Closet EBF

twocents6708

So I am very happy to have made it to 12 months with BFing. But it seems like as soon as DD reached her bday, family and friends expect me to stop. They have asked and I have been a bit vague, stating that we are weaning slowly. The truth is, DD is still nursing 24 times daily and I am fine with it. She still nurses to sleep and with her sleep issues as it is, I don't wish to rock the boat. DH is fine with it, I am fine with it and it works for us. But I am so tired of "justifying" myself to others. I have ended up becoming a closet extended breast feeding mom. Anyone else had similar situations? I do not know many AP families and while I try to educate on some things, I feel very alone at times.

ETA: She BFs 2 to 4 times daily mobile left out the hyphen.

Emerald27

You should see if there is a la leche league group near you! I go to meetings every week, informal cafes that LLL hosts, and hang out with a bunch of moms who are nursing their toddlers.

I have unknowing and unsupportive family members too, but realizing that what I am doing is meeting my son's needs and is healthy for him, coupled with the support I get from my LLL friends, really helps!

Hang in there! Know that no matter what anyone else thinks, you're giving your DD the very best!!!

ashleylchapman@hotmail.com

I hear ya! I'm not at this stage yet as my DD is only 4 months, BUT my mom asked me when I was planning on breastfeeding until and I said at least 18 months but probably 2 years ( and in reality if DD is not ready by then I'm fine to continue until she is ready).  My mom was shocked and said could I imagine feeding her at my nephews age who is 2 and a half.  I just replied with "yes I can!". I'm not going to advertise to people when I plan on stopping or other AP related controversial things but if someone asks me I'm not going to lie.

like you said, it's working for your family! Who cares what others may think. I totally understand how you feel like you are justifying it though. Try to just stay matter of fact and confident and own it! If its right for your family who cares what others may think. You aren't affecting them! 

KateLouise

I wasn't BF DD1 as often as you, and so I became a closet EBF just because people seldom saw her nursing. So they assumed we had stopped,

We nursed first thing in the morning, when I picked her up from daycare, and before bed, and sometimes in the night too. So the kind of people (MIL) who would have commented had nothing to comment on.

I never brought it up because I had zero interest in other people's opinions.

Occasionally it was relevant to a conversation and I might say, "we're still nursing" but the people I mentioned it to, were nothing but positive about it. So yeah, I picked my audience.

I plan to BF DD2 until she self-weans, and I can imagine myself being more forthright about it this time. I'm not going to bring it up for no particular reason, but I won't just let people assume either. I guess I'm more confident about my deicisons this time around. 

belladonna11307

DD is 20 months and still nurses 2 - 4 times a day too, and like you, it doesn't bother me.  It gets to DH sometimes, but I think mostly because he'd like her to see me as more than a milk source and he can't comfort her in the same manner. My mom makes comments sometimes and then I quote research and we drop it.  Beyond that, I too choose my audience.  I don't bring it up unless I know the person in the conversation is supportive.  Otherwise I wait for them to ask, but then I'm completely honest.  Keep on doing what you feel is right for your family - even no supporters did the same thing and no one told them they were wrong.

NYGirl02

Haha....I thou "wow! She's happy as can be nursing 24 times a day. That's awesome! I'd be wiped out!." 

Not much advice, but I am reading a little bit of the LLL book, Mothering Your Nursing Toddler.  It covers a lot of ground, including how to deal with criticism.  

Mistifier

I'm pretty sure this will be me also. I have had so many people ask me when I'm planning on nursing till, and I have had some say they would have stopped already. I don't know how I'm going to deal if a confrontation arrises. 

hst

I got that too, I just told people about the two year recommendation and that usually shut them up. DD weaned on her own a few months after turning 2, I was do glad I didn't have to force it.

KristenS09

I just asked something similar on the breastfeeding board.  I think I also will be come a closet extended breastfeeder.  DD is almost 9 monts (my original weaning age) and I don't think we will be ready to quit at 12 months.  I'm just hoping no one will ask me if I have weaned her yet.

resilient61

I didn't plan on weaning before 2 years, and had a handful of reasons ready.  As the PP said the AAP recommends nursing until age 2, DS1 was on a delayed/modified vaccine schedule so he needed my antibodies, we dealt with a milk allergy & DS1 refused any other nut or seed alternative, my Hungarian mother nursed all of us kids past age 2, and then there are all the health benefits for baby & mama!  I'd use as many reasons as I needed, always with a smile and never apologetically, until the questioner was satisfied...or gave up.  Stay strong- you're not alone!

boogerbearoriginal

My plan has always been to nurse until 2+yrs. My MIL made a few odd comments, and once questioned whether "medically" he should still nurse....I was like, ummmm what? I know FIL thinks it's weird, but he doesn't say anything because I've not let snide/disparaging comments about BFing slide in the past. My parents are pro-BFing hippies so they don't bat an eye.

