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Adoption
Momofone10
member
Totally Confused
Momofone10
member
in Adoption
My husband and I made the decision to adopt about a year ago. We started the process through the foster care system in our state and as we were working through that an opportunity for a private adoption of two siblings came up. We didn't know the family but we had mutual friends. We have spent time getting to know each other and the kids and the guardians decided last month we would get to parents these kiddos. Here is the problem; I have realized this specific situation and timing are not right for our family. We love those kids and want to parent them. Rooms are set up and everything is ready once the kids work through the system. We are so far into this situation that I don't know what to do. I know this sounds crazy but I just know this isn't the right thing for us. What do I do? We will have to see the guardians and the kids weekly and if I say anything I know she is going to be angry. What will my friends and family think that I am an awful person for doing this to these kids? I know that we are talking about human lives here but is it okay to continue moving forward when I feel this way and so does my husband?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Totally Confused
No. You should not continue on. You cannot start this new family like that, it will lead to resentment/bitterness. It does not make you a bad person to be honest with yourself. Not saying that this would happen to you, but a lot of neglect and abuse in adoption starts this way...going through with something you don't want.
This is a BIG life changing decision, and those kids need someone that wants to be there 100%. You and your husband feel that's not you, you are not obligated to take on these kids for the next 18+ years just because you are scared to hurt someone's feelings. This does not make you an awful person! It makes you a responsible person that's really giving this deep consideration. Trust me, if the parents new you were having these feelings, they may not want to go through with it either. Maybe she'll be angry briefly, but that's not your responsibility. Just take them aside and explain what's going on and that you guys are not moving forward, but you would love to be a friend to them if they'd let you...And in the grand scheme of things, who cares what your friends think? If they are your real friends, they will understand it's a tough choice to make and you made the best one for both of you and the children.
I know it's tough, and it takes courage, but you and your husband KNOW what's right for you.Good luck!
I'm going to be totally upfront and honest here and tell you that this is a particularly difficult question for me to answer, so I will do my best to do so in a honest and respectful manner.
My older son, M, had a failed adoption before he came to us, and it really, really messed with his ability to trust, made him feel like he was unlovable and that he was the "problem" and that's why he didn't have active parents, and hurt and damaged him in ways that he will likely always struggle with throughout his life. That being said, I praise God that those people didn't adopt him, because I can only imagine the hurt they would have inflicted on him if they had taken him in and then treated him with resentment, fear, and anything but unconditional love.
May I ask why you feel you need to walk away from this situation? I know that you many not think it's relevant to whether or not it's acceptable for you to stop things in their tracks, but I assure you, it is. There are certain times when it would not be healthy, appropriate, or a positive situation to continue with an adoption, and then there are others when you walk away because it just doesn't seem to match the ideal in your head.
If it's the later, let me assure you that no adoption will meet your expectations. In fact, no child--adopted or biological--would be able to meet those standards, because no one and no situation in life is perfect, and part of life is accepting and dealing with the flawed nature of our loved ones and the circumstances in which we find ourselves and them.
I feel like I'm talking in grandeous metaphors, but I don't know how to directly address this with you without more specifics. What I'm trying to say is that if you are thinking about walking away because it's not perfect, you really need to reexaming if you really want to adopt at all, knowing that it often comes with difficult situations and adjustment periods (see the "Personal Pet Peeve" if you want an example). If the answer is yes, then please reconsider why you don't want to continue with these boys; is there something specific about this situation that you don't think is common with all adoptions that is a deal-breaker for you and that you? If the answer is no, because you now recognize that adoption is a wonderful thing that starts from a place of loss and must include healing (and therefore can be a difficult road), then please walk away from adoption as a whole, because kids in the system are hurt and need someone to take on their pain and help make them whole. And that is not something to enter into lightly.
I would really like to help you with this decision, and I promise to be gentle, but I implore you to tell me more so I can help you make heads or tails out of this and help you come to a solution that might be best for everyone involved.
We have not told any of the children (our bio daughter or the two other kids) yet that we could possibly be their family so I feel the risk of them being unable to trust after this is low.
Me not wanting to go through with this has nothing to do with "the ideal" in my head. In fact this situation is exactly what we pictured when we started this process. We know that adoption can be messy and difficult and we are prepared (as well as we can be without actually doing this yet) for the rough road we would have ahead of us. None of that worries me!
We have wanted this for so long and now I am just torn apart by the whole thing. I can't help this gut feeling though that this isn't where God wants us to be headed right nowI?m not sure I am contradicting myself. Can't people want something but know it isn't right for them at the time (moving, new jobs, relationships, etc)?
I have talked to my counselor (who I see for anxiety) and she was against this idea from the start (part of the reason I stopped going a few months ago). She didn't think I was in a place take this on right now but I disagreed. I still feel that I could take this on and want to but something just doesn't fit.
I am really not trying to hurt anyone and I don't want this to be a big mess. But please understand me that I am not trying to make this decision quickly or without thought of all involved. I understand that we are talking about people's lives and not pets or furniture. I can't seem to function properly I am so torn up about this.
1. We don't have enough information to give you proper feedback
2. You seem to be looking for everyone to just agree with you, and that's just not how it works. Esp when we don't know enough details.
3. This is why I say you are contradicting yourself. Read these 2 sentences and tell me if I'm wrong
Here is the problem; I have realized this specific situation and timing are not right for our family. We love those kids and want to parent them.
I'm sorry I came across that way I was just looking for some advice and trying to answer questions as they were asked or address people's concerns. And like I said earlier I think that you can want something but know it is wrong for you and not be contradicting yourself but I guess we can agree to disagree. Sorry; I'm just at a loss and didn't know where else to turn. Thank you for your advice.
Edit: I have no idea where this screen name came from. It is my email but I don't know why it is my screen name now?
We've given you the best advice we can, given the information you provided. I know some of it must have seemed harsh, and I'm sorry it was not what you want to hear, to the point of your having some of our posts deleted.
At this point, I don't think there's anything else we can say to you that will be productive. Please turn to a mental health/social work professional to help you make this decision, and be as open and honest with them as possible, so the best decision for everyone involve can be reached. I wish you peace, and I pray those children find love and permanency soon.
I have never told you that are an awful person. You asked a question about a topic that you knew was dicey, and I answered honestly. I am sure it was very difficult to hear what I wrote, but I did write it out of a place of concern and not to be mean.
No, I never suggested you have the posts I wrote deleted. I pm'ed you to say that if you wanted to keep your Momofone10 identity separate from the other one (or now, two) SNs you used in this post, that you should delete the portion of your post that linked the two. I also did you the courtesy of deleting the reference to your other SN in my post. You are not a new poster on the Bump, and it's hard for me to believe that you unintentionally deleted my post.
I did say in my last PM that I wouldn't make an issue of this here, but you keep missing our point about why we think you are only willing to accept things that match what you want to hear. Deleting my posts was an example of that.
Look, I get that you are in a really tough situation. I do not think you should continue with the adoption, given the total of what you've shared here. I do believe that the children will notice when you disappear from their lives, and it will make them less likely to accept new people in their lives. I still believe that that is likely the best resolution that can come of this. And I do believe you should continue seeking professional help to work through these issues.
I am sorry if you believe this is me making you "out to be this awful person;" I really am just giving advice from the heart.