How do you help DH feel involved without his body being involved?

liz4paws

DH and I are very excited and optimistic about our upcoming FET using our adopted donor embryos. However, I wonder sometimes how it it must feel for DH in his specific position where his physical body has no involvement in creation of this baby whatsoever. During a couple of casual conversations (and even serious ones) he recognizes and verbalizes that he has "no physical part in any of it" and this makes my heart sink. He's right though, his body has no part at all. It really came as a slap in the face when the FDA required him by law to get infectious disease screening in preparation for our cycle. He said it was just insult to injury.

These being adopted embryos means that neither of us will have a genetic link to our children. But if our FET works, God willing, I get to carry this baby and it gets to grow inside of me because my body nourishes it. My body most certainly has a link to the baby even if my genes didn't decide what it will look like.

DH fully understands he will be this baby's father, and is so incredibly excited. I don't want to make it sound like he's at all detached. But I can tell there's the piece of him  that feels just like a bystander and is just watching as everyone else works to make this happen.

Does anyone else have this feeling for their husband with donor sperm or with DEmbryos? Was there anything you do or did to help make DH (or partner) feel involved despite his body not being required? 

reb259

Hugs...I am sorry I am not in the same situation but I can understand his feelings.  I am adopted and not genetically linked to either of my parents.  A parent as you both know is so much more than genetics.  My parents are my parents and i am so much like my mom (nature vs nuture)...  For what it is worth, I have never said to either of my parents that you are not my real parents.  They are my real parents.  I did have friends growing up that I can remember them screaming at their parents I wish I were never born.

I have also included a link you might find interesting...

https://tpvedo.blogspot.com/2009/07/women-who-give-birth-to-donor-egg.html

crene84

I think the fact that we adopted DD as a newborn, DH already knows how much he can love a baby not genetically tied to him.  I am not sure if he will have any issues with the fact that I will be "more" tied to baby #2 if I get pregnant with embryo adoption, but again, he already knows the bond he has with DD so I doubt it'll be an issue.  What you're saying is totally understandable though.  At least you know that when your LO arrives, none of that will matter anymore.

TwinMommyDoubleBlessings

We have DEmbryo twins.

My hubby was very involved in medical process of getting pg, selecting donor, traveling back/forth to the clinic, giving me shots in the rear every night, holding my hand, listening to my fears of failure again. So he was invested from the beginning of the cycle process.

Once I was pg, I had a horrible pg that required him to step in even more than normal to take care of me, take care of the house, take care of most everything so I could focus on staying pg and my health. He did all the normal dad things like run out for rocky road ice cream at midnight because I had to have it too, but he went above and beyond in so many other ways.  He got to feel them kick in my tummy.  He got to talk to them and sing to them in utero.  Just like any normal expecting father.  He went to dr appt and every u/s and was totally in love with them before they were ever born.  Then when we almost lost one at birth, the bond was magnified and intensified and like Dr. Seuss' The Grinch... "our hearts grew 3x bigger that day" and our love was beyond comprehension for our children.

My point being, he didn't need a genetic link to the babies to feel like he was their father. The pg experience was a time of bonding for both of us and that is one reason we chose donor embryos over domestic infant adoption.   We really wanted to experience pg together.  He got a chance to do all the normal dad things getting ready for the baby and taking care of his pg wife.  No need to focus on whose genetics those babies had, they were ours through and through long before the birth.

liz4paws

TwinMommyDoubleBlessings:

We have DEmbryo twins.

My hubby was very involved in medical process of getting pg, selecting donor, traveling back/forth to the clinic, giving me shots in the rear every night, holding my hand, listening to my fears of failure again. So he was invested from the beginning of the cycle process.

Once I was pg, I had a horrible pg that required him to step in even more than normal to take care of me, take care of the house, take care of most everything so I could focus on staying pg and my health. He did all the normal dad things like run out for rocky road ice cream at midnight because I had to have it too, but he went above and beyond in so many other ways.  He got to feel them kick in my tummy.  He got to talk to them and sing to them in utero.  Just like any normal expecting father.  He went to dr appt and every u/s and was totally in love with them before they were ever born.  Then when we almost lost one at birth, the bond was magnified and intensified and like Dr. Seuss' The Grinch... "our hearts grew 3x bigger that day" and our love was beyond comprehension for our children.

My point being, he didn't need a genetic link to the babies to feel like he was their father. The pg experience was a time of bonding for both of us and that is one reason we chose donor embryos over domestic infant adoption.   We really wanted to experience pg together.  He got a chance to do all the normal dad things getting ready for the baby and taking care of his pg wife.  No need to focus on whose genetics those babies had, they were ours through and through long before the birth.

