marriage after baby

RussianMommy

This is something I have been so scared about since the beginning - a baby changing our marriage. We've been together for 5 years and it's awesome! we spend a lot of time together and make each other laugh. People keep telling me how it's going change "sooo much" -- one friend even said "having a baby will show you every single crack in your relationship" WTF! (to be fair, they don't have such a great relationship, so it's like comparing apples to oranges in her case)

My H & I both come from divorced families, and you know what statistics say about that....

Please tell me everything will be fine!!!   I don't wanna end up a divorced single Mom and have to struggle like my Mom did. I love my husband.

dande2129

Everything will be fine.

A newborn can add stress to a marriage, but a newborn can also bring you closer to your partner than you could have ever imagined. I think what people mean to say by that "advice" is that if there are problems within your relationship that you haven't dealt with, having an infant is not only not going to fix those problems, but they'll expose those problems under high amounts of stress more intensely than if they were dealt with prior. I believe that'd be for any stressful situation, though. On the other hand, each individual deals with levels of stress differently, and only you know your H on that level.

Always communicate, and keep those lines of communication open through every aspect of your relationship. Have respect for each other. Always think of your partner. Etc, etc, etc. 

I am divorced not because we had a child, but because we never should have been married in the first place.  

jinnymb

I don't think it's so much the baby itself that strains marriage but other factors brought on by having children in general.  I mean I totally fell in love with watching DH become a father and how wonderful he really is.

However, things like sleep deprivation makes people very nasty to each other.  If you run into any money struggles that can be difficult of course.  Also, the lack of time you now have for each other puts a damper on things.

Honestly, with my first things were fine.  It wasn't until we had DS2 that we really had to start working at our marriage.  

I think going into a realistic mind set helps.  Have some discussions on how you can work as a team to care for the baby.  How can you both still get some alone time with friends and alone time with each other?  How will you handle financial changes that pop up?  How will you handle family members input into your parenting etc...  It will take some time for you all to figure out how to fit into your new roles.

I mean you can't predict every situation or plan for everything but keeping open communication is very important.  

We go through periods where we are very close and then periods where I feel like he is just my children's father.  It's a strange roller coaster but being able to pin point when you don't feel happy with each other and being able to get back on course will make a world of difference.

Good luck and don't stress too much about stuff that hasn't happened yet and try not to judge other couples because you never know what goes on behind closed doors!! 

laujam31

I think maybe you are letting the emotions get to you. I keep doing that too. If you and your husband have a good relationship and you can identify why you feel that way and why it's so great I think you'll be fine. I'm a ftm so not much to compare to here but I love my husband. We have a great relationship and I know exactly why that is. He's caring and considerate. He makes me laugh and we genuinely enjoy each others company. Our communication is great and we do t ever go to bed mad. We don't fight. I'm not worried. It sounds like you shouldn't either. Don't get me wrong I'm not delusional. This will not be a cake walk and things will change. But he and I are in this together. And we're good together. I'm confident in our relationship. That's all. :

drpayne

We had a tough first year... I'm not going to lie but it wasn't just the baby.  We had a short courtship and engagement (1 year total) and got pregnant on our honeymoon.  Then life threw a whole bunch of sh!t at us.  DH had some major health issues and was on bed rest when DS was born.  Then DS was a truly unhappy baby who literally cried all.the.time.  Now, we feel like, "Well, we made it through that... we will be fine."   It's not that we questioned our marriage.  It was just SO much harder than we expected it to be.  It was tough... and some days it seemed like that was just the way life was going to be from then on.  I think you have to be able to say "This is hard.  It might last a while... but it won't last forever."  Expect ups and downs.    People who have been married a long time have entire years that are bad, you know?  People forget that they signed up for the hard times, too...not just the happy ones.  My advice:  communicate and remember that this person is you best friend.  It's easy to forget when you're sleep deprived   I think it's up to the couple to make sure it makes you stronger in the long run. 

meansbaby2013

Bringing a baby in to the world is a challenging thing. However, it can also make a marriage stronger. Try to have a date night once in a while where you talk about other things besides the baby. Babies can make marriage more challenging, but you can make it work!

lightgetsin

The fact that you have already been together for 5 years is huge.  You have built your relationship to survive things like a new baby in that time.  It is an adjustment but you both obviously felt ready for this next step.  Try not to worry and just go with it.  Your marriage is about to become so much more after the baby is born.

