Thinking of adopting 2-4 year old

anneannabell

Hi,

Let me first introduce myself.  I am Anne and I am 36 years old.  We have a four year old biological son and we had to do IVF to finally have him.  He is a blessing in our lives but we have been trying for a few years now to add another member of our family.  I would love to adopt a 2-4 year old but dont know the first thing of adoption.. For some reason I feel like i am called to do this but any help/advice would be so very helpful. 

We would love to not only give a child love but also have them be close in age to our son so they can grow up together.  I have heard that most agencies dont like to adopt to parents with a child so close in age though....is this true?

 

Thank you so much,

Anne

CaptainSerious

Hello, and welcome!

Some agencies don't like to place children in which they would "artificially twin" with another child.  I know that some people have preferred language other than "artificially twin," but that is the term most often used in the adoption world, and I used it so you'll recognize it if you hear/see it somewhere else.  Their are several concerns with interrupting birth order, but personally, I have not seen a strong argument for why adding a child close in age to another already in the home is a large concern.  My agency required a one year wait before they would place a child into a family in which another member was just added or lost/left, but that had more to do with letting the family adjust to the new normal before compounding the changes in the family life.  Since your son has been with you since birth, the children being close in age would have no bearing on that type of concern.

Are you looking to adopt from foster care or internationally? 

Dr.Loretta

Hi Anne, and welcome. i'm in MA too  

There's an FAQ at the top of the board for you to check out. It has some good resources to get you started.

If you're looking to adopt a child between age 2 and 4, you're likely looking at international adoption or foster-to-adopt. Again, the FAQs will give you some places to start looking for information. You can decide as a family what path you want to take, then start researching your options from there.

The information you heard is somewhat incorrect. There are issues associated with adopting out of birth order. For example, if you were looking to adopt a 6yo, you may encounter some problems. But having a child younger than your LO shouldn't be a problem.

GL and post often.

anneannabell

Thank you so much.  We are thinking of foster to adopt,  Not sure if we use an agency or just go within state.  So many questions. 

I would perfer younger child anyways.  Our son will be 5 in June and if we adopt a 2-3 year old would be ideal.  I hate to say this but we just dont have the time for a special needs just because we want to have the time and energy for both kids...

 Thank you.  I will look at that tab...that may help me out a lot.

 

lizlemon2

Hi there,

 We were just placed with our 2 and 4 yo sons, and will be adopting them.  I think adopting toddlers/preschoolers is a lot of fun, hard work, and a blessing.  I think by the time you get started in the process, get approved your son will probably be 5 or older so no big deal.

Like PP said, you are looking at Foster care adoption or international.  They both have their joys and hardships, with both the process and the after coming home part.  They will be leaving a home they know, maybe a language they know, and will be a big adjustment.  I think having a sibling can be a good thing.  You will have been through that developmental stage, have parenting skills, and your new child will have a playmate and role model.

 Some of the benefits of adopting that age range are: they are resilient and can adapt to a nurturing consistent caregiver, you can do fun social activities with them and little day trips, they may have language skills to express their needs, may be potty trained or getting there, and you may know more about possible health or developmental issues as opposed to adopting an infant.

If you adopt through the state foster care system, you may be eligible for WIC, supportive services, health insurance, and a monthly stipend which can help ease the financial burden.

 

Best of luck in your decision and the process!

CaptainSerious

The thing you have to keep in mind is that "older children" (i.e., not infants) are available because they have suffered some kind of trauma in their lives.  This means that, at least throughout their transition period, they will have special needs--not in the typical sense, but they will demand more time and should be parented in a certain way to facilitate their attachment to your family.

 

Children who are adopted at an older age might have difficulties attaching to new families, and might be dealing with a variety of other mental and physical health issues.  Often, they have stored up a lot of anger that will have to find an outlet, and without the right kind of intervention, they may develop unhealthy relationships. Many have learned how to survive by whatever means necessary, and that can result in a difficult homelife because they might not understand what is and is not appropriate in family life and society in general.  All this is on a spectrum, and the child can fall anywhere on it.  The transition is not an easy road, but it is highly rewarding.

 

If you are seriously considering this, I highly recommend you read a few books on attachment and older child adoption.  The books often describe extreme situations, but they also provide invaluable advice on how to deal with the behaviors commonly found in children who are adopted at an older age.  Three great books are:

 

Parenting the Hurt Child: Helping Adoptive Families Heal and Grow;

 

Wounded Children, Healing Homes: How Traumatized Children Impact Adoptive and Foster Families; and

 

Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today's Parents.

 

For more information about Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), I recommend When Love Is Not Enough: A Guide to Parenting Children with RAD.  It sounds like you will want to avoid adopting a child with RAD.

 

Another good book, geared specifically to parents adopting younger children is Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft.

 

If you have any specific questions, I'll be happy to answer them.  A quick search on my posts for the last 2.5 years will give you an idea of what our transition was like.  I've tried to be really open here and share both the good and the bad.  It might make me seem a bit manic, but I think we often only hear about he good, and it leaves a lot of perspective parents either going into situations without enough of a feel for what it could be like, or running away because of the really difficult, "worse case" situations described in the books.

 

There's also a yahoo group called "adopt older kids" (https://groups.yahoo.com/group/A_O_K/) that can give you an idea of what some of these families experience. Usually, though, people only post when they are seeking support, so you typically only see the worst situations described there.

 

Finally, if you decide that you do want to adopt an older child, I strongly advise that you should have the medical files of any child you are considering adopting reviewed by a doctor who specializes in adoption.  Such a doctor should be able to help you not only evaluate the child's health, but also identify other risk factors, such as the child's likelihood of attachment issues/RAD, fetal alcohol syndrome (FAS), and other risks depending on the child's background.  These evaluations are not fool-proof, but will give you the best idea of the child's prognosis based on the available information.  The doctor would also be able to help you determine if the child has any developmental or other delays, how severe they are, and what level of treatment the child might need. 

anneannabell

Thank you ladies...this information is so valuable for me.

I greatly appreciate you taking the time.

CaptainSerious

Anytime!  If you have any specific questions, please feel free to ask.  I'm pretty open about sharing our experience.

And don't let the books scare you.  It's hard to explain, but while pretty much all older adopted kids will have some challenges adapting, they don't all have extreme behaviors.  The books use examples of the behaviors to explain why they happen and how best to respond, and when you see them all in one place, it can be really overwhelming.  It wasn't easy in any way, but our situation wasn't nearly as difficult as the cases described in the books.  The truth for us was someplace in the middle.

srmmm09

I'd particularly recommend Toddler Adoption: the Weaver's Craft bc it has a couple of chapters at the beginning that highlight what are some common adopted toddler behaviors to be aware of as you adopt. It also has a handy-dandy chapter that helps you decide if you're a good fit for adopting a toddler specifically.

I've heard that children closer in age can have more volatile reactions to their new siblings (really like or really don't like), but that isn't stopping us! 

Also, I don't know if this is what you were saying, but there are children aged 2-4 available to adopt internationally who don't have special needs other than the ones you'd find in a toddler who's a guardian of the State.