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lost and confused (longish)
Background info: My baby's father is 17 years older than I am. I am the "money maker" in our relationship... we currently are engaged. He has a 16 year old child from a previous marriage.
Our relationship has always had its ups and downs. I know he cares for me but due to obvious reasons, it is not a "normal" relationship. I get frustrated that he is so terrible with money. He is AWFUL at expressing emotions, doesn't make me feel needed, has been caught texting (never more) other women.
I had a breaking point last night. I recently decided on a doula and met with her and clicked right away. I called to tell him about it and his response was "oh" followed by a change of subject. I got off the phone with him shortly after this because I was so upset by his lack of concern. This whole pregnancy he has only made it to one appointment, doesn't care about the baby's name, doesn't support my choice to birth naturally, etc. To give him credit -- he does put together nursery furniture (puchased by me) like a champ.
Anyway, I tell him how I am feeling and his response is extremely defensive and rude. I just can't take it. I need support right now and the person I expect it from is the least excited person in my life. Our sex life SUCKS and when I tell him about this NOTHING CHANGES. How many times do I need to tell him WHY i am unhappy and get NO CHANGE before I have to do something?
I want him to be a part of his son's life because he already has a child he doesn't get to see, and I don't want to do that to him again. But I feel very under appreciated, and like I am not getting what I deserve in a man/relationship.
Maybe I am being selfish/childish... I am just so lost.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: lost and confused (longish)
I don't think that you are being selfiish or childish. He should be just as excited as you are and if I were in your shoes I would be upset as well. It is definitely NOT ok that he even gets more upset when you try and talk to him. I had an ex myself who was that way. He would always tell me nothing makes him excited or that he doesn't argue and no matter what how many times I would try to get him to open up it never happened.
How long have you guys been together? Has he always acted this way or is this recent and after the pregnancy.
I'm sorry that he isn't being supportive but you will find plenty of women on here who understand you and are willing to support you!
Im kind of in a similar situation. Im pregant by someone who is 18 yrs older and very immature. He is freaking out with me keeping this baby. He dates other woman and basically I was spose to only be a casual friend. I caught feelings and kept things going!
Well, I don't know what will happen in the future with him and I but I wish I had asked myself "why am I with him?" I wish I had made a list of PROS & CONS. If I had then maybe I would have moved on a long time ago and wouldnt be stuck with him. So we are both stuck with men that suck... The important thing is that we try to be emotionally healthy. I have told Rick not to contact me unless he has positive things to say. You live together so thats difficult. If you feel he is not making any effort and not making any changes within himself then would it be possible to kick him out? If hes not contributing financially, or in a positive emotional way why subject yourself to the abuse? You have to do whats right for you! Maybe if you take this extreme decision to kick him out he will maybe realise how serious you are.
You are in my thoughts and prayers. I cry alot because of my situation and it sucks. children are a blessing and this is spose to be a time of celebration. We have to be happy for our babies...
Good Luck
When you say breadwinner, do you mean he doesn't have a job or you just make more than him? There's a big difference.
Normally, I'd say that women are more connected to the pregnancy and the baby, and that men really become parents after the baby is born. But you've got red flags waving all over the place.
Lurker butting in, but this part got me thinking:
Maybe the reason he has a poor relationship with his existing child has more to do with him than it does with the mother of the other child. Obviously you know more about this than I do, and I could be projecting based on my experience with a lackluster father. But, if he's at all like my father, he might talk a good game, but do little to actually support his child (or the child's mother).
You are absolutely not being selfish or childish. It is not asking too much that the father of your child be interested in his future child. It is definitely not asking too much that your significant other be supportive of YOU, right now. His past with his ex-wife and child should have no bearing on your decision - so don't stay with him just because you think it's sad that he doesn't have a relationship with his other child.
You're obviously going through a lot right now, so I won't say you should leave (or, rather, kick him out, as it sounds like you're the one paying anyway), but I would encourage you to keep this in mind and to critically evaluate him as a dad when you really need support after the baby comes. It sounds like he's in for a rude awakening.