RussianMommy

tmsgrl:

The fact that you have already been together for 5 years is huge.  You have built your relationship to survive things like a new baby in that time.  It is an adjustment but you both obviously felt ready for this next step.  Try not to worry and just go with it.  Your marriage is about to become so much more after the baby is born.

thank you  

ahcantrell90

I think it depends on the marriage. If you already have a strong marriage, then I don't see why you would worry. I think it's more for people who already have a shaky marriage, and that when a baby comes into the picture it can tear people a part.  It's all about maintaining your relationship and really, I don't think it's as difficult as people make it sound. 

libfish825

I lurk here, really, but I remember worrying about this so much during my first pregnancy.  I agree with PPs that it will test your relationship. If communication is poor, it will become very obvious. Likewise, though, it can show you just how strong you are with your partner and help you to achieve new, wonderful heights together. 

The best advice I've got in either situation is to constantly remind yourselves that you are probably sleep-deprived, anxious, and (in your case) hormonal. Things will often seem like bigger deals than they are and, often, solutions to problems will seem more obvious after some sleep.

Honestly, though, I am thankful because parenting has truly shown DH and I the places in our marriage that need the most improvement. We just committed early-on to doing what we needed to do to get through any rough patches and to doing our best to stay objective. 

jannv11

Just work on your relationship every day.  I find it hard not to talk about DS with all our conversations.  Even a night out turns into the main conversation.  I think a relationship takes lots work every day and I'm guilty of not giving mine 100`% anymore but after working all day and taking care of DS it's hard.  Afraid of what will happen after #2 is born but I'll try everyday to make DH feel special too.  And hoping he does the same. 

JuliaBug

Having a baby definitely changes your marriage, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing. 

DH and I were married almost 4 years before we had DS. We traveled the world and went out several nights a week. We don't do that anymore, it's just not realistic. That doesn't mean we love each other any less. Sure, there are times when a baby create friction. We have disagreements over how to parent, we don't have as much time to ourselves & as just a couple anymore and we get short tempered when we are sleep deprived. 

On the flip side, when you see your husband become a father, it is just the most amazing feeling and you will have love for him that didn't exist before. I still get like that when I see DH and DS playing or working together.

Remember to make time for each other and go on dates as often as you can. It is so important for your relationship as well as to teach your LO how to be a good spouse and what s/he deserves in a relationship.  

shibby00

DD's first year was hard. Really hard. We had been together for a long time, but got pregnant 1 month after the wedding. Your relationship does change. It changes in ways that you can't imagine, but you will come out the other side! Just keep communication open and expectations realistic. 

TMWarren85

DH and I had been dating for 11 months when I got my BFP I will say that we had been talking about marriage and kids, but one and three years down the road respectively. I was 7 months from graduating college, was still an intern with my company and weren't sure if that would lead to a full time position, and we both had roommates. We planned a full blown wedding in 6 weeks, bought a house, and I graduated the week DD was born. I will say that it was hard, but we were still leaning the ins and outs of each other, married life and new parenthood. Now, we are expecting 2 and our five year wedding anniversary is this year. I fully believe that we would have gotten married regardless, it just does up the process, but point is we made it through. Money was a stressor but more from my job situation being up in the air which resolved itself when I stayed on with my company after the internship ended, we just had to communicate our expectations, and also understand the reasoning behind those. A lot of it is knowing who he is and why he is the way he is we just click. A baby can bring up triggers, but that doesn't mean you will end up being divorced. My parents divorced when I was three, it made me more perceptive to the values I was looking for in a future husband/father, and I also know what divorce can do to kids.
Try not to focus on the divorce aspect, just remember that once LO gets here, you still need to focus on the two of you, the baby will be a BIG focus, but make sure you remember who you are as a couple too, don't lose sight of that.

ilovecade

jinnymb:

I don't think it's so much the baby itself that strains marriage but other factors brought on by having children in general. nbsp;I mean I totally fell in love with watching DH become a father and how wonderful he really is.However, things like sleep deprivation makes people very nasty to each other. nbsp;If you run into any money struggles that can be difficult of course. nbsp;Also, the lack of time you now have for each other puts a damper on things.Honestly, with my first things were fine. nbsp;It wasn't until we had DS2 that we really had to start working at our marriage. nbsp;I think going into a realistic mind set helps. nbsp;Have some discussions on how you can work as a team to care for the baby. nbsp;How can you both still get some alone time with friends and alone time with each other? nbsp;How will you handle financial changes that pop up? nbsp;How will you handle family members input into your parenting etc... nbsp;It will take some time for you all to figure out how to fit into your new roles.I mean you can't predict every situation or plan for everything but keeping open communication is very important. nbsp;We go through periods where we are very close and then periods where I feel like he is just my children's father. nbsp;It's a strange roller coaster but being able to pin point when you don't feel happy with each other and being able to get back on course will make a world of difference.Good luck and don't stress too much about stuff that hasn't happened yet and try not to judge other couples because you never know what goes on behind closed doors!!nbsp;

This exactly. You'll be fine just make sure you make time for just couple time. I know people whose kids are 2 and they have never spent a night away. We try to have a night once a month without kids it's important to keeping your marriage alive bc so much of day to day is focused on kids.

MT-Head

DH and I were married for about 8 years before we even started thinking about having a baby.  I thank God we had (and continue to have) such a solid relationship because I went through some horrible PPD, and if we weren't comfortable enough with each other to be blunt, and commited enough to work through anything, I am not sure we would have made it. 

Babies do change the marriage, but not necessarily in a bad way, and not completely.  At least that has been my experience.

 

wifeofadam

My marriage is actually stronger since having children, and every child just makes it better.  There is nothing sexier than seeing your husband as a father.   I literally swoon every time I watch him playing with his kids or soothing his crying baby. 

Having children has forced us to work on our communication skills, our ability to compromise, our selflessness, and our patience.  I think we are better partners because of it.

northshore25

Everything will be fine. Yes, a baby does change the dynamic of a marriage. There is a 3rd person that is now part of your circle. But, it isn't negative. Every part of it is positive! Watching your husband with your baby will be the most amazing thing ever. And you will both grow so much. Trust me, there will be hard times but the good outweighs the bad. Just try and keep some alone time together. That is the part we are working on!

buttaflly227

Hi, 

   I've actually thought of the same thing and what we did is wrote a list of the things about our relationship that we like right now and what we fear/think may change when the baby is born. Ex: We like having a social life and don't want to lock ourselves to the house because of the baby; we want to make sure we keep having sex at least 2x wk, etc.

The main thing I believe is that your relationship comes BEFORE your kids. SOOO many people many disagree BUT the people I've talked to that have been married 20+ years such as my aunts and uncles all agree with that. The people I know that have the best marriages tell me that. They say, obviously your kids are important but your priorities should be:

1) You take care of yourself first (Because if you don't you won't have anything to give, will build resentment etc. Even on an airplane the emergency directions say to give YOURSELF oxygen BEFORE your baby because if you don't do it and pass out, no one will be there for the baby. Perfect example.)

2) Your relationship with your partner. This sets the tone for the whole household and shows a good example of a healthy relationship and love.

3) Kids

4) Work

So this is what we plan on and what we've been told by the happy marriages in our lives. Good luck !  

buttaflly227

   I've actually thought of the same thing and what we did is wrote a list of the things about our relationship that we like right now and what we fear/think may change when the baby is born. Ex: We like having a social life and don't want to lock ourselves to the house because of the baby; we want to make sure we keep having sex at least 2x wk, etc.

The main thing I believe is that your relationship comes BEFORE your kids. The people I've talked to that have been married 20+ years such as my aunts and uncles all agree with that. The people I know that have the best marriages tell me that. They say, obviously your kids are important but your priorities should be:

1) You take care of yourself first (Because if you don't you won't have anything to give, will build resentment etc. Even on an airplane the emergency directions say to give YOURSELF oxygen BEFORE your baby because if you don't do it and pass out, no one will be there for the baby. Perfect example.)

2) Your relationship with your partner. This sets the tone for the whole household and shows a good example of a healthy relationship and love.

3) Kids

4) Work

izzyjenni

jinnymb:

I don't think it's so much the baby itself that strains marriage but other factors brought on by having children in general.  I mean I totally fell in love with watching DH become a father and how wonderful he really is.

