Dilemma ?

HK2mom4

 

First I apologize if this is the wrong board to ask this on but I thought you gals would have a deeper resolve for this situation so TIA if I?m correct ? 

But I?ve this good friend; on our last ?girls night out? outing her sister joined us then asked if we thought she was a good mother! No one said anything that was negative, hurtful; however since that evening (my) friend, another of the girl?s in our group and I had lunch earlier today we were discussing/talking about what she ask we?d been thinking about that question - our responses at the time. Now having second thoughts ? (background) her sister sleeps in until 10:30-11:00AM every morning then when she gets up going on Facebook - playing games all day.

Now for additional background (sister) --- she?s 24 years old with a son that will be 3 years old on March 2nd. She was pregnant when getting married. Their son is still in diapers, not potty-trained (no prospects of this ever happening), still on a bottle, can?t feed him-self, does not talk, can?t dress him-self, has no respect for them or anyone else including his aunt, no social skills what so ever, fights with other children, and just bullying, and downright mean. She and her husband (if you can call him that) have no control over/of him nor do they even seem to care. They both think he?ll grow-out of this behavior so they just laugh about it all! It seems to us (this includes sister) that she is really not that good a mother! Our friend would like her sister invited back - then setting straight ? as to what a good mother really is - then does to become one. This friend really wants her sister to do a much better job ?

So I?d like some help/input WDYT of her and WWYD to hopefully help out?  TIA

 

megann831

Hearing your side of the story, I don't think much because it just doesn't make any sense. What is her kid doing while she's sleeping late and playing games? How is he such a bully when he's not even speaking?  I know alot of kids, especially boys, are not potty trained at 3.  Are her and her husband legally married?  If so, I'd call him her husband.  DD doesn't dress herself, I didn't think at almost 3 most kids did.  I know alot of times my nephew, 4 1/2, wants his parents to feed him.  I think it's just a quirky, attention getting behavior, not a reflection on the parents.

My main concern is that you say he doesn't speak.  If that's true, there may be something wrong with him.  I just really don't understand how a kid who doesn't speak can be a mean bully.  If he does speak, it sounds like he's a 2 year old who can be a brat, just like any 2 year old.

I'm not also sure what you said to her when she asked.  I don't think it's really any of your business, unless your very close to her, to tell her you rethought your original answers and you think she's a terrible mom. 

mbgreenwalt

MYOB.  If her sister is that concerned she needs to talk to her one-on-one and offer support.  What kind of outcome are you all expecting if you all meet with her and attack her?

JulesDiane

mbgreenwalt:

MYOB.  If her sister is that concerned she needs to talk to her one-on-one and offer support.  What kind of outcome are you all expecting if you all meet with her and attack her?

This.

carlab44

Is this MUD? Because I find this post very ironic considering the quotes about judging others in your signature.

If it isn't MUD, I say mind your own business. He isn't three yet and you're surprised he isn't potty trained or dressing himself? That is very common. And if he truly isn't talking or feeding himself then maybe he is slightly developmentally delayed. Again, that isn't something that she should be judged for nor is it an indication of a bad mother. I see no reason that you would need to "set her straight".

1026pumpkin

I agree that there is no way a group of people should confront this woman about being a bad mother.  The only things that sound off are not speaking or being able to feed himself and drink from a cup.  I think her sister should do some research on early intervention programs and parenting classes and present it to her privately.  It seems like she does have concerns if she was asking all of you for feedback, but doing it in a group setting is just going to come off as an attack.

HK2mom4

First Ladies let me thank you all for your commits ...

megann831:

Hearing your side of the story, this was really her sister's side not ours I don't think much because it just doesn't make any sense. What is her kid doing while she's sleeping late and playing games? That's anybody's guess. How is he such a bully when he's not even speaking? He really doesn't know how to play with other kids without throwing, hitting, biting, and kicking others when around them. He's not able to play without acting this way. I know alot of kids, especially boys, are not potty trained at 3. I haven't a problem with this since my boys were between 26 and 38 months when trained completely. Are her and her husband legally married? Yes. If so, I'd call him her husband.  DD doesn't dress herself, I didn't think at almost 3 most kids did. Here are you saying that your daughter doesn't even give it a try or to at least when she's playing pretend or dress-up like mommy at play time? I know alot of times my nephew, 4 1/2, wants his parents to feed him. That's OK but this child from what we were told doesn't even try to feed him-self at all. As do most children by 16-18 months with at least finger foods. He's not even showing an interest in these simple task. I think it's just a quirky, attention getting behavior, not a reflection on the parents.You might be right here; but, her sister is concerned for her nephew's progress - here.

My main concern is that you say he doesn't speak.  If that's true, there may be something wrong with him. No they've had him tested making sure he can hear; had vocal cords. It's just that most all children are at least saying da-da or ma-ma well before 2 years old.   I just really don't understand how a kid who doesn't speak can be a mean bully.  If he does speak, it sounds like he's a 2 year old who can be a brat, just like any 2 year old. You're right this is probably a much better choices of words - he's a brat!

I'm not also sure what you said to her when she asked.  I don't think it's really any of your business, unless your very close to her, to tell her you rethought your original answers and you think she's a terrible mom. I didn't make any commits to her since, I didn't know her; but, two of our members did.

