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October 2011 Moms
chulita425
member
MIL issues! Long..
chulita425
member
Let me start by saying the IL's are great people, very nice and we get alone great. Well she lives about a minute away and sees DS about once a week. I always drop him off and pick him up, no biggie right. Well I'm currently with my parents to give birth due to DH being away so I keep DS's car seat in the main car which my dad takes to work at night. MIL only takes DS's in the evening so I've been using the infant seat to pick him up-again no big deal. We spoke about the car seat and I told her it's a bit difficult to just pick up and install in the other cars plus I just don't want to do it, there's no need right now to drive myself crazy. She texts today asking for him and I told her I won't have any car at all tonight due to my parents working so she said ok and told me she would like her own car seat and my thoughts on it. I trust them but I'm really hesitant and am pretty sure I don't want her to have her own for a number of reason, 1) I don't want her to just have the freedom to pick up and leave with DS whenever (I doubt this but still) 2) I'm big on car seat safety so I want a good seat, RF etc (which I obviously would tell her this) and 3) I highly doubt she'd leave it in her car 24/7 which means she'd be taking it in and out, what if she doesn't properly install it??? Or decides its just a quick trip so not install something to make the process quicker? I know I'm probably taking this to heart a little too much but then here is why I have my doubts..I was reading through a fb message from DH and her and when he was last deployed DS and I came home when he was 5 weeks old. That's when he met all of them and that first visit I stayed at the house to hang out, see if he was ok with other people and I was BFing. Well I read in the convo that MIL's mom could not "bless/baptize" him because I ended up staying at the house the whole time. First off I was pissed but never said anything because I totally hacked into his account lol but seriously that to me is just WRONG and UNACCEPTABLE!! She's in for a shock when DS2 comes and won't be staying there alone, but I won't even get into this because its a whole other issue. I know they eventually did it because I leave DS there alone sometimes. If she could freaking bless/baptize my child without my knowledge/permission why should I trust her???? Am I wrong to tell her I don't want her to get a car seat? I would obviously be nice of course.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: MIL issues! Long..
Your post is a little confusing but...
A couple of things
I personally wouldn't let my MIL drive my kids around, she's crazy though. If you trust your MIL let her, but honestly its your call as a mother. It does sound like you will have to reinstall the car seat each time, just to ensure safety. It doesn't hurt to check the seats occasionally anyway.
As for the lying part and the keeping secrets.... It is not ok that your DH didn't tell you his mother was trying to sneak things behind your back. I could totally see my MIL doing something sneaky behind my back (or trying to) but my DH would tell me without a doubt. If you feel like your MIL and DH are keeping secrets from you, you need to address this with your DH when he gets back. AND that would be grounds for me to say no, you may not drive my child around or get your own car seat.
Sorry for anything confusing, I did a bump and run due to cooking dinner. Anyways yes that's me, I don't necessary think they keep secrets from me but it worries me because I do know they have one and its that whole baptizing my son behind my back thing! Don't get me wrong I love her, FIL and SIL to death but what if there are other things I don't know about? Maybe my hormones are probably making me extra paranoid. Also every time she asks for DS she gets him, even if I had prior plans I change them around to make sure she gets to spend time with him. Today was the first time I told her if we could reschedule for another day. I also feel like I live so close by and she sees him pretty much only once a week why would she feel the need to take him out?
See my MIL isn't crazy and she is a good driver but that isn't what worries me. I don't know if DH didn't tell me because he was deployed and then when we spoke it slipped his mind or maybe he thought it was ok and no big deal, or maybe he knew I'd be pissed. I just found out recently so it happened a long time when DS was around 5-6 weeks old. I feel like because I was never told about it I shouldn't let her drive him around so I'm glad you agree! Also if she did it once before I'm now wondering if she plans to do it again with DS2 and again not tell me.
She baptized your kid behind your back?
Nope. Trust is gone!
I have two questions;
1. Are you saying that you feel like she's going to use her carseat to drive your child to be baptized?
2. What is your issue with the baptism? Don't get me wrong you have 100% right to make this decision for your kid, but is it that you're not religious so you think it's unimportant or that you have a different belief system and thus are offended by the idea?
