I just knew this was going to happen...

MamaOpp

So my husband's best friend's wife is throwing my shower 1) because she offered and 2) because I wanted someone neutral to do so if I was going to have one at all. Let me explain...

My husband's parents are divorced and his dad has since remarried. This woman is lovely, kind, compassionate, funny, and giving which is more than I could have asked for in a MIL.

My husband's mom is still bitter over the divorce (which happened more than 10 years ago) and apparently she got into a physical altercation with one of the women her ex-husband was dating 7 or 8 years ago. 

So when his mom stopped by yesterday I told her to be looking out for a baby shower invitation and I gave her the heads up that the other MIL and my 15 year old SIL are also invited. She immediately stopped packing up her stuff and just looked at me.

"I'm not coming" she said and my husband just looked at her. I had told him that she wouldn't come and that she can't put her bitterness aside for the sake of her grandchild. It made me angry - seriously? It's for a few hours and they don't have to sit next to each other: I'm not expecting them to be best friends, although I wish they could get to know each other. 

I made my case to her for 15 minutes and she still didn't say anything.

My husband says she'll show. What now? I mean is this the childish behavior I have to deal with at every function for the baby? I can't invite her and my FIL/ MIL to the little one's birthdays?

Ugh this is so frustrating!  

BeckyTheEngineer

Frankly, it is her loss. I would have told her about the invite, then leave it alone. You are wasting your 15 minutes, and time worrying. I wouldn't think that this is that she "can't be the bigger person for the baby" because the shower is about you.

MrsI

We had a similar discussion with MIL recently. Although FIL is not remarried or even dating but she's remarried and has a 16yo. She was butt hurt they were both invited to Thanksgiving at our place and went to Vegas instead to throw her hissy fit. She said "don't you think it would be kind of uncomfortable? Well I guess you'd never know you haven't been put in they situation." I kindly explains that I felt sacrifices were made for our children and grandchildren and I would not have 6 holidays in two months with Thanksgiving and Christmas. I also would not have multiple birthdays, etc so if she was uncomfortable that was on her and she would be missing events. To her it was just two holidays one with FIL and one with her she was completely forgetting about my family.

TBH I can't tell you how the next holiday will play out but I think she realized we have our children's best interest in mind and as an adult she can chose to suck it up and act like a big girl or not come. IMO if you give in now you always will and you will never enjoy yourself feeling pulled in 100 directions.

HTH some and wasn't too long winded lol

EastCoastBride

My MIL didn't come to my wedding shower OR my baby shower (6 years later!) for pretty much no reason.  THe day of "Oh I'm sick and cant' come".  WHich was a load of crap.  I actually expected it, though, both times, so I wasn't shocked.

My advice - do nothing.  If she shows, great.  If she doesn't, move on.  The thing is - the shower really is more for you than the baby anyhow.  You're pregnant.  The baby actually isn't here.  Don't let this become a bigger thing than it needs to be.  At least on YOUR end. 

I do get it- there is an expectation of the grandmothers being there, and yes, she is absolutely petty about this.  But her attendance isn't a requirement.  Don't give her too much power here.  Focus on who WILL be there. 

I think the less you react to this and the less a big deal you make it, it will make more of an impact than if you flipped out, stopped talking to her (or whatever), etc.  She's going to get it- her attendance isn't mandatory and you're going to move forward with or without her. 

It 100% puts it on HER to decide how the future will go and how her involvement will be.  She probably will pitch a fit at the next event where everyone is invited.  But I think if you stand strong and say "Well, we'll miss you" and move on - again, that's going to make a bigger impact than trying to talk her into it for 15 mintues.

Talking to her, getting mad, etc only tells her that she has power and if she just keeps up at it long enough- you'll cave and do what she wants. And the fights will only get worse moving forward. Even if yo udon't give in. But if you FIGHT, it will only add to the problem.

Let her be petty and let HER miss out on her grandchilds life. That's HER choice. Again- focus on who truly, actively, wants to be involved.

cinderin

She is an adult. She can either attend or not.

You invited her.

I dont see the point in arguing about it. She can pick how she wants to act: pitch a fit, bad mouth you to family, make a scene, scream, sulk, give you the silent treatment.

You get to pick how you respond. That's it. That's all you have control over. I would just be polite and not alow yourself to get sucked into the drama. Mostly, I would ignore it.

rhubarb123

msspeedymarie:

EastCoastBride:

I think the less you react to this and the less a big deal you make it, it will make more of an impact than if you flipped out, stopped talking to her (or whatever), etc.  She's going to get it- her attendance isn't mandatory and you're going to move forward with or without her. 

It 100% puts it on HER to decide how the future will go and how her involvement will be.  She probably will pitch a fit at the next event where everyone is invited.  But I think if you stand strong and say "Well, we'll miss you" and move on - again, that's going to make a bigger impact than trying to talk her into it for 15 mintues.

This is genius advice.

