Need Dad advice — The Bump
Dads & Dads-to-be

Need Dad advice

I don't know if it's him stressing over our soon to be DD coming, but he is being a donkey's butt latley. With 8 weeks left I feel like he is putting everything off till the last minute, like baby cloths and gear. We are not having a shower since this is number 2 and I don't know anyone here other then the In-laws. He thinks that our parents are going to get everything once the baby is born. I still have somethings from DD1 like furniture, some cloths, etc.. He keeps repeating that his parents are going to do for him what his sisters got when they had their kids. I am not 100% thrilled with the idea that he is depending on our parents. I feel bad because I have to sneak cloths that I buy in.

Second issue last night, I was admitted into L&D because I failed my NST test, I had my 2 year old with me and the first thing the nurse says " I hope you have someone coming for her, because if you go into labor this isn't going to work" I call DH once I get in my room and tell him he starts getting moody about it since he just got home from work. I told him I don't know how long I will be there. He then says if this is going to keep happening then I need to send DD to my mom or her dad's. He has never been to a doctors appointment or any time that I have been in L&D. After he finally gets there they release me rest of the night I walk around on egg shells while being on bedrest. I feel like he doesn't care.

** Note DD1 is one of the opps outcome one time thing with X DH during Divorce. DD has never met her father nor was he even involved. ***

Anyone have any advice, on how to handle all this?

Re: Need Dad advice

  • First paragraph first... is your husband a procrastinator in general, or just specific to the baby?  If he's a procrastinator all the time, you really shouldn't be surprised by this behavior.  As far as relying on the in-laws, I'd probably tell him that whatever they do should be viewed as a bonus, but that ultimately, it is your responsibility as her parents to provide for the child.  It is one thing if they said exactly what they are going to get or do (and are known to stick to their word), but to blindly rely that they'll get EVERYTHING is just playing with fire.

    Secondly, you got admitted into labor and delivery and he's moody about it?  That is a major red flag, at least to me.  He should be concerned that you and the baby are OK, being that she's not full term yet.  The fact that he's avoided all doctor appointments and the L&D visits (which it sounds as if there were multiple so far?)... not the sign of a real engaged dad to be, or really all that great of a husband... unless you told him specifically not to go to the doctor appointments, or to stay home and watch your other daughter while you were in the hospital.

    I think your initial response may be accurate... he may not care.  You need to sit him down and have a honest talk with the guy.  How is he feeling about it?  Is he even excited that she's almost here?  What is his deal?

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  • Sorry, this guy does not sound like father material at all.  A husband has certain responsibilities that he should take seriously, especially when it comes to a pregnant wife and children. From what I am reading here, it sounds like he is failing in all areas right now.

    In all honesty, from what you have written here, you are correct, he is acting like he doesn't care at all.  At some point you will need to make a decision for you and your children based on his behavior and actions.

    image

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  • Oof.

    You're over-nesting, and he's not being very considerate.

    His first month of life, my son rarely wore clothes except for pictures. He just spent most of his time swaddled. I'm of the opinion people tend to WAY overdo it with newborn clothes. Don't you have anything left from DD1? IMHO a newborn needs maybe 5-7 outfits TOTAL. Also, I'm not sure why you are skeptical about his parents doing what he says they will do. So as far as the shopping goes, I'm (mostly) on your DH's side...

     BUT he was a huge jerk about the L&D thing. Would he have been moody if you were in labor and he had to go right after work? He does have a certain point about making plans for DD1 to go stay with her grandparents. But obviously you can't drop her off now for potentially an 8 week stay. He needs to be more flexible and understand it's not like you *chose* to go to the hospital.

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BhqjipgCIAAOz7H.jpg
    -My son was born in April 2012. He pretty much rules.
  • imageColtsdad:

    First paragraph first... is your husband a procrastinator in general, or just specific to the baby?  If he's a procrastinator all the time, you really shouldn't be surprised by this behavior.  As far as relying on the in-laws, I'd probably tell him that whatever they do should be viewed as a bonus, but that ultimately, it is your responsibility as her parents to provide for the child.  It is one thing if they said exactly what they are going to get or do (and are known to stick to their word), but to blindly rely that they'll get EVERYTHING is just playing with fire.

    Secondly, you got admitted into labor and delivery and he's moody about it?  That is a major red flag, at least to me.  He should be concerned that you and the baby are OK, being that she's not full term yet.  The fact that he's avoided all doctor appointments and the L&D visits (which it sounds as if there were multiple so far?)... not the sign of a real engaged dad to be, or really all that great of a husband... unless you told him specifically not to go to the doctor appointments, or to stay home and watch your other daughter while you were in the hospital.

