Man-mind?
FI and I are having some issues, it's not totally BF related, but you ladies here are wise with relationships, and will keep things real.
He has back problems, and can't split things 50/50. It's gotten better, but I still hold so much resentment and don't feel appreciated for what I do every day with the kids and our home.
It feels so complicated, one day I'm brainstorming how I can afford to get a place for just me and DS, and the next daydreaming of a house with all four of us together. He's frustrated with my mixed signals, but so am I!
He's now saying that either I love him or I don't. Either I want to be with him or not, and that I have to make up my mind.
It's no where close in my mind to being so black & white. Is this a man's way of thinking ? I know there's some books on the differences on how men & women think.. I need to read it obviously. But what do I say to this?
Re: Man-mind?
This.
Now's the time to take a long hard look at yourself and your relationship and really assess what YOU want and what you can tolerate and live with. You have the luxury of doing this now before you're married. I suggest you both consider couples counseling to work on some of this if marriage is still the direction you want to move in. I also suggest therapy for you as it will give you a place to process some of this and vent a bit.
This.
Now's the time to take a long hard look at yourself and your relationship and really assess what YOU want and what you can tolerate and live with. You have the luxury of doing this now before you're married. I suggest you both consider couples counseling to work on some of this if marriage is still the direction you want to move in. I also suggest therapy for you as it will give you a place to process some of this and vent a bit.
1) What exactly do you mean by 50/50? If its the actual LABOR part of your marriage, then there are things you can do. If its more along the lines of logistics or or parenting (ie enforceing rules and regulations), then there are ALSO things you can do.
2) Has he been willing to work within his disability?
3) Not for nothing, but this is what marriage is about. In SICKNESS and in HEALTH. What if this were reverse? What if YOU got sick and could not do YOUR share?
Now again, if he has not been willing to work with you, then you have other issues, but if you are only unhappy because your husband could not pyisically help you out because his back is bad, then this is all on you.
I can understand where you are coming from being frustrated that you don't feel appreciated at times. In my opinion, you shouldn't do things for recognition, but at the same time, when your honey shows his appreciation for the things you do, it encourages more benevolence on your part. I think the encouragement and appreciation is important for both of you.
From my experience, men definitely have a different way of thinking. Sometimes it's black and white with women but there's a grey area for men and vice versa.
Communication is vital! I think you need to be honest without coming across condenscending but you should also listen. You may think you're conveying your frustrations to him, but he may be taking your signals as something completely different. With men, you have to spell it out sometimes- short, sweet, and to the point! They have the same trouble reading our signals as we do reading theirs.
You're going to run into issues in every relationship, its about finding someone you love enough to work those issues out with- whatever that takes. If you don't love this man that way then you should be fair to him, yourself, and your kids and tell him.
Part of it is on me. He frequently lays down with ice-packs, but then get to surf around funny sites on his laptop. I know the main purpose is to help ease his pain so he can participate, but every time I get those thoughts of "man, I wish I had 30 min to lay down and surf the web.." How do I stop those thoughts?
The other part is that he's not as much of an advocate for his own health as I think he should be. I feel he can do more, he's only been to 2 drs (lots of er trips for pain meds tho), both couldn't find root cause of the pain. The 2nd dr has said to FI "I can't do anything for you", and keeps handing out pills. I feel that FI needs to get referalls to people who can help, and drs who are interested in a long term management. But he hasn't done so.
To answer your ?s:
1. I feel it's mostly the logistics. He's good about helping, but I have to prompt him. For example: laundry. The basket can be overflowing, and it takes me asking or doing to get it done.
2. He has been willing to help, but like I said above, I have to prompt.
3. I completely agree with you. But it comes back to that he's not doing all that he can do to try to fix his problem. And if it's truly not fixable, then finding better treatment than pills that cost a fortune.
What I hold a lot of resentment about is from during labor and after birth of DS. (caution, venting ahead) In such a physically demanding time, I didn't feel that he stepped it up at all. Trying to recover, and still doing all the cooking and cleaning. If I didn't do it, it wouldn't get done. Not that being preggo or giving birth is a "sickness", but your body isn't at 100%, yet I had to function just like it was.
I guess I'm leaning towards therapy to try to resolve my resentment and anger issues...
Do you guys live together? Have you considered a short term separation? Maybe he needs to be reminded what it's like to have to take care of himself. And being apart for awhile may help you answer the question of whether or not you want to be together in the long run.
I'm not saying a break up, or even a break from your relationship. Just a period of time where you are living in separate places.
Yes we do live together.
I told him flat out that I was thinking of moving out. Just like you said, so he can remember what it feels like to take care of himself. The kicker is that he was a single father before I came into his life, so he know how much work young kids are.
I don't think I'm going to do it though. I don't think it would help in this situation. I told him how I feel, and what's going on in my head, so he's now somewhat on the same page. Plus it would be beyond confusing for his 3.5 year old if I packed up and left, even for a short while.
ITA on the advice to have him resolve his back pain issues before even considering anything further. My sister and boss are married to men with debilitating back pain and both have to do pretty much everything. I can tell you that resentment does not go away with time.
I always also recommend love languages in these sorts of situations. It may be that he's not showing you how he feels in a way that resonates with you - he may be speaking HIS love language when he needs to speak YOURS. For instance, my love language is acts of service (don't freaking talk to me about what you will do for me or how awesome I am, just DO IT already) and DH's is words of affirmation. He was forever telling me things when I needed him to act. I was doing things for him when he needed to hear how great he is; me picking up his dty cleaning is not the same.