How to convince DH to let me be a SAHM?

chrisngeri

Hi ladies (and gents who lurk?), I'm considering being a SAHM but anticipate huge disapproval from parents, in-laws and DH...

Currently MIL is retired, hence DH thinks that LO should be taken care of by her in the daytime when I go back to work. However, I don't want MIL to be the primary caregiver for LO because of many reasons: 1) She already has her time divided between taking care of aged FIL who isn't the healthiest, as well as my niece (8) and nephew (10)... and I want LO to get more attention so that he can grow healthy and smart and well. 2) She does lots of things the old method, you know... placing baby on tummy, insisting that it's okay for LO to use old hand-me-down burp cloths and mattresses and cots...(and it drives me crazy to think that something might happen to LO when he's solely with her, and I'm tired of arguing because every time I say something isn't safe she would insist it's fine because DH, niece and nephew were all brought up that way and nothing happened to them...)

My parents also think that I SHOULD go back to work because they think it's important for a woman to be able to stand on her own financially, but I'm not that concerned with that. I know I have enough savings to last for another 2 years before I go back to work and I don't mind applying for a new job. 

Question is, how do I convince DH and parents and in-laws about this? How do I not make MIL take offence by refusing her help to take care of LO? Also, infant care is out of the question in the area I'm living in because the hygiene standards etc. there are abysmally low and my friends kids always fall sick and some even have delayed developmental problems because of poor infant care.

Heeelp... any tips on how to influence DH, parents and in-laws? 

choppinbroccoli22

You said that DH thinks LO should be with MIL when you go back to work, but have you discussed not going back to work with him? It's not clear to me from what you said that he is against you going back to work. If you told him that this is what you want, would he support you? Could you both afford it?

It sounds like your parents' feelings about a woman standing on her own two feet are simply not in line with your feelings about your own family at this time. It's not like you're taking hand-outs. It's OK to have a single income family while you stay home with children. I left a very good job to stay at home, and even now I'm just starting to go back part-time-- not for the money, but because I'm ready for a new balance in my life, and because the opportunity where this would be possible just fell into my lap. You don't need anyone's permission to stay home. Believe me, it's VERY hard work, and it is contributing to the family. Financially, you're not spending money on childcare, you can look for more ways to be frugal when your time and energy are not consumed by going to work full-time. And you're being the parent that you want to be. That's important.

You don't have to talk about your feelings about MIL's childcare methods to her or to DH at all. It simply doesn't have to be part of the discussion at all. No one's feelings need to get hurt here. It's between you and your husband how you want your children raised.

ilenegrace

I don't think there should be much convincing... a grandma (as great as she maybe) is no replacement for mom. I would make the discussion more about what you can bring to the table and not bring up all the criticisms of MIL since that seems like a no win situation. Hope your H supports your decision. As for your families you don't really need their approval. Good luck!

Beth.1212

You do not need to convince your parents and in laws. Once you Dh are on the same page, just tell them what you have decided. If they try to argue just repeat that this is what you feel is best for your family and then change the topic.

Does DH object though? Because this is really a decision you need to make together,

chrisngeri

Beth.1212:

You do not need to convince your parents and in laws. Once you Dh are on the same page, just tell them what you have decided. If they try to argue just repeat that this is what you feel is best for your family and then change the topic. Does DH object though? Because this is really a decision you need to make together,

DH is being supportive for now, however he has expressed concerns about whether being out of the workforce for too long might make me too disconnected from the world. I told him working part-time might be a good option.

You guys are right though, at the end of the day it will be just DH and my decision, although hopefully the less said from our families the better.

I think at the end of the day I might just hand in my resignation letter THEN tell the parents...  

Thanks for all the advice and support  

LittleFish1

You could always go back part time in the future ... like a 6 or 9 months ... or later. You dont have to decide now. Can you take unpaid leave for a while baby bonding time under Family Care Leave Act?

Did your work pay for your hospital care and pay you during the last number of weeks? If so, read on another board that you could have to repay costs if do not return to work at all. Do not know anymore, but something to research before resigning.

st.augbride

Really this is just a financial decision between you and dh.

