For Those Who Have Adopted But Also Have A Bio Child

beautiflaw

So I hope this okay for me to post in here... I know next to nothing about adoption but it is something I have always wanted to do. Even when I was very young and not married. I was pretty sure I'd never have a child of my own but I got very lucky. I still want to adopt, but DH is now iffy about it (before I got pregnant he was for it 100%) and I don't know what to think now. Basically he is afraid of how much it will cost financially and the emotions involved. He is afraid to get attached and then have things fall through. He wants to wait until DD is at least in middle school. I don't know if I can wait that long. I feel like my family is not complete yet and won't be complete without an adopted child.

DD is still really young and I know we aren't ready financially yet, and I do want to wait until DD is older so she won't be jealous of a new baby. But how early is too early to begin planning? I know the adoption process can take years sometimes and I want to get started learning about it so I can be prepared when we can afford it and I think my family is more ready.

Can anybody tell me what their experiences have been or anything I need to know to get started in research?

12bailey18

I don't have a lot of experience yet since as we are in the early stages of preparing for international adoption but we do have two bio kids already. I came to the decision that I wanted to adopt much earlier than DH. I wanted to be sure, however, that it was NOT me persuading DH to do this. It was too big of a decision and I wanted him to be on board 100% without me begging. LOL. I told him to think about it, pray about it, and we would talk about it some more. I left it alone for awhile for him to do his own reflection. Wouldn't you know, he's actually now really excited about it. I would say your best bet now is to research and look at your finances, and get a plan. Attend informational meetings just to get more information, not necessarily to commit. Check out agency websites for free webinars. The more information you get, the more you will learn, and find out about it. As far as age goes, we prefer our children close in age. We knew we didn't want to wait too long since we prefer a shorter age gap. Also, I think it's pretty normal to be 'iffy.' It's a BIG step. That's why I think the more information you get and the more meetings you attend, and network and reach out to people, the better. I was willing to accept it if DH came to the decision that we shouldn't do it because I think both have to be on board. But I think you can only come to the decision either way with lots of research and digging in deep to find out all about it. Good luck!

silliestbunny

Welcome!  

I think a good place to start is figuring out what attracts you to adoption... for many fertile couples, the idea of adoption means "saving" a child that would otherwise be an orphan.  If that's the case, you would want to explore international adoption or fost/adopt of harder to place children or sibling groups.  

As for your husband, adoption is not for the feint of heart. It's a difficult and often expensive journey.  To think it anything else is setting yourself up for a difficult journey.  That said, understanding what the risks really are vs what media portrays may be helpful to DH.  Also if DA is a possibility, understanding that birth parents are not birth parents until they place their child is a biggee for domestic adoption.  They have rights, as they should, to change their mind. It's their child.... and they need to do what's right for them.  This is a difficult point to come to terms with but it really does capture the essence of domestic adoption. 

shortstuff15

We are in a similar situation at 12bailey18.  We talked about adoption long before we got married and started having kids and we actually weren't planning on adopting until we were done having biologial kids.  But God laid it on our hearts much earlier and so now we are in the beginning stages of international adoption.  We've done a lot of research and reading over the past year and are going to a required seminar in February to start things off.  We have friends who are currently looking to adopt (they have 2 kids as well) from the same country we are thinking and they are years ahead of us in the process.  They were actually matched last year but because she was pregnant they couldn't accept the match so now they are re-doing paperwork to get going again.  So we know that it may take years yet but we felt led to start this now so here we go.

HouseofLovelock

We had two bio, adopted, had one more bio, and now are waiting to adopt again.  I think adoption can work wonderfully with any family, regardless of fertility/infertility - However, the most important thing is that you and your husband agree on it 100%. I don't believe it's good for a family or marriage if you aren't both on the same page about adoption because it does open up a whole different set of parenting do's and dont's that you need to have unity on.  Like everyone else said, it's never too early to start thinking and preparing for it - at very least you would know it isn't for you, or maybe you'll learn it is definitely for you?  xxoo