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December 2010 Moms
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(NTR) Am I as horrible as I feel? (Long sorry)
Ok, so here's the backstory. When I met H he had 3 cats, I had 1; we bought our house and the 4 cats had to learn to co-exist. 1 of his 3 can't stand to be around all the cats and started peeing where ever my cat likes to hang out. It's totally a behavior issue and not medical. So finally we quarantined her to our master bathroom where she has now been living for 4ish years. I have begged, pleaded, and threatened over the years that we need to find a better solution for the issue. He sees this as me wanting my bathroom back (which I do) but it's more of wanting a better life for his cat.
Fast forward to today. Gracie is supposed to go live at an animal rescue this evening. They have the ability to medicate her and have better knowledge to handle her behavior issues. My H basically feels like I'm thrilled she's going to be gone because as he put it "You won and you get your bathroom". He's had her for 10 yrs though and obviously getting rid of her is painful. I'm trying to handle being the bad guy but I'm also 4 weeks away from having another baby so all I can do is cry and feel like the worst person on the planet. If I had a solution to keep her in the house with us I'd be all for it but we can't have her living in our bathroom for the rest of her life and we can't have her peeing all over the house.
I'm terrified that my H is going to resent me for the rest of our lives because he feels like I'm making him do this. It's the right decision for the cat and for our family but I wish I didn't have to be the one to force the issue. Am I the worst person ever? What would you do?
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Re: (NTR) Am I as horrible as I feel? (Long sorry)
Getting rid of a pet is always hard :
Sorry, but I wouldn't even consider rehoming until I had exhausted all options. Assuming it's behaviorial, have you worked with a behaviorist and/or talked to your regular vet about anti-anxiety medications? Many times Prozac or something similar can put a situation like this right. It sounds like that's what the rescue is suggesting so why aren't you willing to give it a try yourself? If she's been living in the bathroom for a while, then I don't understand the rush to change things now.
I hate to sound like I am flaming, but I have to tell the truth: generally, cats with inappropriate elimination issues are deemed to be unadoptable. Even "no kill" rescues can and do put down animals that can't be adopted. Honestly, it breaks my hard to think about this poor kitty dying surrounded by strangers after leaving the only family she's known for 10 years.
I'm not trying to make your decision harder, but you should really make sure you've explored all options and if you decide to give her up you should understand what that decision may mean. I'm sorry.
The rescue she's going to is a family friend and she won't be put down or adopted out. She's going to go live there. We will still have updates on her and be able to visit her. Unfortunately, we aren't in the position to medicate her long term as the prozac is $100 a month. This is not a rush decision; this is something that has been discussed and battled for 4 years. She won't be in a cage and she has the ability to get away from the other animals and be by herself. Basically, they have the resources and knowledge to make her life happier without her being in a bathroom. I really am trying to do what's best for her because honestly I don't feel being shut in a small room is fair.
ETA: We are also going to donate food and $$ to help with expenses as often as we can.
Sorry, GG, I' going to have to disagree with you here! What kind of life is a life living in a bathroom for that cat? My sister had 3 cats and a dog before her kiddos came along, and because of their behavior issues (and allergies with the kids) the cats are not living in a dark, damp basement. I feel terrible for them and wish she'd just give them away to better homes.
The only other option I might recommend is looking to rehome her to a family you know and you know would take good care of her.
Oh, good! I agree with you. And, bringing another baby into your house ... you don't want to bring unsanitary issues to the table with the kitty peeing all over the house/your stuff/kids' stuff.
Good luck!
Wow, whoever told you the prozac is $100/month is mistaken. I believe it is on Walmart's $4 list, and a lot of other pharmacies have discount cards that significantly decrease the cost. My dog is on a medication we buy at Walgreens, and it's less than half price with the "W Card" program. Just something to consider if the cost is, indeed, the driving factor in your decision.
With the medication and, perhaps, some other accommodations, I really think in time, she might be able to live normally and come out of the bathroom. If it were me, I would want to know I tried everything before rehoming. However, it sounds like you've made your mind up, so I won't beat a dead horse. Just providing input since you asked for our opinions.
I see what you mean. I made my post before I saw that she was going to a family friend and would not be adopted out or euthanized. I'd rather see a pet stay in a less-than-ideal situation than be put down (which is almost surely would be in a typical shelter situation).
