didn't understand or even feel half as bad as I did.  But the truth is he does.  He just processes anger, pain, and grief - differently.  

I believe men can just compartmentalize so much better.  They're able to "turn off" that part of their thinking.  I wish I had that ability!! How wonderful would that be to just turn off the pain every now and then?  But when he flipped that switch to on OMG it was a flood of anger and sadness.  And that made me just cry even harder to know that he does get it.  It's just in a different way.  

I hate that it took a fight for me to see it.  And yes - you are correct that they don't get how we handle IF.  But they do experience it too, just in a different way. 

thanks for this, very good point!

nicole336

I know how you feel. My emotions are too raw right now to elaborate but know that I commiserate.

ksgsmu

Oh do I understand this!!

 

I have had a hard time this week and just needed a little extra love and support this week.  (Ovidrel makes me weepy/bitchy)  and I calmly explained this too him and all he could talk about was how stressed he was at work....

I wanted to kick him.

NYCGal276

LuClo:

Yup.  DH 'gets it' and is supportive.  He's had his share of moments when he's overwhelmed and broke down.  But on the day-to-day he doesn't always seem to understand how hard it is to get away from.  

After we decided to do IVF, there was one day when I had to coordinate bloodwork, drug delivery, insurance approval, injection training and time off work (all while at work and trying to get my job done).  I kept pushing him for which day he was available to sign for the delivery and go with me to the class.  He was being non-committal and saw no urgency.  I was getting persistent because we had a very small window to get in for this cycle.  Finally he said I needed to stop making it such a thing and just let it happen.  I. lost. it.  I told him that obviously I want it to "just happen" but for us it is never going to "just happen".  If we wait for it to "just happen" we will never have kids.  This is the boat we're in and if he wants to have children then this is what it takes and he needs to give me a f*cking date.        He's been a little more cautious since then. 

Thank you to all the ladies, and thank you LuClo - I really identify with "the day-to-day he doesn't understand."   

LuClo

NYCGal276:

Thank you to all the ladies, and thank you LuClo - I really identify with "the day-to-day he doesn't understand."   

There's a lot of value in what Katib said.  At the end of the day, I know DH is impacted and is dealing with his own emotions in his own way.  I know he cares and this is just as important to him as it is to me.  Hell, some days it's more important.  But aside from compartmentalizing emotions, he can get away from it some times and I'm always with my body.  That's what I meant by the day-to-day.  We're both living with IF, but last night while I injected myself he was at the bar with friends.  

EJZigg

I know DH wants a baby too, I just wish he wanted it as much as I did. We've been trying for over 3 years now and we're at the point we need to talk about IVF. Our insurance doesn't cover IVF. I would spend the money for IVF without a second thought, but he doesn't really see the point of paying all that money with no guarantee of getting a baby.

I don't know where to go from here as I really want to attempt IVF at least once. He says he'd be fine if a baby isn't in our future. I love DH, but the idea of not having kids kills me.

Any thoughts, advice...help of any kind would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!!

LuClo

EJZigg:

I know DH wants a baby too, I just wish he wanted it as much as I did. We've been trying for over 3 years now and we're at the point we need to talk about IVF. Our insurance doesn't cover IVF. I would spend the money for IVF without a second thought, but he doesn't really see the point of paying all that money with no guarantee of getting a baby. I don't know where to go from here as I really want to attempt IVF at least once. He says he'd be fine if a baby isn't in our future. I love DH, but the idea of not having kids kills me. Any thoughts, advice...help of any kind would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!!

Find a good therapist who specializes in IF (see if your RE office can recommend someone).  This process is hard enough.  You and your partner really need to be on the same team or it will rip you apart.  You could try and have those conversations on your own without a therapist, but in my experience desire to have a baby = intense emotion; intense emotion = compromised ability to communicate effectively.  It's good to have a neutral person to help keep you both on track.