Days I'm home LO still nurses a lot, 5 or more times during the day and at least 1x at night. And he will ask to nurse at his regular times if we're out/about.  Usually I can distract him, and the problem is he wants to nurse, but also wants to play so he's off/on and it's hard to be discrete and not flash nipple. But no one has ever said anything to me.

I'm not a confrontational person, but if asked/attacked on the matter I am forthright and will defend my choice. 

drcolleen

Sorry your family is not more supportive, at least you and your DH seem on the same page and for the majority of time that's all that matters  --- unless you live with extended family.  

DD1 weaned at 24mo and I rememember thinking we were going to be at my sister's for her 2yr b-day and wondering how we were going to nurse (the loft we slept in had no walls) but I know my family didn't care and my sister's DD was 2 weeks old and nursing.  I don't know whether my extended fam knew were were nursing, it just wan't a big deal -- though I am a FP and lactation counselor so they knew I would give my sister a hard time if she didn't BF.  I was talking to my sister who's DD is 23 mo and she's due w/ DS the end of the month, I assumed she had weaned (pushed or self d/t preg) but turns out she nurses periodically - which is great and apparently did freak out her sister in law.... honestly after a certain age it's more of an at home thing in my experience so it seems like a smaller issue as they get bigger.... maybe my experience is not normal though.

Lulobug22

People really annoyed me with my oldest asking when I was going to wean. I told usually replied world
Health organization recommends breastfeeding until age 2 so we'd be nursing until then. When I got pregnant with second extended family made a big deal of me nursing while pregnant. I nursed oldest son until age 2 and I was 5 months pregnant and DS2 nursed until he was 2 years 3 mos. I refused to hide the fact that I was nursing my child past a certain age. One year olds are still babies: good luck! Don't let anyone make you feel ashamed of doing a natural and wonderful thing for your LO.

skibunny59

DD will be 10 months old on the 20th and I have had many family members ask me how long I plan on nursing until.  I don't think many of them are judgy about it though, they are just curious.  Well, my mom judges me because she keeps saying things like, "Well, she's going to be one soon so you're going to have to wean her."

amdraza

I still nurse my 17 month old and have no plan to stop until he is ready. We are down to mostly nights, but we do on demand on weekends if he is tired or in a cuddly mood.

Nursings is how he comforts to sleep, so while I am fine continuing I often wonder if he will ever self wean. I guess he will eventually, but I feel like I will have a harder time explaining it to family after he is 2. Currently I quote the WHO's recs of nursing to 2, so I will have to come up with something else if we go longer.

StefandTodd

I'm in the same boat, but getting even more "extra" criticism because not only am I BFing my 16 month old...but I'm tandem feeding him and my 1 month old.  I actually don't tell most people that LO #1 is still nursing.  My IL's know b/c they came to my house and my toddler started to cry for milk when the baby was nursing, and so I let him nurse too.  My toddler also gives us away by jamming his arm down my shirt half the day  lol.  I often will quote the WHO's 2 year recommendation, or will say that his Pedi is very supportive of us continuing, or also say that I researched (in our case) tandem feeding specifically and that it helps decrease jealousy and sibling rivalry (most people assume it's the opposite).  Basically, I just say (in so many words) - i know more about this, BFing, MY children, and BFing MY children than you do and have no intention to stop.

That said, like you, to avoid even having the discussion at all, I am in the closet to a lot of people about it.  And it sucks. 

Angela814

With DD1 I just kept repeating to everyone that I was going to let her self wean, even if she was 5 yo at the time. After a while people stopped asking. (I ended up initiating weaning at 2y10m, and she was weaned by 3y2m.)

With DD2 no one even asked.

I find that as they get older, toddlers generally want to nurse before naps, before bed, and first thing in the morning. It's easy just keep nursing then, and no one else really has to know.

pepomntpat

Try doing it when your LO is over 2 AND you are pregnant. LOL!

If they ask (which most people don't anymore) I just say, "Eventually." The only person who gives  me a really hard time is my sister. I just told her that of course I make all of my parenting decisions based on what she thinks. Of course I do. ::eye roll::   

SpruceGrouse

I wouldn't justify, you don't need to please them, just please your baby. Just say you are going to continue to breastfeed and that's that.