Blended Families

difficult situation, not really BFR

My boyfriend got a call from his step dad yesterday that his mother tried to commit suicide and is hospitalized. She lives two hours south of us and J was going down to do some training for his new job today through Wednesday, so he will get a chance to visit and spend some time with her.

I'm shocked, but J said he has noticed over the past year or so she seems a little down. She's gone through a lit of life changes lately so it makes sense she's struggling.

My question is how to approach this. Should I call? Send a card telling her I'm praying for her? I've had issues with anxiety and depression, and I know how horrifying it is, so I kind of want to reach out to her. I just don't want to be pushy or overstep. The kids and I have been considered part of the family for over a year, we spend Christmades and birthdays with her but I wouldn't say we are super close. We did just spend the weekend with her last weekend though, and the kids had so much fun with her.

That's also another issue. DS overheard J and I talking about things, and I had to gently explain to him that Js mom is just not feeling very well and she needed some help from some doctors. He heard J say 'nervous breakdown' and has asked a lot about that. I'm afraid he will mention it to XH.

XH knows she's around the kids a lot and watched them for a few hours last weekend, and we stayed with her overnight. I don't want to overstep any boundries with J and discuss his moms problems with XH, but if DS tells him I know he's going to ask me about it and worry about me having the kids around her. Obviously he has nothing to worry about, I would never leave the kids alone with her while I know she's having these problems, but I don't even want to have that convo with him.

Re: difficult situation, not really BFR

  • I'm no mental health expert, so I can only try to imagine what I would like if I were going through a really hard time.

    I would put together some of her favorite things--candy? magazines? a good novel? and then just handwrite a note saying that you hope to see her soon. She might be embarrassed or god knows what on top of her sadness, and so I think if you show her that you're thinking of her maybe that would be a help?

    MH's father is pretty consistently deeply depressed. We try to call and text. FIL an I are both readers so I chat with him about books or ask him for recommendations to show him that I value his opinion. DH inquires (gently) about his mental state, his therapy, etc, occasionally but we try not to focus on it.

    As for your XH, I am going to suggest you do the hard thing. I would bring it up. Say "I just wanted to let you know that J's mom tried to commit suicide. She has watched the kids in the past, but I want to make sure you know that I was not aware of the severity of her problems. We obviously won't be leaving the kids with her again for quite some time."

    I understand protecting her privacy, but since she has been left in charge of the kids recently, it does kind of become your XH's business. I don't think you owe him any further details, but I think this is a situation where you need to consider what you would want him to do for you. 

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  • I would definitely send a card or something to her letting her know that she is in your thoughts and prayers.  I know if I were in her situation, it would be touching to know that someone was thinking of you.


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  • imagefellesferie:

    I would put together some of her favorite things--candy? magazines? a good novel? and then just handwrite a note saying that you hope to see her soon. She might be embarrassed or god knows what on top of her sadness, and so I think if you show her that you're thinking of her maybe that would be a help?

    As for your XH, I am going to suggest you do the hard thing. I would bring it up. Say "I just wanted to let you know that J's mom tried to commit suicide. She has watched the kids in the past, but I want to make sure you know that I was not aware of the severity of her problems. We obviously won't be leaving the kids with her again for quite some time."

    I understand protecting her privacy, but since she has been left in charge of the kids recently, it does kind of become your XH's business. I don't think you owe him any further details, but I think this is a situation where you need to consider what you would want him to do for you. 

    This! I actually worked in the mental health field for several years. If J's mom is still hospitalized, make sure that the items you want to include are "safe" - simple things like bows and the bath poufs pose strangulation risks.

    In terms, of telling xh, also mention what you've told DS and ask xh to be consistant. I think it's great how you explained the situation to DS!

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  • I think XH ha a right to hear it from you, wouldn't you want to hear it from him? I would tell J that since your son heard things you need to have a coparenting conversation with your ex, if J cannot understand that it is his issue because this is now something affecting your son he was just in this woman's care and he knows what is going on. Sorry you all are dealing with this.
    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
  • I agree with all PPs. You don't owe XH a detailed explanation, but I think Felles said it best. And tell him what you have told your son. I would hope that your BF could.understand this, but if he can't, I think it is still something you need to do.

    I think the way you handled it with your son sounds wonderful.

    I was in counseling for four years for depression, later diagnosed bipolar. And I am starting back into counseling next week, actually, after being on my own for four four years. My own father tried to commit suicide more than once. So I can look at from.your perspective about telling XH and from your BF's possible perspective. I would understand if my H felt the need to tell someone involved in SD's life about an incident like this if it involved one of my family members.
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