Feelings on open vs closed adoption

missmolly511

My DH and I would like to adopt in the next few years. I am adopted so it's always had a special place on my bucket list. However, my adoption was completely closed. No information about, no contact with my birthfamilies. As an adult I sought out my birthmother and I am so sorry that I did- I needed to know, but I also learned some things I could have died much happier never knowing. With this in mind I *thought* I would only like to pursue a closed (or perhaps international) adoption, because I think it is much easier for a child (especially in my case, a dark child in a very white family) to feel more a part of the family if they are wholly accepted as their child, and aren't constantly being reminded that their parents aren't their "real" parents by having to meet with birthparents periodically. It's hard enough on a kid's psyche to just BE adopted. And I will admit some of my aprehension comes from a fear that if my adopted child has a relationship with his or her birthparent, he or she will not bond with us properly. The agency we will be working with performs open and closed adoptions on a case by case basis, but they really encourage open adoption. It seems to be the modern thing to do. I think I could handle sending annual photos or the like, but not visits.

I guess my question is, please tell me about your experiences with open adoption! Are you happy with your arrangements? Is your LO stable and adjusted?  Am I just being "old fashioned" to want a closed adoption?

IRR

There are many definitions of what OPEN means.  Sending letters and photos annually is considered OPEN.  Visits are VERY OPEN.  Just meeting the EP's before birth is considered OPEN.  Having your child's medical history is considered OPEN.  So just because you may be uncomfortable with visits that doesn't mean it is closed.  CLOSED is when you have no information about the EP's and if your child has some medical condition you have no way of finding out it is hereditary or not.  Thank you for sharing your perspective on why you would prefer CLOSED, but just know that being 100% CLOSED will also leave you the AP with many questions as well when the child is growing up that you may not be able to answer.  There are some IA adoptions that I know about that aren't even closed but if you do want to pursue that avenue, it may be easiest to explain that to a child when they meet other kids growing up that have an OPEN adoption.  GL.

maryoosa

From all of the reading I've done, (and I've done loads), and from knowing people who have themselves been adopted in both open and closed adoptions, it's psychologically better for the child if the adoption is open.

 While I see what you are saying about "real" parents, I think if you talk to some folks on the board here and others that adoptive parents are the "real" parents and that the birth parent has a special other type of relationship with the child.

We are currently being considered for a completely open situation- someone found us through our very small network of friends, they know lots of things about us, we know their full name, they know ours, we all know where each other lives-- -it's one of those fluke situations... If we are selected, we're pretty much planning on a lot of involvement for as long as the birth parent is comfortable with that.

The children I know who are currently in open adoptions appreciate, and love having access to a birth parent who can answer their questions about their lives, in a way very different from those who had no contact and had to do a search and reunion when they hit adulthood. 

 The agency we work with asks adoptive parents to "rate" the level of openess they are comfortable with starting at "just pictures shared through the agency" and going up to "2+ visits, pictures, emails, phone calls, etc" and of course, this is all at the discretion of the birth parent. No matter how badly my partner and I want a child, we actually would refuse to be profiled in a closed adoption. We just don't want that for our child when so many options exist.

 

Dr.Loretta

Hi and welcome. I'm sorry you learned some difficult things from your reunion with your birthmother. That must have been a blow.

As the pp noted open adoption can mean a lot of things to a lot of people. At its most basic, there is simply some information shared between the families. That could be anything from some medical and other information the birthfamily leaves with an agency or the adoptive parents, to letters and pictures shared through a third party, to meetings in neutral locations, to complete openness. And everything in between.

In our situation, going into the adoption process, we were asked how open we wanted to be. DH and I decided we would be open to letters and pictures on a set schedule (a requirement with our agency), and 2 visits per year.

DD was born almost 3 years ago, and we were matched when she was 36 hours old. We met DD, her birthmom, and her birthgrandma. Since then we still visit 2x/year. One is an event that our agency holds, and one is something we plan on our own in a neutral location. DD's birthmom always comes with her mom, and has once brought her BFF to meet DD.

We are happy with our arrangement, and would actually like to have more contact with DD's birthmom! We set up a blog for her to see pictures and hear stories about DD more than just the letters and pictures we send. We'd love to be FB friends, but i don't know if she's open to that. DH recently suggested setting up an e-mail account so we can talk to her more privately than any conversations we have on our blog.

DD is stable and adjusted. However, she's not quite 3. I'm pretty sure there may be bumps in the road in terms of processing the fact that she was adopted and all that comes along with that. But I do my best to read up on adoption-related literature on how to handle these sorts of questions, etc. We are also not afraid to reach out to our social worker if we have questions or concerns.