Thanks. I'm sure you're right and I have no doubt that as this process goes along he will also feel the natural love you speak of. But at the moment, he recognizes that his physical body has no work in any of this and it's a hard pill to swallow. It's probably more of an issue in my head than it is in his but I wish there were things i could intentionally do to help him feel involved at this point in the process beyond what I'm already doing.  

TwinMommyDoubleBlessings

Liz - sorry my response was not helpful

 ugh!

I know what I am trying to say, but its not coming out right. 

sorry.

melkel559

Hey there,

Wish I could help, I can only just relate. It's definitely hard because I am working on choosing donors, the "hopefully" baby will be half mine, and I can't help but feel awful that it seems like I am shopping for another father, like I am committing adultery or something. Obviously I know that sperm is not a father but at the same time it is so emasculating for DH to accept that another man can possibly give us with a child when he can't. He doesn't talk too much about his feelings (I think because he is so exhausted from our recent events and because it is not a fun subject) but he has said things like "I just wish my body worked right" and "I am just feeling sorry for myself lately but I'll get over it." It sucks so much. I actually googled articles today hoping to find something written from a man's point of view, a father raising a child/wife pregnant provided by third party reproduction and couldn't find anything. So for any of you ladies, if any of your DH's want to chime in on your account, feel free to let them express their experiences & opinions!

liz4paws

TwinMommyDoubleBlessings:

Liz - sorry my response was not helpful

 ugh!

I know what I am trying to say, but its not coming out right. 

sorry.

Aww you did help! It's really refreshing to hear you say what I had hoped would be our future - that eventually none of it matters at all and the love that the father and child is huge despite genes or bodies. This is very helpful! 

liz4paws

melkel559:

Hey there,

Wish I could help, I can only just relate. It's definitely hard because I am working on choosing donors, the "hopefully" baby will be half mine, and I can't help but feel awful that it seems like I am shopping for another father, like I am committing adultery or something. Obviously I know that sperm is not a father but at the same time it is so emasculating for DH to accept that another man can possibly give us with a child when he can't. He doesn't talk too much about his feelings (I think because he is so exhausted from our recent events and because it is not a fun subject) but he has said things like "I just wish my body worked right" and "I am just feeling sorry for myself lately but I'll get over it." It sucks so much. I actually googled articles today hoping to find something written from a man's point of view, a father raising a child/wife pregnant provided by third party reproduction and couldn't find anything. So for any of you ladies, if any of your DH's want to chime in on your account, feel free to let them express their experiences & opinions!

While we didn't use DS, we had talked about it when we thought we were just MFI and didn't know about our DOR yet. I remember feeling precisely like what you're saying - that somehow I'm cheating on my husband with DS. It's a hard pill to swallow.

I would just love to find some articles from a male's perspective on all of this too so if you find anything at all, please share. I think I use my own frame of reference to put my emotions on what I think he must be feeling based on how I feel. But I get to carry this baby and he doesn't. And that would make me feel left-out if I were in his shoes. He says he is okay with everything and is very excited. But those words of "my body has no part in this" really feels like a knife to my heart. I wish I could fast-forward to the part where our baby is born and he's holding it in his arms. I  know that it won't matter at all then but I don't want him to miss out on these other crucial moments in our journey because he feels like a bystander instead of a participant.

The hardest part of our entire painful battle with infertility has been been when I think about my husband suffering. I would lay down on a bed of hot coals a million times over before I'd ever let my husband suffer. I know of course that I can't keep him from feeling pain, but I just wish there was a way to help him know that he is the father right now - at this juncture of the process. I don't know if that makes any sense. I wish there were things I could intentionally do to help him feel more involved.

Sorry for the babble, just trying to figure out a good way to express it and I'm not quite sure how.

I'm so glad there's a group of women here who can understand! 

melkel559

liz4paws:

melkel559:

Hey there,

Wish I could help, I can only just relate. It's definitely hard because I am working on choosing donors, the "hopefully" baby will be half mine, and I can't help but feel awful that it seems like I am shopping for another father, like I am committing adultery or something. Obviously I know that sperm is not a father but at the same time it is so emasculating for DH to accept that another man can possibly give us with a child when he can't. He doesn't talk too much about his feelings (I think because he is so exhausted from our recent events and because it is not a fun subject) but he has said things like "I just wish my body worked right" and "I am just feeling sorry for myself lately but I'll get over it." It sucks so much. I actually googled articles today hoping to find something written from a man's point of view, a father raising a child/wife pregnant provided by third party reproduction and couldn't find anything. So for any of you ladies, if any of your DH's want to chime in on your account, feel free to let them express their experiences & opinions!