ETA: to correct some spelling errors - sorry

HK2mom4

mbgreenwalt:

MYOB.  If her sister is that concerned she needs to talk to her one-on-one and offer support.  What kind of outcome are you all expecting if you all meet with her and attack her? I don't believe we're going to get  this involved as to calling her out. I'm only gathering information for her sister (my friend) so she can make the decision as to what she's going to do for her sister's benefit that's all.

HK2mom4

fredalina:

What else would you call the male spouse of a legally married couple? Seriously, this is not your business. I couldn't agree more - it's not mine or our business so we're staying out of this! I'm only trying to help my friend make-up her own mind as to how she can or wants to help her sister ...   

HK2mom4

carlab44:

Is this MUD? No! Why would you think so ...  Because I find this post very ironic considering the quotes about judging others in your signature. I'm not judging anyone here; only trying to obtain information so I can help a friend make a decision for her-self as to what's best in helping her sister.   

If it isn't MUD, I say mind your own business. ! have every intention of doing just that. He isn't three yet and you're surprised he isn't potty trained or dressing himself? Not mine but her sister's concern. That is very common. Somewhat agree! And if he truly isn't talking or feeding himself then maybe he is slightly developmentally delayed. Not according to testing they've had done. Again, that isn't something that she should be judged for nor is it an indication of a bad mother. Agree! I see no reason that you would need to "set her straight".Her own sister's words not mine!

HK2mom4

1026pumpkin:

I agree that there is no way a group of people should confront this woman about being a bad mother. I agree! The only things that sound off are not speaking or being able to feed himself and drink from a cup. We are staying neutral out of this too!  I think her sister should do some research on early intervention programs and parenting classes and present it to her privately. Here I concur this sound like good solid advice - I'll pass that along to her for her thoughts. Thank you!  It seems like she does have concerns if she was asking all of you for feedback, but doing it in a group setting is just going to come off as an attack. I couldn't agree with this statement more - that's why I have no intensions of putting my-self in that position - thank again ... only gathering information for a friend!

HK2mom4

Again ladies I wish to thank each of you for these wonderful responses. I and the other lady basically just listen to her since she seemed concern and upset about her nephew his progress and her sister so I took it upon my-self to see if I might get some help for her since I care deeply for her and her friendship ...

So again thanks to all you wonderful ladies for all your help ... Thank you, Thank you !!!

megann831

I still think there may be a development issue, maybe autism or something, not a hearing problem

HK2mom4

megann831:

I still think there may be a development issue, maybe autism or something, not a hearing problem It's possible I really don't know any more details since she was highly up-set about her sister not spending more quality time with her son and looking for help so she could do something for them that would help them with her nephew. Thanks for you input. I'm sending her an e=mail this afternoon with a link to this thread so she can read what you wonderful ladies have to say. Thanks everyone from the bottom of my heart ...

ridesbuttons

OMG that was hard to read.  And I thought your siggy was another post entirely.

Perhaps on a girls night out, you keep the mom-scorecard at home.

Not sure you know how late she sleeps, I know plenty of 3+year old boys who are not potty trained and why you felt the need to add that she was pregnant when she got married is beyond me.

I think nothing of her.  I don't know her.

Do you really want to help out or do you just want to feel superior?  And if you do want to help out, exactly how do you imagine that would manifest itself?

YWIA.

honeybee111

I feel bad for your friend's sister.  If she's having a hard time with her son(developmental issue?), she may have been looking for reassurance by asking if you think she's a good mother.  You may think she and her husband don't care, but maybe they're totally overwhelmed and don't know what to do, so they laugh it off around other people.  I don't think you should be the one to do the "setting straight", and I kind of think that's the wrong attitude to have here along with the idea that this has to do with being a "good mother".  She needs some direction to her pedi, and maybe referrals to other resources, and I think that can be done without mentioning the quality of her parenting.

PunkyBooster

A lot of boys aren't potty trained at 3. 

I find the bottle usage weird, but I also know of a lot of people whose kids still use them at 2. It's so, so odd to me but it's not representative of bad parenting, IMO.

If he's not speaking, how is he such a tyrant? Often, toddlers act out physically (hitting, biting, kicking, etc) out of frustration due to the inability to verbally communicate. She'll find herself playdate-less pretty soon if she is not intervening and helping him cope during cihld-child interactions.

And my pedi monitors speech and other developmental milestones, so I would assume hers is too, but I dunno. 

I would back away very slowly from this entire situation.

 

MyLittleSweetPea

megann831:

I still think there may be a development issue, maybe autism or something, not a hearing problem

 

As a special education teacher... this was my EXACT thought! 

JoJoGee

HK2mom4:

megann831:

My main concern is that you say he doesn't speak.  If that's true, there may be something wrong with him. No they've had him tested making sure he can hear; had vocal cords. It's just that most all children are at least saying da-da or ma-ma well before 2 years old.

Just because a child has the physical ability to hear and to speak, does not mean he doesn't have a developmental delay.  In addition, a person is not a bad parent just because their child has a developmental delay.

It sounds like you have a third person account of this womens life.  Which, is to say, you know nothing.  If you truly want to help your friend and her sister than stop judging and start providing support by getting involved.  Offer respit care, run errands for them, or be there to listen whenever your friend's sister needs to someone to talk to.