I wanted to address your concern about an adopted child not feeling like  "real" part of their family. It's a common concern, so you are not alone. I think a lot of people view open adoption as some sort of co-parenting situation, and I would agree that this sort of thing would cause confusion for a child. But open adoption is NOT co-parenting. It's simply having the lines of communication open (however that may look) so that the birthfamily can know how their child is doing, and the child and their parents can have a place to go for questions and history. Our daughter is OUR daughter, no matter whether she looks like us or not. If you saw her with us and her birthfamily, you'd be very clear as to who the parents were.

I would encourage you to do some research into open adoption, as well as talking t people who are involved in open adoptions (like you're doing with this post!) to see what it looks like in reality and see if this is something you may want to consider. There's an FAQ at the top of the board that may have some resources for you, and we're in the process of trying to update some book recommendations for all sorts of adoption-related themes.

GL and post often.

Art Teacher

I'm sorry things weren't quite what you were hoping for when you met your birthmom. 

You asked about feelings on open vs. closed.  We have a very open adoption with our dd's birthmom and her family.  We don't have a relationship with her birthfather, but we are open to it. 

Our agency encourages openness as well.  They actually don't do closed adoptions at all unless it is strictly what the expectant parents want or if it is a safe haven type situation (where the baby was dropped off at a hospital or police station.) 

Our openness includes:  emails, texts (once in a while), being FB friends, sending updates/photos at specified times, sending gifts/cards, and having visits.  Our dd's birthmom asked for up to 2 visits a year up to age 18, but we've actually gotten together between 4-7 times a year.  DD is now 3.  We request some visits and her birthmom requests some.  It's a very flexible kind of thing for us...now her birthfamily is living out of state, so the number of visits will, unfortunately, be lower - at least for the next year or so.

I don't know how my DD will feel in the future about the openness, but right now it's good.  We talk about her birthfamily often and look at pictures.  DD loves visiting with them.  She talks with them, gives them hugs, plays, and acts silly with one of her birth uncles. They are family to her, and she is starting to understand the concept of a birthmother (at dd's level of understanding.)  I  look at it this way - we've done everything we can to have a really good relationship with her birthmom and her family.  We respect them and love them.  We want our dd to know where she came from, who she looks like, and what her medical background is.  We also want her to have a great relationship with her birthmom and the rest of the family. 

We also talk with DD about her adoption - it's just part of her story and part of who she is. 

We are very very happy with the openness we have but we would be fine if we had more visits (like I said, it's hard when people move), and we'd be fine if we had more contact online or through the mail. 

I would just say talk with your SW or CW and look at the benefits of openness and  then make a decison.  We also read a lot of blogs and books about it before making a final decision on it.  Maybe you could even talk with some other families who have already adopted through your agency.

irismorning

I was also adopted in a closed adoption situation. Like you I am comfortable and happy with the way it turned out. I have never felt the need to "search" for my biological parents. (My parents even encouraged me to search if I wanted to.)  I also have 4 cousins who were all adopted (closed). One of them searched and now regrets it. The rest of us have never attempted to find biological family. IMO even with the trend of open-adoption now, no one way is best for everyone.

My two sons were also adopted. We have a semi-closed (not sure of the proper language, this could be semi-open) adoption. We only have contact with one extended biological family member. I send pictures two times a year to this family member. The biological family knows my name, but for safety reasons does not know where we live or the children's names. I have the biological parents' information and if my children want to search for them later in life, I will support and help them. We speak honestly and often about adoption in our household. However, I believe in allowing the child to decide for themselves.

Mrs.Slick

Since LO was adopted internationally, it's technically closed. But we made sure to get any and all information we could.

We know his birth mother/father's names, the village where they live, the circumstances of their living situation, we know information on maternal grandparents, siblings, etc. He will be given age appropriate information as he asks. It was important for us to preserve everything possible. Of course we learned a lot in court but we also heard things here and there in passing. I have a journal full of random notes from when we would accidentally or perhaps it was purposefully hear something/anything.

We also know he has a bio brother who was adopted by another American family. We know the state in which they reside and his brother's birth name so we're looking to track them down in case the boys ever want to meet. We'll kind of leave the ball in their court when we track them down.

I guess what I'm trying to convey is that even with closed adoptions I think information the good, bad, and ugly is still important.

