Normal to still be upset after 8 months

bloverde

I posted my birth story shortly after little man was born. It's too far back in the list for me to link. Long story short, after 33 hours of back labor, stalled at 8 for 8 hours, I had AROM, then pit, and an epi because of the pit. With a 2 hour nap on the epi, we let it wear off to push. I was very disappointed it didn't go the way I hoped.

The problem is that I'm still upset. Not all the time. But when I think of his birth, I get sad. Little man has also been a high needs baby, and I don't know if I want any more kids because I'm afraid for my mental health if I get another like him. I probably have a touch of PPD, although have never been diagnosed or treated. I think I'm sad that this less than happy one might be my *only* birth story. DH thinks I suffer from "First B Syndrome" as he calls it. Basically, that I'm so used to doing well at everything, that I get upset when something is still good, but not what you're used to. Like the first B you ever got in school.

Does this fade with time? I feel silly being upset to have a beautiful, healthy, although trying LO. I haven't told anyone of this sadness except DH, who thinks I'm being dramatic. Has anyone else felt like this after this amount of time? 

Celyn

Hugs to you.  I think what you're feeling is fairly common.  It's a big reason why many second time moms hire doulas the second time around. I talk with lots of moms who have high hopes that their second birth will allow them the birth they wanted to first time.  

There are lots of "letting go" exercises on the internet, if you might be into that kind of thing. I really like Deepak Chopra's 7 steps to release.  It might help to talk with your PCP, in case the PPD is preventing you from letting it go, to see what they recommend.

nosoup4u

How old is your baby? I was upset about my first birth for a long time, too.
It took me a good year to get over it.

I think it's really normal to be upset if your birth doesn't go as expected. But if you're really bothered that much by it and think you might have PPD, it's probably a good idea to talk to a counselor about it, in all honesty.

pixieprincss

It sounds like while you are rejoicing in the life of your little one, you are mourning the loss of the birth experience you hoped for. There is nothing wrong with that at all! For some women, feeling moments regret for a long time after is sad, but in the healthy realm of things. For others, it is more haunting and serious.

For me, I had a difficult birth with DS1 and though I had zero signs of PPD, something just wasn't right but my OB blew off what I was feeling. Luckily, I kept pushing myself to process things. I learned that I likely had post-partum traumatic stress disorder (PPTSD). I ended up joining a six-month birth trauma support group that helped me work through my feelings and lay them to rest. Not in the sense that I don't have regret or anger, but in the sense that I no longer wake up in the middle of the night having panic attacks. I went on to have an amazing, restorative birth natural birth with DS2 under a CPM who was an amazing emotional coach during that pregnancy.