I still feel like there may be solutions that would allow the cat to come out of the bathroom in the long term. But when people are done, they're done, so it sounds like OP's mind is made up.
I appreciate your opinions and input GG and Nicole!
I told my husband I was all for trying to medicate and try to change the behavior but he said we should just let her go to the rescue. I think a lot of the blame and lashing out today is his way of grieving but man is it hard to take. I'll have to ask around about the prozac. I'm totally not opposed to her coming back to live with us at some point but right now we have a 2 yr old, a new baby on the way, and 3 other cats to take care of and we just can't offer her the attention and care she needs. She can't even co-habitate with the 2 she grew up with because it's been so long since she's seen them she hates them now too.
I told DH if we get a report that she's miserable or if they think they can get her calm enough to live with us again I'm all for her coming home and we'll keep trying things but he says once she's gone she's gone because he can't take it. I've been crying at work for about 4 hours now but they all just chalk it up to "crazy pregnant lady" and avoid my office so no problem there. Definitely not a decision either of us is taking lightly.
Thank you! That's my hope too. Trust me... there's zero chance in He$$ that I will let her be put down, mistreated, or miserable no matter where she ends up. She will come back to the bathroom before that happens. I love my kitties.
I understand where you're coming from, but it makes me sad. I have a 15yo kitty who has potty issues sometimes. She lives with my family in the house she's grown up in. Sometimes she goes through phases where she pees in the wrong place (like my closet on all my shoes or on my mom's oriental rug, or in the bathroom) and she will continue to pee in those places until we figure out a way to keep her from going in there and sometimes she just got bored of it and stopped on her own. We put a baby gate in formal living room doorway so she cant pee on that rug and it worked like a charm, she's back to using the litterbox.
Basically I'm wondering if shes been in the bathroom for 4 years how do you know it's not just a phase? Maybe she would have stopped peeing in the wrong places by now. Did you let her out for a couple days to see how it goes?
I'm with GG on this one, where I would exhaust all options before taking a poor old kitty away from her home. And honestly even after I exhausted all the options I would clean up her pee and give her a kiss, because its not her fault, she's just a little old lady.
I'm generally pretty judgey about re-homing pets but it sounds like this cat is going to a happy place where she will be cared for. Its not like you're dropping her off at the shelter in a cardboard box.
I'm sorry you're stressed. Ever since my toddler started walking our two cats have been peeing everywhere including on our kitchen counters- like, pee on our paper towels and the containers where we store our flour and baking supplies. Blech!
We've been in and out of the vets office, they have been on and off medication, special foods, etc. It is exhausting and frustrating. We have to keep half of the rooms closed off or they start peeing on furniture, in laundry baskets full of clothes, in baby cribs, on TV screens, etc, etc, etc.
It is one of the most frustrating things I've dealt with so I feel you.
Oh no, Incogneato, I'm sorry you're dealing with that too. It does suck. We had a lot of cat pee problems when I was pregnant and a little bit when DS was a newborn but--::looks around, crosses fingers, and knocks on wood::--I think we've finally got things back to normal. (Of course, now our senior dog is incontinent, sigh, but that's easier to deal with most of the time).
Fingers crossed that you guys get things worked out!
For the prozac question: we were never able to try it to see if it could work because we don't have the $$. I tried some of the natural remedies that I researched and that the vets recommended, looked into behavior modification.
Ugh Incogneato that bites! Our toddler doesn't even know there's a 4th cat. They met each other once when he was much smaller but for the most part they are unaware of each other's existence.
DH and I are both animal lovers and especially cat lovers so this is traumatic for both of us. I was very clear and adament that when we got to the point where she needed to find a new home that it had to be somewhere we knew she'd be safe, fed, taken care of, loved on, never put in a cage, and NEVER put down. I'm very glad we'll be able to still see her and love on her. This is not a dump and run situation by any means.
That's what I keep coming back to. It took him 4 years to decide it's the thing to do and what's best for her. Unfortunately, it's easier to say "ok she leaves" but then you get to d-day and it's actually happening and the grief kicks in. He assures me that he won't let a cat destroy our marriage. I hope that's the case. Deep down he knows this was a thought out, stressed over decision that we made together through years of discussion for the betterment of her life.