If down the line we ever adopt domestically we would like a semi open adoption communication through a third party so that LO can someday decide the level of openness because its their story, it's mostly their decision. I know that a few will disagree with me there though.

missmolly511

Thanks everyone! I will definitely be doing some more research. I guess I'm still pretty conflicted, but I really appreciate your experiences! Keep them coming!

lindsey1427

I was adopted before birth and my adoption was an open adoption.  I met with my birthmom and her mother about once a year.  We exchanged letters maybe twice a year.  This made it a lot easier for me to connect to my own history.  I found out the story of how my mom made the decision to put me up for adoption, and it gave me a lot of perspective on why she made that choice.  If I didn't know all the facts, I may think it was selfish or lazy, but instead I'm eternally grateful to her for making the tough decision to give me a better life.

 Knowing my birthmom also made me feel closer to my adoptive parents.  We could talk about the adoption process openly and it was just another factor that  made me unique, not some quiet secret.  In elementary school my class was learning about genetics and we were supposed to ask our grandparents questions about their inheritable traits (earlobes, hairs on knuckles, eye color, etc.).  I felt so left out in class and I went home to tell my [adoptive] mom about it.  She suggested that I call my biological grandma and ask her.  I did, got my answers, and had the best time presenting my findings to my class! 

My birthmom died when I was fairly young (2nd grade), but I think I was extremely lucky to know her and have the pictures I have.  When I was in 6th grade, my biological grandma passed away.  I went to her funeral and for the first (and only) time, I saw cousins who looked like me!!  That was such an incredible experience for an adopted kid.  I didn't keep in touch with them, but I still have the memories.

I can't really compare my experience to that of a closed adoption, but I know that I wouldn't change my open adoption for anything in the world.  Good luck!  

silliestbunny

Sorry that your experience was not good....  My first reaction to your story is that maybe the fact that you met so late in life, it was more difficult.  Does that make sense?

My husband and I came along way on what we were comfortable with.... but in the end, I do believe open adoption is positive in most circumstances.  A good read is "The Open Adoption BooK" by Bruce Rappaport, PhD.  (It might be difficult read since you have your own personal experiences.)

 The book and my outlook is that open adoption removes the mystique of the birth parents for our children.  Knowing who they are (even via letters) will help my girls know why their bms couldn't parent.  There won't be the room for fantasizing about what their life may have been like since we know details.  

Hope that helps some...

PS-  There are so many degrees of openness and just as many circumstances on why a birth mom places.  The story of one of my daughters involves a lovely young college student w/really high drive to go to medical school.  She had a fleeting romance which resulted in our daughter.  No drama w/this young woman at all.  

 

PSS-  Someone once made a comment which resonated w/me... most birth moms have their lives together and aren't what media portrays... it takes a lot of planning, courage, and thought to  make an adoption plan.  Media has a tendency to show the dramatic side of it all 

wither16

I have so been wanting to ask this question.  I am adopted, and we are working on our adoption journey as well.

I also had a horrible experience in finding my BM; and I wish I had never gone down that road.

I worry that I might not be able to provide an "objective" point of view for our adopted children.  Basically that I am so jaded by my own adoption that I would project that onto them.

I haven't really ran across anyone else who had a bad experience that was also adopting, so it's nice to see I'm not in a boat alone.

Is that something that you are concerned with, having a bad experience yourself?  I feel like I want not just a closed adoption, but a sealed tight, ain't ever gonna open up adoption due to this. 

I am afraid my own hesitations might cost us a match if I am honest about my personal feelings towards an open/semi open etc.

 

missmolly511

silliestbunny:

Sorry that your experience was not good....  My first reaction to your story is that maybe the fact that you met so late in life, it was more difficult.  Does that make sense?

My husband and I came along way on what we were comfortable with.... but in the end, I do believe open adoption is positive in most circumstances.  A good read is "The Open Adoption BooK" by Bruce Rappaport, PhD.  (It might be difficult read since you have your own personal experiences.)

 The book and my outlook is that open adoption removes the mystique of the birth parents for our children.  Knowing who they are (even via letters) will help my girls know why their bms couldn't parent.  There won't be the room for fantasizing about what their life may have been like since we know details.  

Hope that helps some...

PS-  There are so many degrees of openness and just as many circumstances on why a birth mom places.  The story of one of my daughters involves a lovely young college student w/really high drive to go to medical school.  She had a fleeting romance which resulted in our daughter.  No drama w/this young woman at all.  

 

PSS-  Someone once made a comment which resonated w/me... most birth moms have their lives together and aren't what media portrays... it takes a lot of planning, courage, and thought to  make an adoption plan.  Media has a tendency to show the dramatic side of it all 

Thank you!  In my case, I think a closed adoption was in my best interest. My BM's story was one of those dramatic "media" cases involving things that IMO are not appropriate to tell a child about, even if it would have removed the mystique over why my biological parents weren't parenting me.

