Asking for help.

jena11

 Sorry in advance for this being all over the place.

I'm the worst at asking for help. I feel guilty asking family or friends to watch our DD, or help with the housework, even though they've volunteered. I know at this point I need the help. I actually ate cereal out of a coffee cup last night because we didn't have clean bowls . . . I wake up with our DD every night, plus take her to work with me. When DH comes home I want to go to sleep for a few hours but when she starts crying I'm up again. I understand he works more hours at his job than I do but I work all day plus take care of our DD. The final straw was when he admitted to his sister and I that he wakes up at night but fake sleeps and waits for me to get up instead of getting her. I could have punched him right there. I've even called my mom a few times and asked her what she was doing but I always chicken out and change my mind before I really ask for help. I don't know what to do. I feel like she's my child and I have to do it all alone and not burdon anyone else with her. Has anyone else gone through this?

SingleMom31

Yes!! She was maybe 10 days old when I totally melted down and just started bawling on my SO bc I was trying to do it all myself and I couldn't.

Honestly, I HATE asking for help too. But, I'm realizing how much better things are going with some. A couple friends stop over a day a week to provide adult conversation... My SO comes home at lunch to give me a break to do whatever; today I ate lunch and cleaned the kitchen not glamorous, but it feels good to get a little break... And he's agreed to take the last feeding and putting her down so that I can relax or go to bed a little earlier.

By all means, ask. Please do it before you melt down like I did. Your mom's been there and I'm sure understands. She can cuddle with baby and you can shower or take 10 minutes for yourself... It makes a huge difference.

MommaAmers

Yes, I'm feeling very similarly right now.  With 2 kids, and one that doesn't nap anymore, it's hard for me to find time to get rest.  DH works overnights, so I'm on my own from about 9pm until 3pm or so when he wakes up.  I've had help offered to me, but it's hard to say yes because I feel like I need to learn how to take care of both of my kids at the same time on my own.  With a lack of sleep continuing over the next few days, though, it might get easier for me to say yes.

If people have offered to help you, go ahead and take it.  The beginning is hard when you are tired all the time and getting up around the clock.  (It's easier to tell someone else they should do this than it is to do it myself.)

As for your DH, with time, I would guess he'll get better at helping.  I had to do a lot of telling my DH exactly what I needed for him to do.  He wasn't comfortable at all with the Daddy role to start with, but it's gotten so much easier for him with DS and with DD, now, he's a natural.  He's just not here to help a lot of the time.

LittleFish1

Yes! I am the same way; had this problem the first full week home and although it is easier now, still is challenging.

We contacted DH's Aunt who lives in town, left a msg on her machine since she wasnt available right then and asked her to organize help for us. She has everyone's contact info and has an idea of schedules within the family and then we didnt then need to ask for specifics. She comes over once or twice a week to hold LO for me so i can nap. We can text her or one of the cousins if we need anything from the store. Have a friend who will do Costco runs for us just text or email her a few days in advance of needing to be resupplied.

DH has started taking photos of the food packages with his cell then can email or text with a shopping list for the person who helps with your shopping.

LittleFish1

I helped a friend with some shopping from time to time when her LOs were born. Sometimes you just need to tell someone to go ahead and do what they think you need help with because you're having trouble asking for help.

Your DH can help by making sure there is cash in the house so you can reimburse the shopper for the trip ... better than writing a check. If he's not holding and helping with LO, he could be incharge of moving the dishes and laundry through the washing proocess. When DH holds LO, i try my best to get things like the washing moving along and do them infront of DH so he can see that even in down time i am working. I'll also thank and praise him for giving me the hands free time and let him know he is doing a great job with LO.

laura1

I used to be like that.  Now, I know I need help, and have called family members saying "mayday, mayday" or 911!  Like yesterday - DH went OOT for work, and DD caught the stomach bug, vomiting all over the kitchen table while she, DS and I were making muffins with DD#2 in the Ergo.  I obviously had to deal we with the situation then (clean up vomit, put big kids in bath, put baby in swing far away from vomit while she screamed to be held) but then I called fir backup.  My dad came over after work a nd watched the baby while I cleaned up more vomit and got the big kids to bed.  Then my mom came over and spent the night helping me do laundry and disinfect.  I will feel terrible if the get sick, too, but I was desperate and they were ok with it!  When you can't deal, it is better to ask for help than flounder!  Good luck!

6fsn

Unless your husband is deployed he needs to be the first person you TELL to help.  He may not know what to do.  Find a time when you are together and not already upset.  Outline specifically what you need help with and what he can do and what you expect him to do. 

I had a complete meltdown with my husband shortly after returning to work with my first.  I asked if he wanted some chicken strips for dinner and he just shrugged at me.  I was done.  There was a several minute tirade about being responsible to feed everyone even when I wasn't with them (I was pumping and nursing).  It was NOT the adult approach, but he did start helping.  I just needed to be honest that I wasn't superhuman and be specific about what he needed to do.

It is okay to ask people for help though.  Sometimes people want to do something, but may not know what's best.

ilenegrace

This was me exactly with DS. Now with number 2 as much as it goes against who I am I ask for help. I have learned too often that the children and your marriage are the things that suffer the most by trying to be super woman and trying to do it all without help. It takes a village!

jo4janet

ilenegrace:

This was me exactly with DS. Now with number 2 as much as it goes against who I am I ask for help. I have learned too often that the children and your marriage are the things that suffer the most by trying to be super woman and trying to do it all without help. It takes a village!

This exactly. I was the same way with DD1. You are back to work already, as well? My DD2 is almost four weeks old and I can't imagine going back to work right now without having help. Do NOT feel bad about taking help. It will help your sanity!!! Good luck.