I agree with this.  We have a family member who "disowned" his own daughter.  Well, when we have get-togethers EVERYONE is invited.  They decide whether to come or not.  He will actually call now to see if she is invited and of course we say yes and we don't know if she is coming or not.  At least he got to see his two grandsons he's never acknowledged.  lol

526SadieSadie

It's a sucky situation but it's her loss if she can't get over it. 

I've said several times on this board that the most uncomfortable afternoon of my entire life was my best friend's baby shower - both sides were divorced and remarried so there were groups of women from four families in one living room who hated each others guts- and me.  You could cut the tension with a knife.

The point I'm trying to make is maybe it's for the best if MIL doesn't go.  If you invite her and FIL/SMIL over to your home for events, it will also be her loss if she misses out.  You can't go making separate parties and things for the rest of their lives.

RedLipstick69

EastCoastBride:

My MIL didn't come to my wedding shower OR my baby shower (6 years later!) for pretty much no reason.  THe day of "Oh I'm sick and cant' come".  WHich was a load of crap.  I actually expected it, though, both times, so I wasn't shocked.

My advice - do nothing.  If she shows, great.  If she doesn't, move on.  The thing is - the shower really is more for you than the baby anyhow.  You're pregnant.  The baby actually isn't here.  Don't let this become a bigger thing than it needs to be.  At least on YOUR end. 

I do get it- there is an expectation of the grandmothers being there, and yes, she is absolutely petty about this.  But her attendance isn't a requirement.  Don't give her too much power here.  Focus on who WILL be there. 

I think the less you react to this and the less a big deal you make it, it will make more of an impact than if you flipped out, stopped talking to her (or whatever), etc.  She's going to get it- her attendance isn't mandatory and you're going to move forward with or without her. 

It 100% puts it on HER to decide how the future will go and how her involvement will be.  She probably will pitch a fit at the next event where everyone is invited.  But I think if you stand strong and say "Well, we'll miss you" and move on - again, that's going to make a bigger impact than trying to talk her into it for 15 mintues.

Talking to her, getting mad, etc only tells her that she has power and if she just keeps up at it long enough- you'll cave and do what she wants. And the fights will only get worse moving forward. Even if yo udon't give in. But if you FIGHT, it will only add to the problem.

Let her be petty and let HER miss out on her grandchilds life. That's HER choice. Again- focus on who truly, actively, wants to be involved.

MamaOpp

Thank so much for everyone's advice. It really gave me a different perspective on things.

This woman, who I am convinced to this day that she isn't very fond of me (like I care), also invites us for "her" Thanksgiving and Christmas which I think is ridiculous. I usually don't even spend 15 minutes talking to her about anything because every conversation is so awkward. I did it to please my husband and I think she knows that she can come or not come but also that she better not complain to my SIL that she feels left out.

Ugh, seriously, I just wish people could be more grown up.

Have a great week ladies!

Anne1989

If she really cannot put her differences aside with the woman, it is probably very, very good that she isn't coming. I would look at it as a potential blessing because the last thing you need is a screaming or possibly even a physical fight at the baby shower.

Adam&Eve2

EastCoastBride:

My MIL didn't come to my wedding shower OR my baby shower (6 years later!) for pretty much no reason.  THe day of "Oh I'm sick and cant' come".  WHich was a load of crap.  I actually expected it, though, both times, so I wasn't shocked.

My advice - do nothing.  If she shows, great.  If she doesn't, move on.  The thing is - the shower really is more for you than the baby anyhow.  You're pregnant.  The baby actually isn't here.  Don't let this become a bigger thing than it needs to be.  At least on YOUR end. 

I do get it- there is an expectation of the grandmothers being there, and yes, she is absolutely petty about this.  But her attendance isn't a requirement.  Don't give her too much power here.  Focus on who WILL be there. 

I think the less you react to this and the less a big deal you make it, it will make more of an impact than if you flipped out, stopped talking to her (or whatever), etc.  She's going to get it- her attendance isn't mandatory and you're going to move forward with or without her. 

It 100% puts it on HER to decide how the future will go and how her involvement will be.  She probably will pitch a fit at the next event where everyone is invited.  But I think if you stand strong and say "Well, we'll miss you" and move on - again, that's going to make a bigger impact than trying to talk her into it for 15 mintues.

Talking to her, getting mad, etc only tells her that she has power and if she just keeps up at it long enough- you'll cave and do what she wants. And the fights will only get worse moving forward. Even if yo udon't give in. But if you FIGHT, it will only add to the problem.

Let her be petty and let HER miss out on her grandchilds life. That's HER choice. Again- focus on who truly, actively, wants to be involved.

ECB is 100% right on with this. I completely agree.

OP, I really hope you can take her advice. I know it is much easier said than done, but give it a good try and see what happens.

I also agree with PP's, you shouldn't spend so much time stressing about it. Let her act like a child, it has no bearing on you. GL!