Nasty Voice Mail from XH
Tamma254
member
I don't post on this board often, because DH and I are TTC, so I feel like TTGP is my home board right now, but this concern is more BF related.
I let my cell phone get cut off for a few days because I just didn't want to deal with my sister's drama anymore. Apparently, that was a HUGE mistake, because while it was cut off, I had voice mails piling up from BD2. When I put money on my phone this morning I checked them.
Three of them were from him. In each and every one of them, he was cussing me out. Literally every other word was sh!t, d*mn, ***, or any other expletive he could come up with. He was threatening to take me back to court, saying that he had been calling everyday since last Monday to get a hold of DS2. He has our house number, and by our records, he'd only called twice. Once on Monday, when DH was on a business call (which was answered), and once on Friday where he was able to talk to DS2.
There have also been times where my son would tell me that either XH or his new girlfriend would hit him. I know in a 6 year old's mind, that might be something as simple as a smack to the butt, but in my experience with XH, his discipline was a lot more aggressive. That was one of the reasons for our separation.
The one act that my son told me about that made me the most mad (and also the one I should have called CPS on) was when he told me that his father's GF hit him in the privates for touching her boob.
As of this moment, I am still pretty heated because of it, so I was planning on recording the VMs and keeping them in case this happens ago. That way I will have proof of his harassment and threats.
I need suggestions on how to handle this. This is also going to be a post and run, since I need time to cool off.
Thanks in advance.
ETA: Trying to fix the bleeped out words.
Re: Nasty Voice Mail from XH
You have two separate issues, no?
With the phone thing, I would say put yourself in your XH's shoes. Would you be upset if his phone was suddenly cut off?
In my situation, XH's cell phone is his only phone number he's shared with me. If DS was with XH and XH's cell phone got cut off, I would probably be pretty upset. I would not leave expletive-filled voicemails, but it's possible/likely I would call the police if more than 48 hours or so passed.
Since he has another way to reach you, I think the issue isn't as serious. But I think you probably should have notified him that your phone was going to be out of service. Both of you could have handled it better so I would vote for just ignore it and let it go.
As far as your concerns about hitting, I don't see the connection between this and the voicemails. I don't see how keeping the voicemails can help you.
Have you seen marks on your child to indicate that he was hurt? Does he act like he is afraid of XH/gf?
If the incident has already passed and you did not act, I don't think there's a great deal you can do at this point. But you can document your concerns. You can take your child to a pediatrician and ask for guidance. If something else happens that alarms you I think you should absolutely notify CPS.
Is all communication typically over the cell because if so I could understand his frustration. If he does not typically call your house phone, he may no longer have the number or it may not be stored in his phone.
All if this. And how old are you, what responsible adult lets their phone get shut off, what if you ran to the store and something happened at your son's school?
He almost never calls my cell. Most communication is over the house phone. Due to the fact that I rarely have signal because of our 24inch thick stone walls. I would have to take my son outside in 20 degree weather to talk to him otherwise.
I'm 30 years old, I let my phone get shut off because it was last in line when a bunch of bills hit at once. If I to run out to the store, DH would be at home, since he works from home.
I don't think anyone is contending that leaving ranting/raving voicemails is an okay thing to do. It's not. But also, in a blended family I think that there exists a certain obligation to be communicative.
My XH usually calls my cell phone to talk to DS. If he can't reach me, he has 3 other numbers to try. But I would never let my phone get shut off without giving him a heads up. I don't like him; I think he's a crappy parent, but I would like to never give him any reason to worry.
And I'm assuming, based on your tickers, that you don't have a school-age child? Within the last 2 weeks, my child's school had 1 early dismissal, 1 snow day, and 2 days school was delayed by two hours. If I had not been accessible to them 24/7/365, I would not have been aware of those events. Maybe there isn't a NEED for that kind of access, but I assure you that schools at least in my area expect it. And I would not want my child left at school because they couldn't reach me. It's all kind of academic relative to the OP, but there are clearly valid reasons to be available to anyone who cares for your child.
Not only does he have our house number, he has DH's cell phone number, plus both of our email addresses. He has plenty of ways of getting a hold of us. But it was my cell phone that he chose to leave the nasty messages on, and this isn't the first time. He goes off on me for not answering the phone when I'm at work, after I went as far as writing down my schedule for him. He is combative. But, again it was only my phone he left the nasty messages on. Not the house phone, not DH's phone. Why? because he doesn't realize that DH and I share everything, and I let him hear the messages he left me.
I understand that BD has several means of contact, but I still think it would have been considerate if you had given him a heads up that you were turning your phone off until further notice, and that you would let him know when it was turned back on. It was definitely wrong of him to leave nasty voicemails. I would record them, and document the situation - you turned your phone off so he left those voicemails.