    I think your initial response may be accurate... he may not care.  You need to sit him down and have a honest talk with the guy.  How is he feeling about it?  Is he even excited that she's almost here?  What is his deal?

    Thanks I agree with you, he is a bit of procrastinator. I am trying to ween him off his parents. We were both raised with the whole silver spoon thing, difference is I am to proud to ask my parents for anything. Him on the other hand is something I can't even explain. I don't even ask him to watch my daughter often, because he makes it feel like it's a burden. He was different in the begining since December 2011 it's been rocky but I stuck it out. He is good with my daughter. don't know if he stressed, I know he said a few times he is stressing over the feeling of not being able to provide for his family.

  • imagepolooo26:

    He sounds selfish. Doesn't want to spend any money on his kid. Doesn't want to spend any of his time on things that involve the kid. Gets grumpy when there's a chance he'll have to use his money or his time.

    Have you talked to him at all about what he's thinking or what his expectations are?

    What are the things he thinks the parents are going to get? Do you guys at least have a place for the baby to sleep? A carseat? Most of the stuff a baby needs is bought before the baby is born so not having anything yet is worrisome.

    Either you're leaving something out or he needs to grow up.

    I saved DD1's crib, changing table, Dr. Brown Bottles and toys. I got a bassenit recently from DD's old sitter. Probably the only thing I haven't gotten is carseat, stroller, swing, bouncer, high chair. I do have some cloths from my recent ventures out while he is not home. I am not the kind of person who likes to rely on others for everything so it bothers me a lot that he is doing that.

    I talk to his mother about and she agrees with me and she said she would intervene with him. He is completely against anything second hand even DD's crib, he thinks the baby will sick. His mom is with me on the ok to use hand me downs. When I told him that a pack of Onsies at BRU were 26.00 he was like so .

    I think he does need to man up.  

  • imageLuckyDad:

    Oof.

    You're over-nesting, and he's not being very considerate.

    His first month of life, my son rarely wore clothes except for pictures. He just spent most of his time swaddled. I'm of the opinion people tend to WAY overdo it with newborn clothes. Don't you have anything left from DD1? IMHO a newborn needs maybe 5-7 outfits TOTAL. Also, I'm not sure why you are skeptical about his parents doing what he says they will do. So as far as the shopping goes, I'm (mostly) on your DH's side...

     BUT he was a huge jerk about the L&D thing. Would he have been moody if you were in labor and he had to go right after work? He does have a certain point about making plans for DD1 to go stay with her grandparents. But obviously you can't drop her off now for potentially an 8 week stay. He needs to be more flexible and understand it's not like you *chose* to go to the hospital.

    After DD is and the problems I had during her pregnancy, I thought I wasn't going to have anymore. DD2 was a 1 in a million chance, since I just got over cancer and the doctor said it would be near impossible. I had gotten rid of most of the cloths from NB- 12 months, as well as some of the gear. I got a few things recently, but I have to watch when I do buy. DH controls all the money including the money I bring in while on leave. I am the one who give the say so on what he can buy and pay the bills, but he watches the account.

  • imageANA6:

    I saved DD1's crib, changing table, Dr. Brown Bottles and toys. I got a bassenit recently from DD's old sitter. Probably the only thing I haven't gotten is carseat, stroller, swing, bouncer, high chair. I do have some cloths from my recent ventures out while he is not home. I am not the kind of person who likes to rely on others for everything so it bothers me a lot that he is doing that.

    I talk to his mother about and she agrees with me and she said she would intervene with him. He is completely against anything second hand even DD's crib, he thinks the baby will sick. His mom is with me on the ok to use hand me downs. When I told him that a pack of Onsies at BRU were 26.00 he was like so .

    I think he does need to man up.  

    He needs to buy and install the car seat NOW. You can't leave the hopsital without one, and it sounds like the baby could arrive any day. And a car seat is not exactly a luxury item.

    It's also nice to have the stroller squared away ahead of time because it's a major purchase and you can often save money buying online.

    Swing, bouncer and high chair can all be pushed back. None are really useful until the kid can support their own head. So I would let those go.

    But yeah, he's being really really dumb about the car seat.

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BhqjipgCIAAOz7H.jpg
    -My son was born in April 2012. He pretty much rules.
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