RissKay

chrisngeri:

Beth.1212:

You do not need to convince your parents and in laws. Once you Dh are on the same page, just tell them what you have decided. If they try to argue just repeat that this is what you feel is best for your family and then change the topic. Does DH object though? Because this is really a decision you need to make together,

DH is being supportive for now, however he has expressed concerns about whether being out of the workforce for too long might make me too disconnected from the world. I told him working part-time might be a good option.

You guys are right though, at the end of the day it will be just DH and my decision, although hopefully the less said from our families the better.

I think at the end of the day I might just hand in my resignation letter THEN tell the parents...  

Thanks for all the advice and support  

Ok, not trying to be rude, but your DH needs to realize that being a SAHM isn't a death sentence. It's a job in and of itself. "Too disconnected from the world" is something he needs to realize is a slam on those who do stay at home, because we aren't disconnected, at least we don't have to be. There are TONS of groups of moms who SAH and get together, get out and about, do play dates, etc. Life is different, but not bad. It's hard, it's work, and it's completely rewarding. He needs to realize that there isn't anything wrong with stay at home, and there is nothing wrong with a mom who stays at home. Oftentimes men think that, but it's not true.

You don't have to convince anyone. You are your own family, and your parents, his parents, and whoever else thinks you should go to work, have no say in what you and your DH feel is best for your family. Your MIL shouldn't take anything personally if you want your child to stay with you during the day; you're the mom here.

Good luck, and remember, do what's best for you and your LO, not what they tell you they think is.  

chrisngeri

LittleFish1:

You could always go back part time in the future ... like a 6 or 9 months ... or later. You dont have to decide now. Can you take unpaid leave for a while baby bonding time under Family Care Leave Act? Did your work pay for your hospital care and pay you during the last number of weeks? If so, read on another board that you could have to repay costs if do not return to work at all. Do not know anymore, but something to research before resigning.

I did recently apply for unpaid leave for a couple more months to think things through and sort things out and observe how LO is developing before deciding.

As for the hospital care, I live in a country where the companies don't pay for maternity care so no worries there...   

chrisngeri

RissKay:

chrisngeri:

Beth.1212:

You do not need to convince your parents and in laws. Once you Dh are on the same page, just tell them what you have decided. If they try to argue just repeat that this is what you feel is best for your family and then change the topic. Does DH object though? Because this is really a decision you need to make together,

DH is being supportive for now, however he has expressed concerns about whether being out of the workforce for too long might make me too disconnected from the world. I told him working part-time might be a good option.

You guys are right though, at the end of the day it will be just DH and my decision, although hopefully the less said from our families the better.

I think at the end of the day I might just hand in my resignation letter THEN tell the parents...  

Thanks for all the advice and support  

Ok, not trying to be rude, but your DH needs to realize that being a SAHM isn't a death sentence. It's a job in and of itself. "Too disconnected from the world" is something he needs to realize is a slam on those who do stay at home, because we aren't disconnected, at least we don't have to be. There are TONS of groups of moms who SAH and get together, get out and about, do play dates, etc. Life is different, but not bad. It's hard, it's work, and it's completely rewarding. He needs to realize that there isn't anything wrong with stay at home, and there is nothing wrong with a mom who stays at home. Oftentimes men think that, but it's not true.

You don't have to convince anyone. You are your own family, and your parents, his parents, and whoever else thinks you should go to work, have no say in what you and your DH feel is best for your family. Your MIL shouldn't take anything personally if you want your child to stay with you during the day; you're the mom here.

Good luck, and remember, do what's best for you and your LO, not what they tell you they think is.  

 

Thanks for the support RissKay  You're right about the convincing... at the end of the day being a mom really has taught me to stand up for LO and myself more, and do what I think is best for LO! lol. 

I guess DH was influenced by the SAHMs in his family who never went back to work and are more homely... I'm prepared to be quite different though! I think DH is slowly realizing it as I started getting more physically active again PP and bringing LO out on my own more often.