As far as the potential abuse - I believe you've let too much time pass for the incident you mentioned. However, if anything happens again, I would call CPS. If you are ever concerned about DS I would have a well-check done on him at BD's.
The question about how the school would contact her if she ran out was rhetorical, if there was an answer to it then there would be no reason for the question.
And like someone else said, in a blended family responsible people let the other parent know if there is a change in how you can be contacted. I realize not all parents do this but it is called being considerate. And no, it does not give him any excuse for acting like that and yes he had her home number but did you miss the part where she said he called her home number twice? He called her home twice and her cell phone numerous times and probably freaked when she did not call him back, cursing does not help but I honestly do not think a judge would be happy if she brings it up in court because there is no way to avoid saying that he called for more than two days without her responding.
And no everyone feels it is someone else's responsibility to get their sick kid from school and not everyone has local people that can be trusted to pick up their kids.
Had to LOL. In a good way, not a snarky way. I just liked the way it was all put.
OP, This. Lesson learned. Be more accessible and if your not give the courtesy of a call back. And remind him you will not be spoken to that way. APOLOGIZE for not being around but let him know there really is no need for the yelling either. You have his kid in your hands and he deserves to know if he is around or not.
I agree with all of this.
1) it's sort of your fault for not notifying him that your phone would be off. He is the other parent and has a right to be concerned if he is unable to reach his child. Did he over react somewhat? Sure. Would YOU have felt the same way? Probably. Let it go.
2) If you truly believe your child is being abused why in the FRACK have you not contacted CPS? And if you DON'T think it's CPS worthy, why would saving these VMs help you? Are you petty enough to believe that someday, in the undetermined future, when you're mad at him, you can call CPS and be all like "OMG, 4 years ago DS said ExH's GF hit him in his privates, and then ExH left this nasty voice mail, but I never reported them for any of it cause I wasn't really mad enough at them til now. and so that must mean they're abusing him, so PUNISH them!" Really?
It was in my OP. Yes, it was a mistake not to give him a heads up that my phone was going to be shut off, but I didn't realize it was going to be such a big deal, as either DH or I are always home. And my phone being shut off did NOT warrant the threats he left on my voice mail. He does this for show, his girlfriend was in the background coaching him on what to say. Apparently, his version of calling " every day" is calling on Monday and Friday. Both times be was able to reach us. Before he met this girl, I had to call him so my son could talk to him. He doesn't care, like I said, its all for show for her.
Bottom line is, as a bm I always read all you sm's accounts of BSC bms and think, "who is like that?". Well, if this post is real it's an example of a BSC bm. The evidence?
1. Ttc w bd number 3 when she can't even pay her phone bill? Sorry but I am judgy on that.
2. Some sort of drama with her sister that is so bad she lets her phone get turned off, not alerting bd that she is doing it? That's just wrong, and even w other numbers I would be pissed if i was bd.
3. Thinking its ok to be unreachable when you are in a blended family? Reality check, it's not ok unless you're BSC.
4. Supposed allegations of abuse you never followed up on, until bd did something that made you mad? If there was real abuse how could you have let that go. But I think there wasn't real abuse, you're just mad at bd.
That is all.
Wow, judgmental much?
I think the best way to resolve this is to call BD. Apologize for not letting him know that your phone wouldn't be on. Then tell him that, in the future he needs to call you on your house phone only, unless you can't be reached there. Then he should try your cell phone. Then you tell him that you got his voicemails and you will not tolerate any further messages like that. Tell him you will be keeping the voicemails and if it happens again you will press charges for harassment and whatever else you can.
After you do this sit down and write a letter.
"Dear BD,
I am writing to memorialize our conversation of <date> regarding phone communication. As we discussed please contact DS and myself at our home phone number of <###-####>. If, for some reason, you cannot reach us there please contact me via my cell phone at <###-####>. I will do my best to let you know in a reasonable amount of time if my cell phone will not be in working order.
No further harrassing messages from you or <GF> will be tolerated, as we discussed.
Sincerely,
Tamma
Send this to him certified mail. Keep a copy and the reciept when you receive it. This will both show that you are attempting to communicate and be reasonable and that he is aware of the prefferred procedure.
As for the suspected abuse, I agree with PPs who say too much time has probably elapsed for much to be done about the incident you mentioned. But if it happens again, call CPS again and look into an EOP.
Thank you for your suggestions. I will write that letter today. I agree that it is probably too late for the abuse allegations, I was just so upset yesterday that I was fuming about anything and everything that he's ever done to me and my children. It would be one thing if this was the first time he's freaked out on me, but it is a frequent occurrence. He blames me for things that are completely out of my control (like him moving 3.5 hours away, be be with this new GF). From now on, I will document everything. That is all I know to do at this point.
Again, thank you for your suggestions. They were much appreciated.