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Adoption
How open is open?
Do your BM's know your last name? If so, do you have visitations? Any negative effect of this? Thanks so much!!
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Re: How open is open?
No
Even though she doesn't we still have visitations
We've had no negative effects
Care to elaborate? I'd be happy to discuss open adoption. Where are you in the triad (birthmom, adoptive mom, adoptee)?
adoptive mom.
just want to make sure we do everything right. HOw are the visitations? Waht is that like too?
do you think its bad if she knows our last name?
I understand your concern, but the term "open adoption" can mean SO many things. It's what you guys are comfortable with, and it can change over time.
In the strictest sense, open adoption merely means a sharing of information. That could mean anything from the birthfamily sharing information and then not being any more involved than that, it could mean an exchange of letters and pictures (often through an agency or other third party), it could mean meetings on a regular basis at a neutral location, or it could mean knowing a lot more about each other and meeting in each other's homes, etc.
When we were going through the adoption process, we were asked how open we were to contact and visits. DH and I discussed it, and decided we were open to 2 visits a year. That was one of the (many) criteria our agency used in figuring out how to match families, as they wanted them to be on the same page in that respect. Our agency also required, at a minimum, for adoptive parents to provide letters and pictures on a particular schedule.
DD is almost 3 and we have continued meeting 2x/year with her birthmom and sometimes other members of her family. We meet once at an agency-sponsored event, and once at a location we choose a month or so before we try and get together. I set up a blog for DD's birthfamily and we also communicate that way.
Our first visit was awkward, I won't lie. We didn't meet DD's BM until she had given birth, and at our first meeting DD was fussy and hadn't slept much the night before. I joke it was like an arranged marriage. Each successive meeting has been better and better. We all really enjoy spending time together.
Is it "bad" if she knows your last name? Honestly it depends on the relationship you have. DH still isn't comfortable with sharing too much personal information with DD's birthfamily, but he has suggested we set up an e-mail account so we can ask her questions (or she can ask us some) without it being as public as a blog. And as DD gets older she can communicate with her birthfamily that way. There are people here who share last names, meet at each other's homes, etc. It really depends on everyone's comfort level.
HTH
We are waiting for a match. And right now, we're open to everything (visits, pictures, etc.) except sharing personal information. Largely, because that doesn't feel "Right" to us at the outset. I imagine that after years of knowing the birth family, sharing that information might make more sense. But I couldn't envision that happening until after finalization.
We have a semi-open adoption. BM does not know our last name or contact information. I have her info, only because the hospital she delivered at was obviously not schooled in HIPAA. Paperwork we received from the hospital include her last name and her address.
Our relationship includes one visit a year and pictures and a letter at least once a year (I had been sending them a few times a year). We met last year and just this week, BM contacted our agency for this years visit, which we will be doing in a few weeks.
Our first visit was very awkward, BM and her mom were both crying before they even camein the room, which of course made me cry. After a while DD warmed up to BM and they ended up playing around. I'm pretty anxious to see how this years visit goes as DD is si different. We meet at iur agency and have staff with us.
TTC since June 2009
01/10- Femara
03/10- Femara
07/2010- Clomid with injectables and IUI #1
08/2010- IUI #2
06/2011- IVF #1 BFP!
09/2011- Miscarriage at 10 1/2 weeks
11/2011- FET
01/2012- Start Home Study process
03/2012- Home Study approved and now waiting on our child to find us!
07/2012- matched with a BM who is due in October!
11/10/12- our son is born!
11/13/12- court grants us custody!
12/28/12- finalization! Always ours in our hearts, but.now also ours forever
http://keepingupwiththejoneses-dana.blogspot.com/
We have a very open adoption.
Yes, our daughter's birthmom knows our last name. She also knows where we live, and we know where she lives. We have each other's email addresses and we are friends on Facebook, too.
We have had many visits. Before DD's birth we all agreed to 2 visits a year at her birthmother's request. We had about 4 the first year, 4 or 5 the second year, and this past year we probably had closer to 6 or 7? I would say half of the visits are at her (and her family's) request and half are at ours.
Our most recent visit was today. It was with DD's birth grandparents and one of her birth uncles. They are moving next week, so we went to visit them.
The amount of visits will be a lot less over this next year for us. DD's birthmom is going to college out of state. She probably won't move back here afterwards. And like I said her family is moving as well (also out of state.) We wish they weren't because we'll really miss them but we're happy for them and the opportunities they have (school and jobs.)
Our first few visits were a little awkward but they have gotten a lot easier and more comfortable. We love spending time with them. It's been great for them to see how much our DD has grown and how much we love her, and we love that they want us in their lives as well. I think as DD grows up it will mean more and more.
We haven't had any negative effects at all. We're grateful for open adoption!
She's Forever Ours! Finaliaztion-12.26.12
Everyone's definition of open is different.
Ours is very open - and and I hate to think that DD APs would've been afraid of the openness. I understand needing to guard your hearts and home - but I love that they consider me family instead of someone that could potentially take advantage of any information I know.
I know their last name, address, phone numbers, her school name and we've got a private "group" on Facebook in order to post pictures, stories, etc. on. And they, of course, know all of that for me. I will note, however, that I made the decision not to let the birthfather (who I have no real relationship with) know any of this - he knows DD's name and that's it (thought he also doesn't care to know more).
We rarely visit - but that's because we live very many states apart. I've visited them 3 times in the last 5 years and they came to us once (DD was the flower girl in my wedding). I'm actually not sure that I'd visit much more even if they were closer.
APs post on FB and email the most of any commuication. The first year - I got emails pretty much every month if not more. And as the years have gone by, it's become more and more sporadic. Now that she's 5, I get an email maybe twice a year, plus FB posts every month or so. This is fine - the time certainly makes things different.
DS 3/2016
EDD 4/29/19
We are waiting to be matched so I do not have experience in this department quite yet but we are planning to have a semi-open to open adoption. By nature, I am an "open book" and I already anticipate having a hard time not just naturally sharing information when we meet with a potential birth mother. I usually defer to my husband in those situations so I do not over share or over trust.
So, I ask because I am still learning so much about this process...what are the reasons why you wouldn't share your last name or other kinds of general but personal information? Do potential birth mothers usually want to know that information? As adoptive parents, I know we don't need to share that information but it seems so hard for the birth mother moving on in life not even knowing what her child's last name will be, where they will grow up, and what their adoptive parents do for a living. Wouldn't that be important information in order for her to make and be comfortable with placing her child for adoption?
Understood and agreed.
DS 3/2016
EDD 4/29/19