The reason why I ask is because some people (a friend went through this with her parents) feel like an unbaptized baby is a horrible thing. My friend is not religious at all, but she is not anti religion. They fought for MONTHS. When she realized that her mom wasn't sleeping at night for fear and worry about her grandchild she gave in and let the baby be baptized and now there is peace in her family. Now if, on the other hand, you are of a different religion or anti religion and absolutely will not stand for your child to be baptized this is a different story. I'm just wondering if you would consider doing so so that you can stop worrying so much about your MIL's motives.
I agree with the PP who said that it sounds to me like you have a decent relationship with your in-laws, and that your problem really is this one issue. Any carseat is safe and your MIL loves your son and you trust her. If you can figure out where you stand on the baptism issue I think you could relax about all of this.
Can you explain the reason why the baptism is related to her having a car seat but not her being alone with him? I don't understand what one thing has to do with another. It sounds like your using her for daycare but are passive aggressively and immaturely trying to get back at her.
I just don't know if she'd just up and leave her house with him, if she had the nerve to go behind my back to do that then who knows what else she may do. It just worries me that's all. I don't use her at all because firstly she works and the few times I have asked her to watch him she's told me she couldn't and second she only sees him about once a week for 3-4 hours.
It sounds like you have trust issues with MIL. Does MIL want her own for her car just in case? I could see that as a non issue just in case she would need to take DS somewhere. Taking yours out of the car would be a total pita, and I wouldn't go for it either.
I know mothers and sons have their own relationship, but I'd be a bit peeved if there was something being purposely held from me regarding my child.
I would be livid if my MIL baptized my child, but then again, I'm atheist, so there's that...
If you two have a decent relationship, I would just talk to her about the discussion behind your back.
You said once a week you drop him off at her house. What difference does it make if she has her own carseat? What's stopping her from doing those things without one? Why would you leave a baby alone with someone you distrust and think would do something like that?
This. I don't understand why other people need to feel they have to push their religion on others. Frankly with the PP that said her friend caved and baptized her child just to keep peace in the family....that to me in crazy. My grandparents are really religious, as well as my mom. They were extremely disappointed that we did not have Gator baptized. I feel that should be a decision that Gator makes when the time comes. SO and I are not religious, but we are not anti religion....but if someone baptized her behind our backs...that would be the end of them. Not just ending the trust, but it would probably take years before I would want to be around them or want Gator around them. We won't even take her into a church during the holidays. It upsets my grandma but honestly I don't give a damn. I am not doing it out of spite, I am doing it because that is a decision SO and I made as her parents.
Are you talking about me? I did not cave, I compromised willingly. My dh is Catholic and I am Atheist. I allowed my ds to be baptized, but he will not be raised Catholic. My older ds is neither baptized or raised with religion because it was what his father and I agreed on. I don't feel it's necessary for you to criticize how I decide to raise my child spiritually.
No, Elsa said "the pp who caved " who I assume is me.
My older ds has gone to church when he has shown interest or there is an important family event. I think that it's important part of learning to respect everyone's beliefs
If we're invited to a family or friend event, we definitely show support. I had my mom's funeral at our family's church to show respect to my family. My SD went to church a time or two. I think we've done a pretty decent job at balancing our beliefs and exposing to others' beliefs.
Well, bfuck, you are right. I apologize, I am an azz. I blame the 3 glasses of wine. Religion is a hot button issue for me. Elsa, I am sorry.
Meant to quote Theisens
What kind of wine? I need to be schooled on wine. I like to drink it, about any of it, but I am totally a novice to the wine world.
My Aunt gave me some Sweet B!tch wine for my birthday, and it was delicious! I need more wine in my lyfe.
Apparently azzhole wine. Pinot Grigio tonight. Riesling is a good one to start out on. It's sweet, but not too sweet. Moscato is good, but the cheap stuff can be too sweet. Have you heard of Santa Maria winery? It's in Iowa and they have really good fruit wine. Scooby Ruby is one of my favorites, it's strawberry rhubarb wine.