However, things like sleep deprivation makes people very nasty to each other.  If you run into any money struggles that can be difficult of course.  Also, the lack of time you now have for each other puts a damper on things.

Honestly, with my first things were fine.  It wasn't until we had DS2 that we really had to start working at our marriage.  

I think going into a realistic mind set helps.  Have some discussions on how you can work as a team to care for the baby.  How can you both still get some alone time with friends and alone time with each other?  How will you handle financial changes that pop up?  How will you handle family members input into your parenting etc...  It will take some time for you all to figure out how to fit into your new roles.

I mean you can't predict every situation or plan for everything but keeping open communication is very important.  

We go through periods where we are very close and then periods where I feel like he is just my children's father.  It's a strange roller coaster but being able to pin point when you don't feel happy with each other and being able to get back on course will make a world of difference.

Good luck and don't stress too much about stuff that hasn't happened yet and try not to judge other couples because you never know what goes on behind closed doors!! 

THIS EXACTLY.   My hubby and I had difficulty communicating when our first was born.  He said he felt more like roommates because we weren't communicating, passionate, or connected intimately during the first two months after the baby.  It is different for everyone, but we recognized it and began to work on our relationship.  DH and I were VERY close pre-baby and I was his alone.  When you have a little one, you become a mommy with someone solely dependent on you (mom) for food and attention during those first months.  It makes you rather out of it to be honest.  I was so "out of it" that my husband felt a huge lack of attention.  We made plans to go out more often after that first two months and had date night out at least every two weeks.  Wednesday were our no computer nights and we had great conversations about us and how we were feeling.  It really helped.  Since our first is now almost two, we have molded back into our pre-baby time together and are able to really enjoy one another again as well as enjoy our time as parents together.  Still, we have our ups and downs.  Days where we are annoyed with one another and days we just want to have our own time.  I know I can be "out of it" still now that I am pregnant with my second, but I am more conisent of it.   It takes work, but if you recognize it and work together as a couple, your relationship will be stronger.  Different, yes, but deeper and stronger!

Strozyk Hayes

Do your best, be honest to each other, tell one another how much you appreciate them and all they do, tell them you love them many times a day, dont forget to smile with that in love twinkle gleaming.  Take time for one another, call him babe and refer to him as your sweetheart.  You will be fine.  I had two past marriages one for a baby one bad mistake. The third i was scared! We do the above and after the years we are still practicing these ideas and still in love very much. We do have ups and downs, its life, its part of growing.  Just know in the end you are strong enough to work through it and still in love.  Hugs you will be fine, dont get caught up in other peoples nonsense that causes you fear, thats their bag and doesnt have to be yours. smile and let it go. Now go hug your sweetheart.

KateLouise

I agree it helps if you have a strong marriage to begin with. Why people would have a baby to "save" a relationship is beyond me because the reality is that they are hard work.

I also think it's important to make your relationship a priority, but the reality is that those early weeks and months are tough. Babies are all-consuming of your time and energy, so yes you should look after your relationship but you might need to adjust what that looks like.

If you're used to having spontaneous weekends away, and romantic dinners out several times a week, then you might need to learn to appreciate snuggling on the couch because the baby is sleeping.

I think the most important thing is that you are both pulling in the same direction, and that you both "know" that the other one is working hard too. If you are both working hard to raise your baby/maintain your home/earn money etc etc to achieve whatever your goals are for parenting/finances etc then that is good. BUT you also need to remember and appreciate what the other is doing.

i think it's really easy to think I'M working so hard and forget what the other person is doing. I deal with the night wakings while DH sleeps, and sometimes I feel a bit resentful, BUT I have to remind myself that he gets up early with the girls almost every day at 6am (or whatever time they wake) so that I can have a sleep in before he leaves for work.  

krissywave

Honestly this really depends on the 2 of you.  Only you and your DH can decide your future.  If you guys have a good relationship and know how to work out your problems than you should be fine.   There will be times once this baby is here that things will be stressful and may not know how to handle it at first.  But this hsouldnt be any different than when you 1st got together and had your 1st major fights.  Just remember to be open and honest with each other.  Do what ever your doing now when there is tension or issues.  Have faith that everything will be fine.