While we didn't use DS, we had talked about it when we thought we were just MFI and didn't know about our DOR yet. I remember feeling precisely like what you're saying - that somehow I'm cheating on my husband with DS. It's a hard pill to swallow.

I would just love to find some articles from a male's perspective on all of this too so if you find anything at all, please share. I think I use my own frame of reference to put my emotions on what I think he must be feeling based on how I feel. But I get to carry this baby and he doesn't. And that would make me feel left-out if I were in his shoes. He says he is okay with everything and is very excited. But those words of "my body has no part in this" really feels like a knife to my heart. I wish I could fast-forward to the part where our baby is born and he's holding it in his arms. I  know that it won't matter at all then but I don't want him to miss out on these other crucial moments in our journey because he feels like a bystander instead of a participant.

The hardest part of our entire painful battle with infertility has been been when I think about my husband suffering. I would lay down on a bed of hot coals a million times over before I'd ever let my husband suffer. I know of course that I can't keep him from feeling pain, but I just wish there was a way to help him know that he is the father right now - at this juncture of the process. I don't know if that makes any sense. I wish there were things I could intentionally do to help him feel more involved.

Sorry for the babble, just trying to figure out a good way to express it and I'm not quite sure how.

I'm so glad there's a group of women here who can understand! 

 

EXACTLY how I feel. Especially about fast-forwarding to the part where the baby is born and wishing he felt like the father right now. Because he is! And your DH is too! I can just imagine though what they are feeling and I so wish I could help my DH and take any of his pain away. One of the many reasons why IF is so incredibly unfair. I hate every bit of it. Hopefully one day it will all be worth it for all of us! 

liz4paws

reb259:

Hugs...I am sorry I am not in the same situation but I can understand his feelings.  I am adopted and not genetically linked to either of my parents.  A parent as you both know is so much more than genetics.  My parents are my parents and i am so much like my mom (nature vs nuture)...  For what it is worth, I have never said to either of my parents that you are not my real parents.  They are my real parents.  I did have friends growing up that I can remember them screaming at their parents I wish I were never born.

I have also included a link you might find interesting...

https://tpvedo.blogspot.com/2009/07/women-who-give-birth-to-donor-egg.html

Thank you for sharing, this is great. I am terrified of the fact that neither of us are genetically related to our children becoming a hot point for them as teenagers. To imagine trying to keep my head on straight as my teenager is yelling at me terrifies me. I hope our children are as kind to us as you have been to your parents.  

melkel559

reb259:

Hugs...I am sorry I am not in the same situation but I can understand his feelings.  I am adopted and not genetically linked to either of my parents.  A parent as you both know is so much more than genetics.  My parents are my parents and i am so much like my mom (nature vs nuture)...  For what it is worth, I have never said to either of my parents that you are not my real parents.  They are my real parents.  I did have friends growing up that I can remember them screaming at their parents I wish I were never born.

I have also included a link you might find interesting...

https://tpvedo.blogspot.com/2009/07/women-who-give-birth-to-donor-egg.html

 

I'm adopted too! Never in a million years could I have ever said to my parents that they aren't my real parents. In fact I always find it offensive when people who find out I am adopted look at me almost with some kind of sympathy and say things like "Have you ever looked into finding your real parents?" To which the response is always "No, my parents are my real parents." I think this may help us to guide our children, if we are so blessed to have them, throughout their lives. We have been there and can relate to ignorant comments. We are also proof that blood ties are not needed to create a family. 

liz4paws

melkel559:

reb259:

Hugs...I am sorry I am not in the same situation but I can understand his feelings.  I am adopted and not genetically linked to either of my parents.  A parent as you both know is so much more than genetics.  My parents are my parents and i am so much like my mom (nature vs nuture)...  For what it is worth, I have never said to either of my parents that you are not my real parents.  They are my real parents.  I did have friends growing up that I can remember them screaming at their parents I wish I were never born.

I have also included a link you might find interesting...

https://tpvedo.blogspot.com/2009/07/women-who-give-birth-to-donor-egg.html

 

I'm adopted too! Never in a million years could I have ever said to my parents that they aren't my real parents. In fact I always find it offensive when people who find out I am adopted look at me almost with some kind of sympathy and say things like "Have you ever looked into finding your real parents?" To which the response is always "No, my parents are my real parents." I think this may help us to guide our children, if we are so blessed to have them, throughout their lives. We have been there and can relate to ignorant comments. We are also proof that blood ties are not needed to create a family. 