Nah, you're not an azzhole. DH and I drink Riesling from time to time. I think maybe I also drink Savignon Blanc. I've heard of Santa Maria. Wineries are busting out all over Iowa. I actually went on a wine tour for a bachelorette party a few years ago. I had no idea, but there are 3 wineries within an hour of me. How sweet is that?! I used to drink a lot of booze before DD, but now I'm a total bore. I need to drink more again. DH definitely gets laid more.
::Butting in:
If you like Savignon Blanc, try Oyster Bay. It's my current favorite.
Ooh, which winery?
Chiming in a little late here.
If someone baptized my daughter behind my back I would not let them watch her weekly so the carseat thing wouldn't even be an issue. You need to address this. Talk with your H and then you both need to talk to your MIL. This is a big deal.
Also, how in the world did they baptize your child?
Also, where in Iowa is this winery? When DH and I can drink wine again this may be a fun getaway trip!
I said "the PP who's FRIEND caved" and had her kid baptized to keep the peace in the fam.
She is one. Something tells me going into a religious building won't be something she can make a decision on anytime soon. If she decides to go and wants to find out about different religions, we will be more than happy to support her. We have a lot of friends and family from all different religious background and she is also more than welcome to talk to them when the time comes.
We will go into a church for something like a wedding or memorial service. We even went into one for an auction for SO's cousins very sick daughter. We just won't go to services until Gator asks about them and would like to go to one.
Haha...it's okay. I don't think there is anything wrong with the parents choosing to baptize. That is their decision. I just think it is crazy if someone OTHER than the parents make the decision, of if parents don't want their child baptized but they cave just to shut up members of the family.
...if anyone baptized my kid behind my back, they'd better start running because once I catch up, it won't be pretty. Not telling me about it? Wow. DH knowing and doing nothing? I am thinking that would be a deal breaker. He could pack up his crap and go.
My kids can, just like I did, decide if they want to join a church and get baptized. I was 9 when I did. And 19 when I left the church. My decisions, both.
However, OP, I don't really get your post. It's one if those times where you have to make a decision and stick with it. If it was me, mil would not be alone again with my kids. Hell, she could count herself lucky to get to see them at all.
Yes. My friend J did this. Her mom begged and pleaded and made life miserable until she just finally gave up. She realized that the baptism conversation was the one and only negative interaction she was having with her family, and it just wasn't worth it to her in the end. To her baptism means less than nothing, but to her mom was everything so she let it go and finally was able to have positive interactions with her family. She's not religious, but she could see how it was tearing her mom apart so she did it for her.
I know this post evolved into something other than the OPs intent... but I am curious about a few things.
1. I know of no religion where a presiding official will baptize a child without the consent of at least ONE of the child's legal guardians. I didn't see an answer as to whether or not you believe this was "official" or not. If it was official, then someone is giving their consent and it's not you. If not official... who cares? It's just a blessing. I've been the recipient of "blessings" at weddings and other religious events where I was there to support the family. It's not something I believe in but doesn't mean I am changed because of it.
2. It sounds to me like you just have trust issues with MIL. You don't trust her to follow your rules, you don't trust her to be safe, you don't trust her - period. If that's true, the car seat issue is irrelevant and you need to work on rebuilding the trust. I think the fact that she even presented the idea to you should say something about her character though. She COULD have just gone and gotten one without talking to you first.
3. It must be VERY difficult to be a mother of a one year and pregnant with #2 while your husband is away. I'm sure it is playing with your emotions. Try to relax and not sweat the small stuff.
I feel kinda the same way as your friend, but no one guilted me into it. I knew it was important to dh's family and to me it's really just some hocus pocus done over the baby that caused him no harm that he won't remember. I mean no offense to people who are religious, that' s just my view of it as someone who is not religious. It's not the same to me as say, him going to Sunday school when he is preschool age. That is a no for me because I want him to be old enough to understand religion before deciding on one.