Can you help me understand my boyfriend? — The Bump
Dads & Dads-to-be

Can you help me understand my boyfriend?

Hey guys. i was wondering if you could help me understand what my boyfriend is going through and give me some advice?

We're both 22 and have been together 8 months. The night he told me he loved me he also told me he knew he did because he would have children with me. When we started becoming more sexually active we discussed the dangers of unprotected sex while my body was adjusting to the birth control pill- the answer was the same "what happens happens and we'll figure it out cuz i love you and would have kids with you." After four months i got pregnant while on the pill and he was excited. Whenever we met doubt coming from family or peers he was always confident that we could do this as a family.

We live together now and i am 22 weeks pregnant. He has become more and more disinterested in the pregnancy- never bringing it up, hardly interacting with my growing bump- and more and more distant. Recently he told me he has been thinking about adoption (something i stopped thinking about after we decided we were going to do this) and when i brought up the baby on his birthday he got angry and told me i 'should know better' than to want to talk about it. He says he won't leave me no matter what but he doesn't think we're ready to parent, he knows he's not ready to be a father, and he's worried a child won't fit into his music producer's lifestyle and he doubt we can give the baby 'the best life'.

I'm scared. i'm clingy and depressed,my feelings are hurt, i'm hostile and it's really ruining our relationship. i don't know what to do. i know it's "normal" for some men to freak out but i'm not sure if this is a phase or if he's going to leave. i don't want to force him to be a father. i don't want to choose between the love of my life and the child he gave me.

what should i do?

BabyFruit Ticker

Re: Can you help me understand my boyfriend?

  • and i'm really sorry if this is an inappropriate place for this.
    BabyFruit Ticker
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  • A freak out is normal, however, I cannot definitively say that this is what he's going through.  Freaking out is one thing, pulling back in the relationship is another, and bringing up adoption at 22 weeks or so and getting angry when bringing up the baby simply because it is his birthday.... something completely different.

    It sounds like he is being selfish, which 22 year olds are prone to be (not all, but I remember those days and it was all about the here and now for most of us).  It sounds like he wants to "live the life" and be the music producer now more than he wants to be a dad.  

    You need to sit him down, if he starts getting angry, you tell him if he loves you, he'll sit his butt down and talk.  Ask him why he feels the way he does... maybe it is something else altogether that he's not telling you.  He needs to put on his big boy pants, grow up and be a man... he accepted the possible consequences when he knowingly agreed to have sex with you unprotected while your body adjusted to the pill.  Though now it appears that he was just trying to have sex, and the concept of a baby was something that "happens to other people".

    As far as having to choose... if you have the conversation and it goes along the lines of how it sounds like it will go, he made the choice for you.  You said you ruled out adoption, so you will have a life to be responsible for, staying with him just to stay with him isn't healthy.  Hate to say this but, you are 22, chances are while you think he's the love of your life, he's probably just the love of your life so far.  Maybe you are one of the lucky ones who find the person who you are supposed to be with early, but it is rare because neither of you are fully done growing into the adult you are going to be at just 22.

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  • imageColtsdad:

    A freak out is normal, however, I cannot definitively say that this is what he's going through.  Freaking out is one thing, pulling back in the relationship is another, and bringing up adoption at 22 weeks or so and getting angry when bringing up the baby simply because it is his birthday.... something completely different.

    ...

    thanks for talking to me.

    he expressed having a lot of guilt of doing this to his parents and taking away his parents' only son... and i understand that but they're over it and he should be too. i try to be supportive and let him know that his life won't be THAT drastically different. he'll still be himself and he'll still have his career he'll just be a dad too. whenever i tell him i feel like i have to choose he says the only one making ultimatums is me.

    when we found out about the baby he got another job and really amped up his career so we could afford a home together and he's still doing those things and he comes to the dr. with me and everything like that. is that a good sign he'll eventually come around or does it just show his obligation to me and not necessarily the baby?

     

    BabyFruit Ticker
  • Guilt of doing what to his parents?  Growing up and making them grandparents a little earlier than first imagined?

    His life will be different, like you said, he'll still have his career, but being a dad means a change in responsibilities.  Instead of hanging with the bands he's producing, drinking in bars until closing (if he does this at all now, I don't know what producers do after the day is done), he'll have to come home and be a dad.

    Obviously, I don't know him personally so I can't give you a 100% answer, but the fact that he's going to doctor's appointments shows that he's at least being responsible.  It could mean that buried beneath his stress and worry, that he does legitimately care for his child too... I would imagine he does to some extent (not going to venture a guess to what extent), even if he's looking at adoption.

  • imageColtsdad:

    Guilt of doing what to his parents?  Growing up and making them grandparents a little earlier than first imagined?

    His life will be different, like you said, he'll still have his career, but being a dad means a change in responsibilities.  Instead of hanging with the bands he's producing, drinking in bars until closing (if he does this at all now, I don't know what producers do after the day is done), he'll have to come home and be a dad.

    Obviously, I don't know him personally so I can't give you a 100% answer, but the fact that he's going to doctor's appointments shows that he's at least being responsible.  It could mean that buried beneath his stress and worry, that he does legitimately care for his child too... I would imagine he does to some extent (not going to venture a guess to what extent), even if he's looking at adoption.

    the weirdest thing to me is he never parties, never goes out late. he makes his own music (electronic dance music) and performs at clubs and events and has always been very professional, sober, and comes home right after. i usually go with him so i know all of this for a fact. the problem would be when he travels but i have a support system so it won't be too hard.  he'd be a brilliant father.

    i know he loves his child. he's told me that. but i think he's too worried about what we might not be able to give the kid and not looking at all the posititves he has to offer. 

     

    thank you so much for talking me through this (there really is hardly as nice of a group of women on here). i really feel a lot better. 

    BabyFruit Ticker
  • I always find myself frustrated when I read these kinds of posts.  I remember when I was 22 and I remember exactly where my priorities were at that age, as a male. I was far from innocent, and while I worked my ass off, I also liked to play hard as well.  22 still seems so young to me.,,,

    Not being married always puts up huge red flags for me. But I get it, things certainly happen, I am not blind to the sexual nature of young adults. But without protection this happens quite a bit.

    So I always end up giving the same advice.  At the end of the day, the two of you are not married, so the responsibility of taking care of this new life really falls on you.  So you have to protect your child as best you can, and that means legally you have to make sure the father is made to meet his responsibilities. Ignoring that reality will only complicate things later down the road if things go wrong between the two of you.  The legality of this, because you are not married, is very different, and at some point you will have to address that.  Babies are amazingly expensive, so the father's legal obligations are very real.

    I hope that you two can sit down and have a serious talk about your plans as a couple, and now, as parents.  Your life will never be the same, and now, the only priority that both of you have in life is the health and well-being of your child, even now.  It is critical that the two of you are on the same page when it comes to this,  because once the baby is born, there is no turning back, and your life will become completely new to you. Right now, while you have the opportunity, the two of you need to communicate in an honest and open way, understanding that at the end of the day any decisions that are made will have a direct impact on your child.

    I know that it is hard to look at this as a legal situation now, but depending on the outcome over the next few months, you may not have any other choice but to protect your child, and yourself. There are too many examples out there to show you how important that is.

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