I will have to find that book!

 

And I can't figure out how to"quote" another poster in the same reply, but to the poster who shared her positive experience, it warms my heart to hear good adoption stories! And I too remember feeling that excited when I saw pictures of my bio-brothers who looked like me- amazing.

missmolly511

wither16:

I have so been wanting to ask this question.  I am adopted, and we are working on our adoption journey as well.

I also had a horrible experience in finding my BM; and I wish I had never gone down that road.

I worry that I might not be able to provide an "objective" point of view for our adopted children.  Basically that I am so jaded by my own adoption that I would project that onto them.

I haven't really ran across anyone else who had a bad experience that was also adopting, so it's nice to see I'm not in a boat alone.

Is that something that you are concerned with, having a bad experience yourself?  I feel like I want not just a closed adoption, but a sealed tight, ain't ever gonna open up adoption due to this. 

I am afraid my own hesitations might cost us a match if I am honest about my personal feelings towards an open/semi open etc.

 

 

Here are my jaded feelings:

1) There is probably a good reason the birthmother can't parent. Not all of them are noble reasons. Lots of those reasons boil down to drugs and other things that I would not permit any child of mine to associate with, nor with anyone who participates in them, even if they were the biological parent. I rarely if ever allow my MIL to visit our daughter for this very reason.

2) An adopted child already feels different enough- stop reminding them. And if adopted as a newborn, how does it benefit the child to have contact with the birthparents? Except as another reminder, in addition to the questions from classmates and randoms at the grocery store. Part of me heavily agrees that contact should be up to the adoptee, not forced on them.

3) My parents explained my adoption to me at a young age- through storybooks, etc- but after a time, once they were sure I understood it, they stopped bringing it up. And I am eternally grateful for that. They treated me no differently, always answered my questions when I had them, but otherwise pretended I wasn't adopted, and I often forget I am! It is a lifelong struggle for some adoptees to deal with feelings of "not belonging" and I worry that too much openness could exacerbate them because the child will never be allowed to forget that they came from somewhere "else."

 I know I only feel this way because of my own experiences, 100%. I want to be open to an open adoption but I think my level of openness is way, way lower than what the agency seems to normally organize. I worry we'll never get a match if I insist on a sealed tight plan.

wither16

missmolly511:

wither16:

I have so been wanting to ask this question.  I am adopted, and we are working on our adoption journey as well.

I also had a horrible experience in finding my BM; and I wish I had never gone down that road.

I worry that I might not be able to provide an "objective" point of view for our adopted children.  Basically that I am so jaded by my own adoption that I would project that onto them.

I haven't really ran across anyone else who had a bad experience that was also adopting, so it's nice to see I'm not in a boat alone.

Is that something that you are concerned with, having a bad experience yourself?  I feel like I want not just a closed adoption, but a sealed tight, ain't ever gonna open up adoption due to this. 

I am afraid my own hesitations might cost us a match if I am honest about my personal feelings towards an open/semi open etc.

 

 

Here are my jaded feelings:

1) There is probably a good reason the birthmother can't parent. Not all of them are noble reasons. Lots of those reasons boil down to drugs and other things that I would not permit any child of mine to associate with, nor with anyone who participates in them, even if they were the biological parent. I rarely if ever allow my MIL to visit our daughter for this very reason.

2) An adopted child already feels different enough- stop reminding them. And if adopted as a newborn, how does it benefit the child to have contact with the birthparents? Except as another reminder, in addition to the questions from classmates and randoms at the grocery store. Part of me heavily agrees that contact should be up to the adoptee, not forced on them.

3) My parents explained my adoption to me at a young age- through storybooks, etc- but after a time, once they were sure I understood it, they stopped bringing it up. And I am eternally grateful for that. They treated me no differently, always answered my questions when I had them, but otherwise pretended I wasn't adopted, and I often forget I am! It is a lifelong struggle for some adoptees to deal with feelings of "not belonging" and I worry that too much openness could exacerbate them because the child will never be allowed to forget that they came from somewhere "else."

 I know I only feel this way because of my own experiences, 100%. I want to be open to an open adoption but I think my level of openness is way, way lower than what the agency seems to normally organize. I worry we'll never get a match if I insist on a sealed tight plan.

 

I think we are long lost soul sisters- I couldn't have said it any better myself.  Obviously, I LOVE adoption and LOVE my family that chose me, but it's not always rainbows and puppy dogs for the adoptee.  I met my bio-family at 17 and it caused me a lot of issues during that time.