How can I help a friend..

bornmommy

My very good friend who has been trying for two years to conceive just found out at her NT scan that her miracle baby is likely to have a chromosomal abnormality.  They are awaiting the CVS results.  She is beyond depressed.  Do you ladies have any suggestions of things I can do or say or ANYTHING to help her?  I hope this is not an insensitive post.  I'm very concerned about her.  I will delete if its found to be that way.

goldenleaves

Do you know which chromosomal abnormality?

My daughter has Down syndrome. My favorite thing that made me feel better was when people just said, "Congratulations! We can't wait to meet her!"

It might seem simple but I needed to know that it was still okay to be excited.

bornmommy

They don't know yet.  The preliminary results of the CVS come back Friday.   She is not at the place yet where a congratulations would be appropriate.  She is beyond depressed.  Without giving away too much information, she is surrounded by children non-stop and has a background in special education.

Did you know about your daughter having Down syndrome before she was born?  Was there a moment when you remember coming to terms with it?  Was there someone who helped you get there?  

This is all so rushed right now.  She was on the high of just being pregnant and then delivered this life changing news. 

MirandaHobbes

Sometimes just a simple "I'm sorry" and being there to listen without offering tons of advice can be so calming. When I first found of my son's ASD diagnosis (at 19 months) I was sickened by the amount of people who would say "Oh don't worry, lots of kids have that" or "I know exactly how you feel" or best yet "My daughter has ADD, that's like the same thing."  It's like people get uncomfortable with bad news so they want to downplay it for you. I had one coworker who just looked at me and said "I'm sorry to hear that." and then listened as I explained what had happened in the eval. It sounds like you're being a great friend, and are there for her.

amajane

She has some tough decisions to make if the CVS confirms a chromosomal abnormality. And one of those decisions might be to terminate the pregnancy.

I wouldn't offer congratulations. You don't want to sway her in her decision. Or make her feel even worse if she decides to terminate. The best you can do is offer support and be a sounding board when she is struggling with what to do.

If you don't think you can remain neutral then it would best just to tell her you love her.  

bornmommy

Thank you for your responses.  I am able to stay neutral.  I understand that it is not my decision and I can pray for her and her DH either way.  I guess this is a time thing.  It's all waiting and seeing. 

 On a personal note, I am a special education teacher and truly admire you parents for your advocacy for your children.  After looking at some of these posts, this seems like an amazing group of women.  Teachers really do appreciate you.  Thank you.

goldenleaves

We found out at 18 weeks. For us there was no question that we were looking at Down syndrome, even before amnio results, so congratulations were definitely in order for us.

Maybe just letting her know that you care about her and love her no matter what? A gift certificate for a pedicure? A massage? Just something to let her know you're thinking of her!

goldenleaves

Also, the only things that helped me was time and support. I needed time to be okay with everything and I needed to know that we had family and friends behind us.

The time when Lauren was in the hospital for her open heart surgery is a whole different thing. For most of that I was drowning and couldn't make myself ask for help.