This warms my heart SO MUCH, ladies! 

reb259

melkel559:

reb259:

Hugs...I am sorry I am not in the same situation but I can understand his feelings.  I am adopted and not genetically linked to either of my parents.  A parent as you both know is so much more than genetics.  My parents are my parents and i am so much like my mom (nature vs nuture)...  For what it is worth, I have never said to either of my parents that you are not my real parents.  They are my real parents.  I did have friends growing up that I can remember them screaming at their parents I wish I were never born.

I have also included a link you might find interesting...

https://tpvedo.blogspot.com/2009/07/women-who-give-birth-to-donor-egg.html

I'm adopted too! Never in a million years could I have ever said to my parents that they aren't my real parents. In fact I always find it offensive when people who find out I am adopted look at me almost with some kind of sympathy and say things like "Have you ever looked into finding your real parents?" To which the response is always "No, my parents are my real parents." I think this may help us to guide our children, if we are so blessed to have them, throughout their lives. We have been there and can relate to ignorant comments. We are also proof that blood ties are not needed to create a family. 

I agree...it is also offensive when read about public figures who have adopted children and the media ALWAYS preface child with "adopted" ...

I also think it will help to guide...not sure about you but I can never remember a time I didnt know I was adopted. 

melkel559

reb259:

melkel559:

reb259:

Hugs...I am sorry I am not in the same situation but I can understand his feelings.  I am adopted and not genetically linked to either of my parents.  A parent as you both know is so much more than genetics.  My parents are my parents and i am so much like my mom (nature vs nuture)...  For what it is worth, I have never said to either of my parents that you are not my real parents.  They are my real parents.  I did have friends growing up that I can remember them screaming at their parents I wish I were never born.

I have also included a link you might find interesting...

https://tpvedo.blogspot.com/2009/07/women-who-give-birth-to-donor-egg.html

I'm adopted too! Never in a million years could I have ever said to my parents that they aren't my real parents. In fact I always find it offensive when people who find out I am adopted look at me almost with some kind of sympathy and say things like "Have you ever looked into finding your real parents?" To which the response is always "No, my parents are my real parents." I think this may help us to guide our children, if we are so blessed to have them, throughout their lives. We have been there and can relate to ignorant comments. We are also proof that blood ties are not needed to create a family. 

I agree...it is also offensive when read about public figures who have adopted children and the media ALWAYS preface child with "adopted" ...

I also think it will help to guide...not sure about you but I can never remember a time I didnt know I was adopted. 

Yep my parents read age appropriate books about adoption to me at such a young age which planted the idea and my mom said they gave me more and more info as I got older and could comprehend more. But yes, like you, I remember being told that I am adopted like I remember my birth..which is obviously not at all  

JM1977

I know how hard it to be patient when you are worried about your DH's feelings.  I wish there were more you could do at this point, too, but I think the most helpful thing is just to tell him that you recognize what this might be like for him to go through this and how difficult it probably is to have to wait to feel more involved.  I would just reassure him that it will happen (for sure!) and that you will be there every step of the way.  

My DH went through, this, too.  It just came up again recently when he had to have his infectious disease testing redone when I did my FET (in another state no less with absolutely no involvement from him!).  So he kind of feels again like he's not really involved with this possible pregnancy.  But he knows he will be because he's already experienced it with our DD.  He was in school when she was born and had a flexible schedule, so he was actually her primary caregiver from when I went back to work at 3 months until about 9 months.  That time was great for their bonding.  Spending that much time with her gave him no choice but to feel involved  

liz4paws

JM1977:

I know how hard it to be patient when you are worried about your DH's feelings.  I wish there were more you could do at this point, too, but I think the most helpful thing is just to tell him that you recognize what this might be like for him to go through this and how difficult it probably is to have to wait to feel more involved.  I would just reassure him that it will happen (for sure!) and that you will be there every step of the way.  

My DH went through, this, too.  It just came up again recently when he had to have his infectious disease testing redone when I did my FET (in another state no less with absolutely no involvement from him!).  So he kind of feels again like he's not really involved with this possible pregnancy.  But he knows he will be because he's already experienced it with our DD.  He was in school when she was born and had a flexible schedule, so he was actually her primary caregiver from when I went back to work at 3 months until about 9 months.  That time was great for their bonding.  Spending that much time with her gave him no choice but to feel involved  

You're right, I'm glad you replied and weighed in. I'm going to try to do a better job of acknowledging what this must be like for him to him. I can't wait until we have a baby in our arms....