Personal Pet Peeve

lizlemon2

I have gotten a lot of comments from people, "Oh how nice you are adopting.  I wish I could, but wouldn't want to get a kid that could hurt my bio child."  We are adopting a 2 and four year old.  I think beyond tantrums and sibling disputes that happen in any family, I don't think a toddler or preschooler in going to do much damage to your child with proper supervision.  Even sexualized behavior in children that young is more abusive-reactive and not predatory in nature, and with treatment, care and supervision can stop pretty quickly.  I get being nervous about a teenage boy who may have aggressive, sexual, or firesetting behaviors.  I guess I just hate when people label all foster kids as potentially dangerous.

irismorning

I agree with you. When I was growing up, my parents were foster parents in a group home. They had my two brothers and I and 7 foster children. Four of the foster children were older than my brothers and I. Two were in the middle and 1 was younger. We NEVER had any problems. I think that in many cases people speak from a place of ignorance. All they know is what they have seen (typically a misrepresentation from the media). I was sharing my frustration with media adoption sterotypes with three of my close friends yesterday.

CaptainSerious

First, I can't tell you how many times we heard, "I always thought about adopting, but..." and "I think about adopting one day...." My husband got so fed up with it, he started replying, "Yeah, I actually did it" or "Get back to me when you actually do that."  It may sound bitchy, especially when you know people are just trying to find common ground or a way to talk about it, but when they weren't stopped, the conversations would always devolve into all the reasons adoption wasn't convenient for them even though they wanted to save the world's orphans, too.  They were always filled with misconceptions about adoption, the process, and the children available for adoption.

As for the fear that foster children are dangerous, there's not a lot of information out there for the general public to think otherwise.  Unless a person really researched adoption, and foster care in particular, they most likely don't know any better.  In my experience, the types of people who say they "wanted to adopt, but..." have never looked into it at all and are just paying lip service to the great charity of adopting homeless children.  It got to the point where this is one of my least favorite types of adoption-related ignorance and can turn my stomach pretty quickly.

With all that said, I do feel like I should say that when M was processing through his rage during the adjustment phase, his strength scared us.  He broke three doors, he turned over his bed, and if he was struggling, it was very difficult to restrain him.  A few times, he threw himself down and said I hurt/pushed/tripped him; these were the scariest incidents, because we were afraid he'd say it at school or to a police officer or social worker, and we'd have to prove that I didn't.  He frequently told us he'd report us to the police for whatever "meanness" he was most recently displeased with.  I'm putting this all here because while M was never outright violent to us, his behavior was dangerous and difficult to manage during the adjustment period.  I know not every child in foster care is dangerous or violent, but the transition can definitely rock your world, and I can see choosing not to introduce that into a home where a young child is already living.

Dr.Loretta

That is a ridiculously ignorant comment

Foster1Mom

We hear it alllll the time. I now have my MIL warning me about adopting from foster care because "all those kids have problems come 2 or 3"

All because her friend has a few friends that have adopted and have had some issues. Guess what people, bio kids have issues too. Sometimes I get tired of educating people and I want to tell them off. 

IRR

Foster1Mom:

Guess what people, bio kids have issues too. Sometimes I get tired of educating people and I want to tell them off. 

Ain't that the TRUTH!!!

lizlemon2

It's interesting that I am not the only one to get the "I've wanted to adopt, but...".  And yes, I think those people are trying to make themselves feel better, and perpetuating negative stereotypes all at the same time. I have had people tell me they are honestly interested, and want to know more about the process, etc.  When I posted on FB we were matched, a few people I hadn't seen in a long time private messaged me asking about the process, and those kind of questions I don't mind.

 As a social worker, I see awesome kids who just happen to be in foster care every day.  I think in the media, we hear horror stories.  Movies usually depict foster/adopted kids to be evil (Like the movie Orphan, etc).  I guess I just wish people were more open-minded.  They need to remember that children are children.

 

And Capt Serious - I get what you are saying about at times the outbursts were tough, and yes someone could have gotten hurt.  But my bio brother was also rough with me, had outbursts, etc. How old was M when he came home, if you don't mind me asking.

CaptainSerious

M was legally 7.5, biologically likely 10.  He is the most sweet, loving child, and that was obvious all along, but he had so much anger--rage, really--he needed to process through, and was petrified we'd leave him, so he'd rather it was on his terms.  It was not easy, even though he was always a really great kid who wanted nothing more than to be loved unconditionally.

I also feel it should be said that he never had a history of bad or violent behavior, and would also had been described as a great kid who just happened to be in foster care by his caregivers.  He was always very well behaved, and his only issue in care was that he had nighttime incontinence.  He just had to go through all that with us to get to a place where he could trust and let himself be loved.

ETA:  I have a feeling that M's rage was different than your biological brother's rage (barring any special needs he might have had) (I had a big brother, too.).  Honestly, I've never seen anything like this, short of TV/movies.  He was tiny for his age as a result of malnourishment and his heart condition (I could wrap my thumb and forefinger around his ankle), and yet, he was SO strong when he was upset.  It was unreal; like there was this huge release of pent-up adrenaline or something that made him have the strength of a large adult male.

Edited Again TA:  And yes, I get that at M's age, we were dealing with a completely different stage of development than a 2-4 year old, but it's not like he was a teen, either.