WWYD

selockar

Here is the situation....

 DH is not close with his family. Most of his family did not attend our wedding nor have they acknowledged our two boys. The only family member that tries is his oldest sister. She has not met the boys and could not go to the wedding, but she does send cards are tries to connect via facebook. It's not great IMO, but she is the best of his family.

 Anyway, her son is getting married. The wedding is 22 hours away. Driving is out and flying is going to be expensive.  DH wants to go but he also knows it's going to be hard. He thinks it would be a chance for his family to meet our kids. I'm torn.

I want to go, because I feel like he wants to show off the kids to his family. I have always felt bad that they don't show much interest. My family visits all the time. They drive or fly in several times a year. I love seeing how excited my 3 year old gets seeing my parents and brother. I would love for DH to have that too. I just don't think that is likely to happen.

I don't want to go because, we will have to use the money we have been saving to go on vacation with just me, him, and some good friends. No kids! I have been looking forward to this so much. Plus, he would have to use his vacation days, so he would not be able to go on our family vacation. This means I would go with my family and the kids for 2 weeks. Leaving the kids home is not an option. We don't have anyone to watch them. My mom is already flying up at the end of that month to help out. The kids would have to come.  They haven't met any of his family, so that might be hard. They also can't be left alone with several members of his family. We don't trust them to watch the kids/ some have some mental issues they have not addressed. Basically, I will be spending a lot of time not making it obvious some people can't be around the children (this includes his mom). For that reason I would not be at the reception very long. The kids will get cranky and need to go to bed. I thought about having him go alone, but they are getting married on our 5 year wedding anniversary. He won't go with out me and I don't want to be with out him on our anniversary. Plus, he still would be using his vacation. That means no family vacation.

If you made it this far congrats!!! Am I being selfish not wanting to go? Would you go? Any advice is welcome. 

littleredfish

I totally understand why you would not want to go. It's hard to think about putting effort forward when other don't. It's hurtful. That said everything you said as downsides, are not just downsides to you they are also downsides for your husband. Therefore, if it was me, I would do whatever HE decided to do. It's his family and if he is yearning to reach out to them I would do anything to make that happen for him. Having to skip a vacation for just the 2 of you SUCKS and I would be so disappointed, but I'd sit down with MH and if he said I really want to do this, I'd put on a happy face and say "ok, we'll go!" and do it for him.

Worst case senario is they don't embrace you at the wedding, nothing changes and you wasted your vacation money; but at least the 2 of you can say you made the effort to extend the olive branch and were the bigger people.

So basically the short form of my answer; not wanting to go isn't selfish, I would feel the same but I'd let MH decide what to do since it's his family and if he says he wants to, I'd do it for him, regarless.

JAP09-02

You're not selfish. It is hard to give up time, money, and emotions when there hasn't been any acknowledgement or outreach on his family's part. Not to mention, the safety concerns for your children.

Does he have realistic expectations of what will transpire during this visit? Or is he setting himself up for disappointment?

I think you guys need to have a deep discussion about whether he'll regret missing this event. I'm sure his free moments are few and far between, as is time with you and the boys. Openly ask him if he feels like this is the best use of his free time. I bet he'll come up with answer you're looking for, at least I hope so.

But on the other hand, it is hard to mend fences without someone else stepping up and being the bigger person. However, the way you describe things, I'm not sure this is even possible?

Sorry, I'm no help. But I can see why you're upset. Good luck!

chloebeth930

I'm not sure if you should bring all that family tension to a wedding. Think about if you were the bride... would you want this potential family drama and discomfort on your big day?  Send them a gift and and a nice written card and be done with it.  Try to mend the relationship with his family in a more private setting.

bellelamb

chloebeth930:

I'm not sure if you should bring all that family tension to a wedding. Think about if you were the bride... would you want this potential family drama and discomfort on your big day?nbsp; Send them a gift and and a nice written card and be done with it.nbsp; Try to mend the relationship with his family in a more private setting.

I tend to agree with this weddings are hard for kids under the best circumstances, I'd think that this may not be the best time or place for what you dh wants to do.

lyndsey774

bellelamb:

chloebeth930:

I'm not sure if you should bring all that family tension to a wedding. Think about if you were the bride... would you want this potential family drama and discomfort on your big day?nbsp; Send them a gift and and a nice written card and be done with it.nbsp; Try to mend the relationship with his family in a more private setting.

I tend to agree with this weddings are hard for kids under the best circumstances, I'd think that this may not be the best time or place for what you dh wants to do.

 I agree.

selockar

bellelamb:

chloebeth930:

I'm not sure if you should bring all that family tension to a wedding. Think about if you were the bride... would you want this potential family drama and discomfort on your big day?nbsp; Send them a gift and and a nice written card and be done with it.nbsp; Try to mend the relationship with his family in a more private setting.

I tend to agree with this weddings are hard for kids under the best circumstances, I'd think that this may not be the best time or place for what you dh wants to do.

 

I completely agree. Unfortunately,  3 of 5 siblings don't get along with their mother and all but one don't get along with a different sister. Both that sister (not the mom of the groom) and his mother will be there. There will be tension even if we don't go.  Most of the family I simply don't know. They have never tried to get to know me. It's very strange. They don't really care about one another. Which really bothers DH since he sees how close we are to my family. One sister and his mother we can't trust at all, but everyone feels that way. The rest I just don't know. DH says they are fine. I know he is hoping this happy occasion would give him a chance to reconnect with the siblings he likes. I however thinks it too much to expect.

hopefulmom81

I absolutely would NOT go for the same reason you said...that money can be better spent on a relaxing vacation for your family.

Sorry you are dealing with this  

selockar

Thanks ladies. I think I'm going to express my concerns and then leave it up to DH. If he really thinks going will help his relationship with his family I don't want to stand in the way. He will only end up resenting me. I really hope he decides on his own that it's a bad idea.